Thursday, April 28, 2011

A short list of princes who may be better matches for Kate Middleton

I might've been more invested in the Royal Wedding if Prince William weren't such a goober. He just looks super dull and dorky. Prince Harry is the only member of the Windsor family whose nuptials I'd be even remotely interested in watching--what with his devil-may-care attitude and ginger balls. Anyway, I feel that Kate Middleton is on the verge of making a tremendous mistake. Fortunately, the wedding hasn't happened yet, so it's not too late for her to back out of this whole thing and run off with someone who has a little more joie de vivre.

I'm assuming, at this point, she has her heart set on marrying a prince. So, I've compiled a list of 10 other princely fellows for Kate's consideration--noting the pros and cons of each and rating them on the Disney Prince Scale (naturally).

Even the lamest of the princes listed below is infinitely fresher than William.

Prince Albert
Background Info: Born in 1840; studied law and philosophy at the University of Bonn; was instrumental in the organization of the Great Exhibition of 1851 (which I wrote a report on in the 9th grade); aided in the development of Britain's constitutional monarchy. Oh, and the tip of his dong was pierced.


  • His dong piercing
  • His dong piercing
  • The fact that he's dead
  • But even before he died, he was married to his first cousin, which isn't incredibly sexy.

The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Background Info: In West Philadelphia, born and raised, on the playground is where he spent most of his days. Chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool, and all shooting some b-ball outside of school. When a couple of guys, who were up to no good, starting making trouble in his neighborhood. He got in one little fight and his mom got scared and said, "You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air." He whistled for a cab and when it came near, the license plate said "fresh" and it had dice in the mirror. If anything, he could say that this cab was rare, but he thought, nah, forget, "Yo, homes, to Bel-Air." He pulled up to the house about seven or eight, and he yelled to the cabby, "Yo, homes, smell you later!" Looked at his kingdom, he was finally there, to sit on his thrown as the prince of Bel-Air.

  • Will make sure haters mind their business, that's all, just mind their business
  •  Get all the privileges of being a member of the upper-class without having to be a slave to decorum--the two of you will "keep it real" by doing things like wearing your blazers inside out and using slang
  • DJ Jazzy Jeff

The Prince of Persia
Background Info: Some kind of prince of Persia, I don't know; has a British accent for no reason at all.

  • Nice abs
  • Muscular boobs
  • Has a couple of really sick swords
  • If it's windy, his "sands of time" will fly into your eyes
  • Can run up walls, which seems like a "pro" but it's actually a totally useless talent and therefore a "con". It's like, "whoa, you just ran up a wall, but do you have health insurance and will I be covered under your plan? How high are the co-pays?"

Background Info: Tiny man from Minneapolis; once changed his name to an unpronounceable symbol; parties like it's 1999; may or may not have had intercourse with a little red corvette.


  • He wants to be your lover. He wants to be the only one who makes you come running. He wants to turn you on, turn you out, all night long, make you shout.
  • He wants to be your brother. And if that weren't bad enough, he also wants to be your mother and your sister too.

The Half-Blood Prince
Background Info: Sort of goth; awesome at potions.

  • Knows magic
  • Huge dong (probably)
  • Looks like Alan Rickman
  • Has Sexy Alan Rickman voice
  • Muggle father
  • Have to live on a teacher's salary
  • Will probably kill any hoary old bearded mentors that you have
  • Shops at Hot Topic
The Prince of Darkness
Background Info: Embodiment of evil.

  • Good dancer
  • Cute
  • According to Shakespeare's King Lear, "the prince of darkness is a gentleman."
  • Will probably improve your guitar playing
  • ?

Martin Prince
Background Info: Nerdburger; suck-up; target of Nelson Mandela Muntz's ire.

  • High IQ
  • Impressive two-strand cowlick
  • Looks good in mary janes
  • Only has 8 fingers
  • He's in the fourth grade, so he hasn't even taken calculus yet

Prince Adam of Eternia
Background Info: Prince of Eternia and defender of the secrets of Castle Grayskull. Fabulous secret powers were revealed to him the day he held aloft his magic sword and said, "by the power of Grayskull, I HAVE THE POWERRRRRRR!" 

  • Most powerful man in the universe
  • Get to have She-ra as a sister-in-law
  • None
The Prince of the Prince and the Pauper
Background Info: Looks like a poor guy but isn't.

  • Isn't pretentious or arrogant--willing to switch clothes with a hobo
  • Why does he look like this Pauper fellow? If I learned anything from Sister, Sister, it's that identical strangers are twins separated at birth. This is probably just the tip of the iceberg as far as his weird family secrets go.

Prince Tennis Balls
Background Info: 6.7cm in diameter; covered in fluorescent yellow felt.

  • Aerodynamic
  • Bouncy
  • Your kids will be part vulcanized rubber, which should qualify them for certain college scholarships
  • Poor conversationalist
  • Have to deal with the hateful glares of the close-minded
  • May begin to lose bounciness after being removed from pressurized can


Maria said...

I guffawed at your list of "cons" for Prince. Hilarious seque from his "pros."

Nice job.

Fear Street said...

This is great. Truly truly awesome.

You're the coolest person I don't know.

Ethony* said...

I am going to out there and say this will be the best blog post about the Royal Wedding, truly fucking awesome.

Fresh Prince FTW!

beanditch said...

I think it's safe to say that I love everything about this. Everything.

Barbara said...

Unlike this Royal Wedding nonsense, this post is awesome. Thanks for making me laugh this morning!

Shannon said...

I bow to your sense of humor.

Side note- I was sitting on the couch next to my husband and I look over and see your website on his computer. I was pretty confused since he doesn't follow the blog world like me, so I asked what was up, and he said he googled some young witch played by Faruka Balk (sp???) and found your page and then found you funny and continued reading.

This pretty much makes you the most famous person I read.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Bahaha, people are looking at me funny, thanks!

And I saw a little bit of the royal doings and totally expected the ginger prince Harry to let out a raucous fart at a poignant moment. I was disappointed when he didn't and had to go do something more interesting.

Celita said...

If I ever decide to go prince-hunting, this will be my guide.


Ali said...

Your mention of the Half Blood Prince's probable massive dongage isn't helping my neverending Rickman crush.

Angie said...

Is it weird that I just googled the Prince Albert? I've decided that it's not.

PS - turns out it's a myth about his pierced dong. says wikipedia, lol

Nicki said...

Well, I'm off to court some eligible sports equipment. With any luck, my engagement ring will be in the shape of a blingy tennis ball.

K. Syrah said...

This. was. awesome!

My spouse and I read it out loud... Our favorite is definitely Prince of Persia... when all else fails, ABS must win. Just look at the Old Spice guy?

Aaron said...

Hilarious! I especially liked the Half-Blood Prince's con of having a muggle father. Really spoke to my inner geek. Okay, it spoke to my outer geek as well.

Simon said...

Wait. I thought the Half-Blood Prince was Voldemort? Goddammit.

Why can't Prince Ali himself be a contender? He's like the Prince and Pauper in one, and he has a badass theme song, and a genie that turns into an elephant.

Amiee said...

I agree about Harry, he seems like he'd be fun.

This was awesome amongst all the wedding crap..there was literally one station on our crappy free to air TV that wasn't devoted to the wedding on Friday night.

Jen said...

"Girl you know it's true, ooh ooh ooh, I love you"

My feelings on this blog can only be summed up by quoting the lipsynching greatness of Milli Vanilli.

thatissophat said...

Dude u forgot Prince Caspian. Prince Phillip is my favorite.

Heather Taylor said...

Mmm-hmm, sexy Alan Rickman voice will always get my vote.