Monday, May 17, 2010

An Open Letter to the Goblin King, Regarding Your Bulge, Which is Both Magical and Mystical but Not as Efficient or Profitable as it Could Be


Dearest Jareth,

When I first saw you, I was a child, not much older than the babies that you so weirdly covet. In spite of my age, or perhaps because of it, my attraction to you was immediate and pure. As you'll remember, there were many a goblin jump-magic-jumping round your ankles that day, but it was you, Jareth, sovereign of my soul, who captivated me; it was you who bewitched me so thoroughly.


Your golden mullet and subversive eye makeup were both rather beautiful, but your bulge, ah, now that was a sight to behold! It was so hypnotic and also so very, very big. There was something defiant about your bulge, but also something regal. It seemed to whisper, "fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave." As a great admirer of you and your bulge, I write this letter, which is a business proposal of sorts.


Please pardon my frankness, but I do believe that the marvel betwixt your legs is underutilized. No, that isn't a come-on. (Though, I'm game if you are, ha ha ha). I simply mean that I don't think that you are maximizing the potential of the space. I'll preface my proposal by saying that I am no bulge expert as (a) I'm female and (b) I attended a Catholic high school and the instruction I received in bulge theory was lacking. I have, however, studied your particular bulge quite extensively and feel qualified to proffer a few suggestions. 


This is a pie chart that I've created to show you the current spatial distribution:




Because what you have down there is so tremendous, I'm fairly certain that we can do a lot with the unused 60% while also maintaining some personal space, which you could leave empty or decorate to your liking. 


The following is a short list of possible renovations:


1. Oubliette/Dungeon. This, the most obvious renovation, would be used to imprison rivals, traitors, tricksters, etc. As the saying goes, "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer."


2. Cheetos. You seem thin to me and could stand to put on a couple of pounds. Cheetos can fix this. I don't know if you've ever had any, but they are a tasty treat. Sure, they can be a bit messy, but they are also a sturdy chip, not easily crushed, and that's important when it comes to underpants snacks.


3. Advertisements. Since you'll be eating Cheetos anyway, why not look into some kind of endorsement deal? You could sell ad space to the Cheetos people and make some money.


4. A Book of Poetry by Federico Garcia Lorca. "Magic Dance" is a great song but I've always found the lyrics to be a bit unimaginative. Perhaps reading a little Lorca from time to time would inspire you.


5. A Labyrinth. If I were you, I'd transport the labyrinth that leads to your castle into your pants. This way, you wouldn't have to consult your crystal ball every time you wanted to check on anyone who might be wandering about--you could just look into your pants/tights. But if that is too difficult, why not construct a second, slightly smaller labyrinth there in your pants, turn it into an amusement park, and then charge people to walk through it?


If you make these changes, the spatial distribution of your bulge would be something like this:


Here is a graph showing how these changes will effect you monetarily: 


I pray that this letter and my boldness haven't offended you. As I mentioned earlier, I adore you, Jareth, and could no longer sit idly by as your bulge failed to live up to its potential.


With Undying Love,
Amber




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33 comments:

Vintage Christine said...

This has to be the most amazing post I've read today. You are seriously nutzoid, and I'm ONLY saying that in the most complimentary way!!!!!

Pana said...

FINALLY the pressing issues of childhood addressed!

To the crotch: YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME!


(lies)

Sadako said...

Love, love, LOVE the Cheetos pic!

nikki said...

Every time I think you can't possibly beat your prior post, you do. I mean, how do you follow the Affleckollage? Jarath's bulge, obviously.

No One Reads The Copy said...

Not much to add other than, seriously, did we have the same childhood? I love this movie!

April said...

Ah! I wrote about almost exactly the same thing once!

Check it out!

It's Only Forever

Megs said...

The only problem I can see here is that I'm afraid that is actually a unitard that he is wearing. Which would make it difficult to gain access to the cheetos/oubliette/labrynth, and cut back on the efficiency of your plans.

Not that I would mind terribly if he had to take his pants off or anything.

Jen said...

I was oddly terrified of the bulge. I still might be a little. It's so...distracting!

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

Amber, you are a marketing genius and so very altruistic. I do not know who this man/wizard-like person is, but I hope he takes your advice and although you claim to not be well-versed or educated in the male bulge arena, I wonder if you are not being self-deprecating because your charts tell a different story, Missy. BTW, thanks for visiting my blog and I'm signing up for more of this lovely craziness.

The Chicken's Consigliere said...

Amber, I couldn't help but notice that I am your 100th follower. I think that is good karma for both of us.

rie said...

That movie scared the crap out of me when I was little, and that was before I was old enough to notice the bulge!

Amiee said...

I have magic dance on my ipod. Loved the complete randomness and I have to say I never realised his bulge was so huge. I think I was blindsided by having a girl crush on Sarah!

BeckEye said...

One lovely trivia night, we named our team David Bowie's Giant Bulge. We didn't win anything except the admiration of the other teams, who all had lame-ass names having to do with Tiger Woods' sexual exploits.

soft nonsense said...

You know, knowing that it's Bowie, I bet that 40% is a bit on the low side...

jaminicole said...

This might be the reason you're my new favorite person ever, ok.

Usually whenever I'm referencing a crazy bulge, I say "Robert Plant issues," but your post is going to change that to "Severe Bowie-Jareth issues."

I'll probably take credit for it, too. Sorry :(

SirBlogabit, knighted 1986 said...

This movie was so messed up when I watched it as a kid that I was forced to watch it like trillions of times.

"You remind me of the babe. The babe with the power."

...classic

Sammy V said...

I'm not sure how it the whole goblin king, falling in love and dancing at a masquerade thing got past me, but when I was young I thought Bowie was a girl...until one day (probably my 100th viewing) I noticed the bulge...

Jerry said...

I need to stop drinking liquids when I cruise your blog. I practically did a Danny Thomas spit take when I saw the Cheetos ad!

Heather Taylor said...

Totes hilar.
I still wish I could have pushed Jennifer Connelly out of the way and danced with Jareth in the ballroom scene. And I would have definitely swapped clothes for her ballgown.

Angie said...

I too find the bulge hypnotic. I don't really want to look at it, but I feel compelled whenever it's on screen.

aladdinsane12 said...

oh my gosh- the ultimate childhood movie where you are amused by muppets and learn about your sexuality all at the same time...i heard he had a potato in there, which would make sense, as the shape is far too round and wide. i could stare into it for hours...

RMb said...

this might be the best thing i've read all week. thank you for being a genius. :)

Kelli said...

Jareth's bulge will always be my first boyfriend.

Kudos!

Benny said...

I'm actually pretty glad I never saw the movie all the way through until I was 20 years old.
When I did finally see it then, what struck me the most was how close the potato/bulge was to the dancing muppets' heads. If I'd seen it as a little boy, I've been traumatized by the thought of getting smacked with it.
Anyway, nice, thorough post, haha! And nice graphics!

Ally said...

You make me laugh so hard. Bulge has always and continues to mystify me. Thanks for the chuckle. Dude, even the word makes me smile. Sorry I'm so immature:(

lorrie! said...

you have said everything i've ever imagined. i would visit that amusement park in his pants!

Christina In Wonderland said...

Again, I am oggling at your magnificence. Or maybe I'm oggling at the bulge. Who knows? I must get home to watch that movie now. Fantastic!

Karen Kaye said...

There's nothing funnier than a strange mind. Thank God for the interwebs for allowing you to let your freak flag fly!

michelle said...

LOL i think i would opt for ad space if i had a bulge like that :)

Powdered Toast Man said...

that was one of the most random posts I ever read and had no idea what was going on. However I still enjoyed it somehow.

Love the pie charts.

Danaconda said...

Damn I never knew he was packin' like that. I guess since 1) I saw that movie when I was a kid, and 2) I'm a dude, I never really noticed.

I think this entry epitomizes the cliche, "You learn something new every day."

FYI - If I had to choose a theme song to follow me around all day, it would definitely be "Fame."

MJenks said...

Sure, this comment is made two months after you posted this, but...meh.

If I wasn't already married, and if you didn't already have a significant other who, I learned in the Doogie Howser post, accidentally fondles, touches, licks your bosom-area, I'd totally be cyber-stalking you after your use of the word "oubliette".

*wistful sigh*

You may continue on your day now. No, that is not me in the bushes outside. Continue on please.

Clara said...

Oh my god, this is one of the funniest things I have read in a while. I loved The Labyrinth when I was little and Jareth always mesmerized me. Ah, I cannot tell you how much I love your posts.