Thursday, June 17, 2010

In Which I Rate U.S. Presidents

I've decided to rate a few presidents. They will be judged in three categories: 

Power. Their physical strength, ability to not die, the amount of influence they had, as well as acts of wizardry they may have performed. Power will be measured in Kazaams on a scale of 1-4 (with 1 being weak and 4 being mega powerful). 

Hotness. Last week, I voted for current San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom in the Democratic Primary simply because I think he's hot. Therefore, hotness will be measured in Gavin Newsoms, also on a scale of 1-4 (with 1 being "ugh" and 4 being "bow-chicka-wow-wow.")

Virtue. I tried to be as objective about this one as I could, weighing how each man defended civil liberties and attempted to make America a "more perfect Union" against any extramarital affairs, war mongering, slave holding, and general crookedness. Virtue will be measured in Star Wars.

1.George Washington

In Office: April 30, 1789-March 4, 1797

Info: First Prez, dollar bill guy, (possible) wearer of wooden teeth, cherry tree chopper.

Power: Washington was a Freemason and appointed "Worshipful Master" by his lodge, which gave him the mystical ability to cross the Delaware. 

Hotness: I'm going to be generous.

Virtue: Slave owner but apparently had some reservations about it. I suppose that sort of ambivalence was progressive for the 18th century.

2. Thomas Jefferson

In Office: March 4, 1801-March4, 1809

Info: Inventor of the swivel chair, the Robert De Niro of Presidents (if you get my meaning), wrote the majority of the Declaration of Independence, purchaser of Louisiana. 

Power: In addition to being President, Jefferson held approximately 500 other jobs--he was an architect, inventor, horticulturalist, and archaeologist, just to name a few.

Hotness: Not cute.

Virtue: Contrary to popular belief, Jefferson was kind of an a-hole. He was opposed to women's suffrage and was the first to propose an Indian removal plan.

3. Andrew Jackson

In Office: March 4, 1829-April 15, 1837

Info: $20 bill guy, made my Choctaw/Chickasaw ancestors walk the "Trail of Tears."

Power: Only member of his immediate family not to die from small pox, cholera, or from injuries sustained while lifting a log. 

Hotness: Dude's hair was kind of fresh.

Virtue: Ugh. This guy was le douche. Not only was he pro-slavery but he was also responsible for the ethnic cleansing of several Indian tribes.

4. Abraham Lincoln

In Office: March 4, 1861-April 15, 1865

Info: Freed the slaves (sort of), log cabin dweller, lover of top hats and "beards," "slept" with men, assassinated, erroneously believed to be the 2nd President when he was actually the 16th. 

Power: Suspended habeas corpus (powerful) but failed to survive a gun shot wound (not powerful).

Hotness: I love moles and this guy had a pretty sweet one.

Virtue: So he only freed the slaves in the confederate states, but this guy was cool. As Frederick Douglas famously said, "Abraham Lincoln is super rad."

5. Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt

In Office: September 14, 1901-March 4, 1909

Info: Adventurer, Rough Rider, glasses wearer.

Power: His slogan was "speak softly and carry a big stick;" was shot and didn't die from the wound; contracted malaria and didn't die.

Hotness: Don't even front, you think this guy is cute.

Virtue: Was a bit roguish but was also awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

6. William Howard Taft

In Office: March 4, 1909-March 4, 1913

Info: The "Fat President."

Power: His father co-founded Yale's Skull and Bones secret society (powerful) but he got stuck in a bathtub (not powerful).

Hotness: I don't discriminate against chubby men but Taft just isn't doing it for me.

Virtue: Founded the "League to Enforce Peace" but was inconsequential as far as presidents go. I don't really know where to place him on the spectrum so I've decided to give him an "Al Roker dressed as Han Solo."

7. Franklin D. Roosevelt

In Office: March 4, 1933-April 12, 1945

Info: Polio guy, married his 5th cousin once removed, hated old deals, loved New Deals, portrayed by Jon Voight in Pearl Harbor.

Power: Got the nation through the Great Depression while wheelchair bound.

Hotness: I'd do him.

Virtue: One of the country's dopest presidents but was responsible for the internment of Japanese Americans during World War II, which was lame (pun kind of intended). 

8. John F. Kennedy

In Office: January 20, 1961-November 22, 1963

Info: Accent-haver, repped the Pope, was a jam doughnut called a Berliner, admirer of Marilyn Monroe's boobs, assassinated by the government (yeah, that's right, the government). 

Power: Like Abraham Lincoln, failed to survive gun shot wounds, but he also had two endocrine diseases (Addison's disease and hypothyroidism) and still managed to become president and be super hot.

Hotness: Commander-in-Cuteness.

Virtue: Proposed civil rights legislation but may have cheated on his adorable wife. He also died before anyone could really assess how great or horrible he was. 

9.  Richard Nixon 

In Office: January 20, 1969-August 9, 1974

Info: Tricky dick, Watergate guy, resigned.

Power: Was elected even though he had a weird nose and after Watergate was pardoned despite being a total crook/creep.

Hotness: Nixon as portrayed by Richard Nixon:
Nixon as portrayed by Frank Langella in Frost/Nixon:

Virtue: Uh...

10. George H.W. Bush

In Office: January 20, 1989-January 20, 1993

Info: Threw up on Japanese Prime Minister, may or may not have said, "not gon' do it" all the time, first president that I have any recollection of.

Power: Was able to get George W. Bush into Yale.

Hotness: I guess he isn't bad looking but he's dorky in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable.

Virtue: I vote Democrat but I was, like, six years old when Bush Sr. was elected and we didn't really study him in high school, so almost everything I know about him has come to me via Saturday Night Live. This being said, I find it difficult to be objective because I love Dana Carvey so much. So I've decided to give Bush Sr. a "Drunk Today Show Ewok."
(if you haven't seen this video, you really need to watch it right now)

11. Bill Clinton

In Office: January 20, 1993-January 20, 2001

Info: Played the sax, did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky, but did think up some novel ways to use a cigar.

Power: Rescued Euna Lee and Laura Ling from the clutches of North Korea's very own Emperor Palpatine, Kim Jong-Il. 

Hotness: The older I get, the more attractive he is to me.

Virtue: Eh, he had a few lapses in judgement--I'm referring to both the infidelity and the inexplicable choices he made when it came to his extramarital sexual partners--but during his administration the nation actually stopped accruing debt, a feat that I think most of us can appreciate right now.

Homework Assignment

Rate Barack Obama and George W. Bush

*Hint* Gavin Newsom's hotness is measured in Barack Obamas and George W's power, hotness, and virtue are all measured in Smurfs. 

***Disclaimer: Some or all of the facts listed here may or may not be false or incorrect, except for the fact that Andrew Jackson's father died after lifting a log. Totally true.***

Gavin Newsom image (via)


nikki said...

Holy cow, you make me laugh so hard. Gavin Newsome's hotness should be measured on a JFK scale. That man was not bad to look at.

Sadako said...

Great, great post. But Jefferson? NOT hot? He was always my favorite, in terms of hotness! (Not so much in terms of race relations, but ya know how it is.)

Danaconda said...

Well done.

T-Jeff also banged a shitload of his black slaves - not very virtuous.

Not only did FDR lead us through the Depression in a wheelchair...most people didn't even know he was in one. Definitely couldn't happen in this day and age.

I pretty much agree with everything you say except for Lincoln only getting 2 Kazaams (great touch by the way). His brother and mother died when he was young. He dealt with the eventual death of his father, then after he got married had to endure the death of 3 of his 4 children who all died before adulthood, then his wife as well. I believe his sister died before him too. That was one resilient motherfucker.

TbR said...

Thank you - I've learnt so much about American political figures from this post. I feel far less ignorant than before, and somewhat more attracted to Bill Clinton.

April said...

This is the best "political" blog post EVER. Really, I loved it. Good stuff. As for that homework assignment...

Power- Jury's still out, but not looking good since he's having a difficult time getting shit done, but I don't blame him. He has one hell of a mess to clean up.
Hotness- 5, yes, 5 Gavin Newsoms. 'Nuff said.
Virtue- Definitely Yoda, and not just because of the ears.

Power- Jokey Smurf, 'cause let's be honest, Cheney ran that Presidency and if you ever saw the movie W, you know that the man likes to laugh.
Hotness- Clumsy Smurf. I don't know why. It just fits.
Virtue- Scaredy Smurf, uh, hello? Cheney is SCARY!

Simon said...

Good sir, Teddy is my homedog. Seriously, look at that mustache. He ain't fuckin' around.

Obama wins by default.

Krysten @ Why Girls Are Weird said...

First time on your blog and this is what I find!? Sign me up! Love it!

LaceyRee said...

ahahaha I don't even know what my favorite part of this post was. Possibly Al Roker dressed as Han. You are hilarious.


Barbara said...

frickin hilarious.

Amiee said...

Thanks for the american political history lesson, I don't think I can add anything of worth, except I love this post!

Chantale said...

You are the most brilliant person we know. Seriously. Deal with it.

Melissa said...

this post made me laugh so hard. But I also learnt lots of things I didn't know. I'm from Australia, so I don't know much about American Political History, except what I see in movies. but this was brilliant. I was having such a bad night and then I saw this =D
All I can add is Obama is hot and George W Bush is an idiot! =D
That is all!

Powdered Toast Man said...

that was thoroughly entertaining. Great stuff. I wish I had thought to do this.

How do you measure hotness in smurfs?

Angie said...

This is the most creative rating system I've ever seen!

Heather Taylor said...

Amen to the Gavin Newsom rating scale! Seriously, providing I could get a job squared away, I'd move back to San Francisco just to look at that hot mayor!

Richard said...

Greatest. Post. Ever. :)

I always wanted to be Lando Calrissian growing up. Does this mean I also want to be George Washington?

Heck, Lando Calrissian rules a city in the clouds. I mean, how cool is that? It's a city. And it's in the clouds.

George had a really lovely house, but it was on the ground. Not in the clouds.

Johana Hill said...

My favorite U.S president is Bill Clinton! For some reason, like you said, the older he gets, the sexier he becomes...just love him...;p

Adore Obama too but for me, it's still early to rate him in the power segment.

Bush is a laugh! LMAO

Ashley @ Ashley Loves Books said...

Seriously, I don't even know how to leave a comment that can properly convey how fucking brilliant and epically politically accurate this post is. You're pretty much the best ever.

Jen said...

Favorite part: admitting you'd do Roosevelt.


Nathan Lurz said...

As a history major/presidential scholar, here's my take on the list:

GW: apparently kinda hot for the time, but that's probably because he was a foot taller than everyone else.

TJeff: total hottie, but definitely an a-hole.

"Old Hickory": high on the evil scale, but should be a full SIX Shazaam's. The dude was a badass and a half.

Lincoln: uggo. Hence the beard.

TR: .1 Shazaams less than Jackson. Not only did he survive the gunshot, he went on to deliver a speech. And, ya know, killed lions and such.

JFK: don't forget the possible mafia ties. But I'd def tap it.

Bush Sr: how can I argue with drunk Ewoks?

BO: Power, we'll see. Hotness, 4 Newsoms. Virtue, Luke and a half.

Dubya: Power, 4 Smurfs. Hotness, 2 Smurfs. Virtue, Jabba the Hut (addendum: If Dick Cheney included in reasoning, straight to the Emperor)

Amber said...

Thanks everybody. Glad you enjoyed this.

Danaconda: You're right. Lincoln was pretty resilient and probably warranted at least one more Kazaam.

One Blonde Girl: I think you nailed it.

Chantale: Thank you. I'm going to incorporate your comment into my resume.

Powdered Toast Man: How do you measure hotness in smurfs? Very carefully. Buh-dum-dum.

Ashley: I will also be incorporating your comment into my resume.

Soft nonsense: I like that you abbreviated Thomas Jefferson, T Jeff. If they had US Weekly back in his day, you just know that's how they would have referred to him. "Looks like T Jeff is sleeping with another one of his slaves."

Anonymous said...


You could have up'd the ante in the hotness department for Frankie D. His side profile is looking kinda nice.

That Kind of Girl said...

Oh no. Ohhhhhh nooooooooo. You have officially lost your claim as my imaginary bff on account of how ANDREW JACKSON IS ELEVEN KAZAAMS AT A CONSERVATIVE ESTIMATE.

Dude's inauguration party was a free-for-all brawl. He survived the first-ever assassination attempt on a US president when a dude shot TWO REVOLVERS AT POINT BLANK RANGE INTO HIS CHEST, and then when Ol' Hickory's awesomeness caused both to misfire, he just looked at the guy like, 'wtf, n00b?' and kept on drinkin'. He was at WAR with the BANKS!

Andrew Jackson: original badass motherfucker. I will accept no lesser tribute.

Megs said...

As Frederick Douglas famously said, "Abraham Lincoln is super rad."


I was just watching the History Channel the other day and they had a thing about Andrew Jackson. Dude was crazy. He was the Chuck Norris of his day.

Nathan Lurz said...

Also, Andrew Jackson one threw a GIANT party in the White house with a 1,400 pound cheddar cheese wheel It sat there for weeks after, and left a giant stain on the carpet where it sat. All Andrew Jackson said was fuck it, then threw another rager.

Roxarita said...

I am glad Barack Obama is so JFK style with the dead sexy and handsome to boot, because as gross and horrible and simultaneously useless and useful for evil G W Bush is er, he is kind of handsome when he's not talking.

to be fair, I also thought Saddam Hussein was pretty good looking in his heyday, so I am able to judge looks without taking evil into account, apparently.

Kelly L said...

I would tell you how awesome this is, but I suspect you already know.

Amber said...

TKOG: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!! I'm depressed now. For reals. I will try to redeem myself in your eyes and hopefully salvage our BFFship.

Megs and Soft Nonsense: I like how everyone knows so much about Andrew Jackson.

Pana: You're right. GW is kind of handsome. And I'm glad that you admitted that you were mildly attracted to Saddam. I think you've paved the way for other people who harbor sexual feelings for evil despots.

Kelly: Thank you. You're cool and I really appreciate the compliment.

Annah said...

Bill Clinton is a G! He's my favorite by far. So was Lincoln, you don't think he was cute? Boo hoo too you. He's a gangster!

Pinch of Salt said...

This video is the best!

Emily said...

Amber, your blog is my new obsession. Your power over the written word is worth 12 kazaams.

Kylee said...

This is my favorite blog post to date. I laughed out loud at Al Roker dressed as Han.

I want to comment on everything but i don't have that kind of time on my hands. I agree, no matter what I have fond memories of George HW because of Dana Carvey - dont gon' do it.

Will Ferrell's portrayal of
George W KILLS ME to the point of self urination. So there for I view DubYuh as a moronic daddy's boy...

Kylee said...

P.S. I am also weirdly attracted to Bill Clinton, Im glad Im not alone.

Megs said...

You have to know things about Andrew Jackson because he's a badass. He could kick Chuck Norris' butt.

Also...agree about Bill Clinton. The man is hot. There's something about that pointing thing he know he sort of tucks his thumb into his first finger. Gives me goosebumps.

Anonymous said...

I wanted you to know I come to see if you've put up a new post..and when you haven't, I re-read all the old ones and laugh so hard it hurts to breathe.

Kristin said...

Speaking of rad....that whole post was pretty rad. :-)

Christina Harper said...

I bow down to your awesome ability to rate presidents. You are a supremem mistress of your craft. :P

Plus, I love you and stuff and you make me laugh so hard I pee a little.

Noss said...

I just reposted this to my facebook for President's day. Do you even know how fucking cool you are?
Please write more. MOAR I say MOARR!*

*Moar no matter how loudly you type it is never ment to be creepy. That is all.