Tuesday, March 30, 2010

In which I circle the heads of the lamest members of various 90s boy bands

98 Degrees
Perhaps you thought it would be Jeff Justin, the 45-year-old narc, always lurking in the background of group photos, attempting to disguise his old-guyness with bleach blond hair and a "youthful" goatee. But, no. The lamest member of 98 Degrees was actually this guy, whose name I'm too lazy to google. My inability to recall his name is a testament to his lameness because, you see, I was a 98 degrees fan (and even went to see them perform at the All That Music and More Festival 10 years ago). Clearly, he was only added to the band to round things out and even though he is sort of blandly attractive, I can't figure out who he was supposed to appeal to. Nick lured in the girls who liked hunky goons, his diminutive brother Drew was a hit with the girls who were into dwarves, hobbits and other small Tolkien creatures, and Jeff Justin was obviously intended for the old-man-lovers (aka ME!). But this other guy? What's his deal?

(Thanks to Pana and Jen I realize that I did know the lame guy's name but just attributed it to the incorrect 98 Degreer.) 

Color Me Badd
I don't know any of their names but when I was a kid, this was how I viewed the members of this group: The curly-haired one, the black one, the one who sort of looks like George Michael, and the other white one. If you're in a band and you're "the other white one," you're probably lame.

'Nsync
Chris or maybe Joey would be the obvious choice but I'm going to be controversial here and go with JC. First of all, his last name (Chasez) is hard to say and that's totally lame. But really, it's because he was the most attractive (in my opinion), just as vocally gifted as Mr. Timberlake, and wasn't the breakout star of the group--he's a "judge" on a dance show hosted by Mario Lopez while Grammy award-winning Justin can count touching Janet Jackson's boob as one of his many post-'Nsync accomplishments.

LFO
Do you know what "LFO" stands for? Lyte Funky Ones. 'Nuff said.

New Kids on the Block
Danny or Donnie? Danny or Donnie? It's the eternal question, isn't it? But let's say I didn't know anything about NKOTB and someone showed me this picture of the group and told me to pick the lamest one. Well, I'd have to go with Jordan, who looks like a wildly effeminate, hip hop, pig farmer--Jonathan appears to be confirming this by pointing to his brother. Danny, believe it or not, is moderately cute here and Donnie's outfit is simultaneously channeling Fran-kay from Sister Act 2 and Rembrandt--no easy feat. 

Five

So before Five were Five they were 5ive, which is just stupid, but I will admit to owning their CD when I was in the 10th or 11th grade. Anyway, I couldn't remember the group well enough to pick out the lamest member so I watched this video:
Fact: the rapper in a boy band is always the lame-o.

Boyz II Men
None of these "boyz" were lame, per se, but I don't feel that any one member was able to distinguish himself from the pack, for better or worse--this photo is probably evidence of that. The lamest thing about Boyz II Men is that they were overthrown by these other less talented groups. 

Backstreet Boys

Uh, duh.



[Photo Credit: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8]

37 comments:

Sadako said...

Whoa. Who is the New Kid only wearing overalls with no shirt? It's...dirty.

And agree with the LFO picks. So true.

Megs said...

I'm going to go with Danny as the lamest NKOTB, because I NEVER remember he was even in that group. I always sort of felt sorry for Donnie, with the more popular brother and all, so he always got sympathy affection.

But Joey will always live in my heart as the one I was going to marry someday.

Also, there were 4 guys in 98 degrees? I always thought there were 3...Nick, Drew, and the other white meat, as it were. I always forgot Old Guy.

Kylee said...

I think the Lame-o in 98 degrees was for girls who are attracted to gay men. I loved him (but not that much because I cant remember his name) And I LOVED Lance Bass.


So basically there you have it.

Kylee said...

for some girls its the cute shy one, others its the secretly closeted man loving homosexual.

miss. chief said...

hahaha I had a crush on Jordan. Eww

Pana said...

I have a common law doctorate in boy bands, it's true.

The member of 98┬║ that you circled WAS Jeff, and he is so lame that he was on a reality show a few years back and said, "I'm still making my music" and then they SHOWED HIM WITH A CASIO KEYBOARD. IN HIS PARENT'S BASEMENT. WHERE HE LIVES.

That said, I also went to the All That Music and More Extravaganza and Jeff, while lame, was the cutest member of 98┬║. The old guy in the back is named Justin Jeffre and I know this because every year I wonder who the first celebrity of 20__ will be and I always put my money on him. As far as I know, he is still alive.

P.S. by your own logic about the rapper being the lame one, I think it's got to be Danny from New Kids.

P.P.S. Is the main Color Me Badd guy really worse than the Kenny G styled guy with that hair and that face aka The Ugliest Man in Pop and Roll?

Pana said...

DEAD! DEAD! The first DEAD celebrity of 20__!

is what I meant, but I left that word out.

Jane Marie said...

This was hilarious! Yes Jordan does look like an effeminate, hip hop pig farmer.

Also, I'm still kind of in love with the George Michael guy from Color Me Badd.

nikki said...

I never really listened to any boy band music. And I still laughed at this post. I'd have circled every member of every band.

Fear Street said...

Lame dude from 98 Degrees was my favorite. *cringe*

Jen said...

This made me laugh so hard.

You know what's funny? Lame dude from 98 Degrees (who is Jeff Timmons), added me on Twitter. I have no idea why. I am not following him. I have no inclination too. But I like the thought of him reading my random twitters about young adult books and food.

Especially if he still lives in his parents basement.

Jen said...

Also, I did see 98 Degrees at a Seventeen Magazine "Back to School" Fashion Show at a mall.

It was pre-BSB and 'NSync domination, and I was so repulsed. They wore overalls with no shirts and tossed out roses to the crowd.

It was barf worthy.

RAY J said...

I was never really into 98 Degrees that much, but I remember when it came out that Jeff was gay... my friends that listened to the band were all shocked because while Nick was the hottest, they thought the rest were cute too!

Amiee said...

I laughed so much at all of those pics...esp at the look on pig farmer's face. Classic.

Jerry said...

I always thought just being in a "boy band" was the jewel in a lame crown.

Angie said...

LMAO I LOOOVE your Frankay-hay-ho reference. Also, I'm ashamed to say I'm a huge LFO fan. In music only.

Jay Amabile said...

these guys had no clue back then how dumb they looked? lol

Amber said...

Sadako: I don't know what Jordan was thinking with the shirtless overalls thing but I think the look may have been the early 90s equivalent of today's skinny jeans.

Megs: One of my best friends in the 2nd grade had a crush on Danny. She's the only person I've ever met who liked him. I think Joey was supposed to be the cute one and kind of started the young blond lead singer trend that we also see in 'Nsync and BSB.

Kylee: Lance is basically the most awesome member of 'Nsync. You're right.

Pana: Thanks for the correction. That Casio keyboad thing is hilarious. And you're right Danny was probably the lamest of the group but I thought I'd give the poor guy a break. Also, I think that the Kenny G guy from Color Me Badd ended up marrying a chick from the first season of American Idol and he's actually kind of attractive now...if I am getting my Color Me Badd members correct.

Jen: That's so weird about the Twitter thing. I wonder how he found you...?

Jerry and Jay: You're both right. Totally. The funny things is that I don't think that any of these guys were totally delusional. How could they not know how corny they were?

Angie: Thanks. I actually only know one LFO song. The one with the Abercrombie and Fitch line, which, by the way makes me cringe.

Kylee said...

My boredom at work + this post + my love for nostalgia = my googling Jeff Timmons aka Lame guy in 98 degrees

Here are the results

http://www.mugshots.com/IMAGES/Mugshot__jeff%20timmons.jpg

Johana Hill said...

I never bothered with their names! But it was different for Boyzone and Backstreet Boys! LOL

However, right now, I won't remember much. Dang!

That Kind of Girl said...

Nine hundred thousand percent DISAGREE with your LFO comment! Dude! They were lite! They were funky! And, as far as my iPod is concerned, they were THE ONES.

Well, okay, I don't like heart them forever, but they are the only group listed here to whose music I listen on a regular basis.

Also, I know nothing about NKOTB, but I find it hilarious that not only did I know know who Jordan was, but even when you'd explicitly said "looks like a wildly effeminate, hip hop, pig farmer," I could still only narrow it down to three.

Amazing post, dude, as per uzh.

ASBLACKASOBAMA said...

I'm going to start this off by saying that this is one of the funniest posts I've ever read!!!!

Your quote about Jordan looking like a 'wildly effeminate, hip hop, pig farmer' is fantastic!

I once went to see Boys II Men in concert with my brother and his girlfriend. The opening act was billed as Luther Vandross. We were the only three white people in the crowd and we we in the third row.... Awesome seats.... Right as Luther is supposed to take the stage, a representative comes out and says that Luther Vandross is sick, but they have a special surprise for us..... Have you heard of a little band called O-TOWN!!!!!

michelle said...

lol i loved boyz II men, but i agree that they must be lame to have gotten edged out by studio-made semi-talented children

Knitwear M. Groundhog said...

This post is epic.

Sally-Sal said...

I still have a thing for that song "faded" by Soul Decision. I want to hate it, but it's catchy as fuck.

Sally-Sal said...

Also: O-Town.

Butterfly? Seriously? That shit is the reason that some guys will never get laid.

I knew a guy who wrote that song out in letter form to his lady. He did not pass go, he went straight to being an ex.

Tina K said...

AJ McLean has a "69" tattoo. I read about it back in high school in Seventeen or one of those magazines. His reasoning behind the tattoo? It's his favorite number. The "duh" definitely applies.

Christina In Wonderland said...

I don't know, I kind of think Nick is the lamest in the Backstreet Boys, simply because he dated Paris Hilton. That's so not hot...

Knitwear M. Groundhog said...

@Sally-Sal: Also, "Faded" is surprisingly filthy, in the unexpected way that "Afternoon Delight" is.

Heather Taylor said...

I remember really wanting, but not getting to go to the All That music festival.

soft nonsense said...

You should check out my blog today. Just saying.

Copyboy said...

I'm laughing to hard to comment!!!!

Lady Mel said...

Uhm, for N-sync. I would have picked Joey or Chris. Backstreet Boys: Kevin or Brian. Wow, we do have different tastes. lol.

BTW- I want to say is that thank you for loving that "Tweetbag Wars" article I wrote. Glad you loved it! Hope to see more of u in the future. :)

Christina

Powdered Toast Man said...

I never heard of that show but I want to track it down. I totally forgot about Round House til I read it in your post.

P.S. Salute you Shorts is kickass

Jonathon Moxon said...

You rule for critically analyzing the best/worst things of our youth.

Patrick said...

It really blows my mind how everyone says Jeff Timmons is the lamest of 98 degrees when it is that old guy Justin Jeffre, he never did anything but sit there in the background in both pictures and videos, he is also the only one that didn't have a solo career. Jeff Timmons on the other hand is the creator and founder of 98 degrees, if it wasn't for him they would've never existed. For people that "claim" they are fans you sure don't know very much. Have a good everyone!

Mallika said...

I enjoy this. so so so much :)