Tuesday, June 1, 2010

R. Kelly Lyrics Illustrated

What can I say about R. Kelly that hasn't already been said (or turned into a Chappelle's Show sketch)? How about, "R. Kelly is a genius!" I'm sure no one (whose name isn't R. Kelly) has ever said that with any kind of sincerity. Of course, he isn't a genius, at least not in the traditional sense, and if I were a 15-year-old girl or the parent of one, I'd be terrified of him. But he is entertaining. 


I mean, how crazy is it that this guy alternates between singing about the dirtiest, raunchiest sort of sex and inspirational, kid-friendly crap? Although, I guess that disparity isn't so bizarre when you consider his (alleged) super creepy, Humbert Humbert sexual preferences. He's also responsible for coming up with some of the most baffling metaphors and similes. "You Remind Me of Something," a 4 minute extended metaphor comparing a woman to a jeep, includes the following lyric: 


"Girl you look just like my cars, I wanna wax it."


According to this, the girl-jeep analogy isn't figurative and this girl he's serenading literally looks like "cars." I've never seen the chick, so who am I to question the comparison, but what then does "I wanna wax it mean"? Does he literally want to wax this girl who looks like "cars" with turtle wax or is this a reference to hair removal? Whether you're waxing your girlfriend or waxing your girlfriend, it's strange. 


After watching R. Kelly videos on YouTube this weekend I drew these pictures:





























1. This is my favorite R. Kelly video/song.
2. When I get married, my husband and I will play this during our first dance.
3. R. Kelly is inexplicably holding a lighter.
4. Yodeling.

33 comments:

jaminicole.com said...

"Uh...before I disrobe, I'm going to to ask you elaborate on that."

Yeah, that's about right.

Good job. Good post, and all that. Super win for the win.

katrina kay said...

A++++

i love r kells

Sadako said...

I've never gotten that murder she wrote line either! SO WEIRD.

RAY J said...

LOL can't say I really listen to much R. Kelly, but this is hilarious!

michelle said...

Lol the disrobing one is my fave. R Kelly is a nutter

soft nonsense said...

Caption for the second to last pic:

"And I pulled out my guuun...."
"And that's when I killed him your honor."

Alison said...

R. Kelly makes me feel dirty.

But I think that's what he's going for.

John said...

I think he's saying he wants to "wax that ass" or in other words...he wonts to do her doggystyle.

I think you might enjoy this post I did titled Rap Lyrics for White People. It's kinda similar to this post.

http://livingwithballs.com/rap-lyrics-translated-for-white-people-volume-iii/

Jen said...

Amber, I truly love you and sometimes feel like you live inside a tiny part of my brain. I just spent a better part of my day last week waxing poetic about the genius/madness of R Kelly. Then proceeded to play "You Remind Me Of Something" over and over just to make my point to my co-workers.

I also once sat through two hours straight of every part of Trapped in the Closet. I'm surprised I'm not in a coma after listening to that beat for *that* long. It's part of Kelly's evil genius.

Also, your drawings are amaze-balls. And your handwriting is very nice.

Shinxy said...

I love the hotel lobby one.

Yeah...I don't really like parties, but I'd probably rather stay at a party than hang out in a hotel lobby. The reception people get pretty pissed when you do that.

The Mad Hatter said...

This has made my day. Funny as hell. Kelly is pretty much genius/borderline remedial with his lyrics.

As of late, I've been doing something similar to this with paint. I'm pretty much hooked on it.

Imnotbenny said...

This post is filled with awesomesauce and win.

I'm not sure the way to set the sexy mood is to reference Angela Landsbury, unless you are trying to set the sexy mood with an old lady who is older than Angela Landsbury. Even so, seems like that would be kind of disrespectful.

Melissa said...

A couple years ago I listened to R. Kelly's commentary on Trapped in the Closet. I decided that R. Kelly is literally developmentally disabled. Literally.

Kylee said...

I think Im in love with you, dont make this weird.

That was hilarious. Thank you. I needed a laugh.

Angie said...

I'm gonna PISS on you! haha great skit.

That Kind of Girl said...

Dude. GET OUT OF MY HEAD. I've been on a bizarre early-aughts R&B/hiphop binge lately. Which may or may not have culminated in listening to "Pimp Juice" like fifteen times yesterday.

This cracked me up. Especially the "Murder She Wrote" picture. Which is now my gchat status.

ASBLACKASOBAMA said...

I am going to go on record and say that 'Trapped In The Closet' may be the most amazing piece of art ever created.... Move over Mona Lisa! You're about to be replaced at the Louvre by 'Trapped In The Closet' running on a loop.... I watch that thing at least once a month....

Need more evidence that R. Kelly is a genius? http://asblackasobama.blogspot.com/2009/12/r-kelly-wants-you-to-have-his-child.html

After you hear this song, I think you might want to change your wedding song....

Heather Taylor said...

I like how Trapped in the Closet is the reading before bedtime in your pictures. I've never been a fan of R. Kelly but MadTV used to do some pretty funny sketches featuring spoofs of his videos.

Danaconda said...

Hysterical. I'm glad my day can be made by 11 a.m. I would also much rather have Taco Bell then stay in the hotel lobby.

But yeah, because his voice is so amazing it really doesn't matter what he sings. I'm surprised you forgot his "I Believe I Can Fly" song in Space Jam!

In all seriousness, not too many people could crash like he did with the whole "urinating on minors" thing, then rebound back to superstardom.

Jerry said...

Those are hilarious. You should so animate those.

RMb said...

hahahaha. this is comedic gold. :)

Another David said...

I've always wondered about the murder she wrote thing, too

Sammy V said...

I'm still a little teary-eyed. You are hilarious!

basia said...

R. Kelly = creepy creep.

You = awesome.

My 10th grade teacher made us listen to "I believe I can fly" and run around the room, flapping our arms.

I think that explains a lot about why I am the way I am.

Missed Periods said...

I saw him in concert once. Long story. Anyhow, I think he may have had sex on a bed on stage.

nitewriting said...

heheheh. i like. especially the bed story drawing.

he's a douchefuck. he's friggin nasty. but thank you (?) for the video.. r. kelly yodeling was life-changing... in a sobering sort of way. also, that is one seriously low budget video.

RC said...

R. Kelly makes me laugh - I always imagine his closet songs.

Sada said...

The yodeling just almost destroyed me. It's my new dream to karaoke that song. Thank you.

Melissa, I'm SO WITH YOU on Kells' developmental disability. At one point in the "Trapped in the Closet" commentary he calls asthma a "cliffhanger." I'm sorry--WHAT? The commentary may actually be better than "Trapped in the Closet" itself. Yeah, it's THAT AMAZING.

As for the Murder She Wrote thing, I think R. Kelly is trying to warn you that he's slightly incontinent--like much of Jessica Fletcher's fan base--so you shouldn't be surprised if he, like, pees on you. Right?

Megs said...

Yes. Very yes.

I think the best part of R. Kelly is that you don't HAVE to say anything nice about him, because he's already said it about himself. A lot.

I have always wondered why the hell you would leave the party for the hotel lobby. I thought maybe I was just completely unhip, and didn't realize the hotel lobby was the coolest place to party. I feel better about that now.

aladdinsane12 said...

i would much rather go to taco bell than hang out in a hotel lobby.

i had to stop that video after like 10 seconds because that was just too much of his face for me at one time.

alittlenerdish said...

I'm usually not one for one word comments but - LMFAO!

Aggy said...

OMG! Ha-larious!

P.S. I am sufficiently confused as to how R. Kelley continues to produce music... A song with "sex in the morning, sex all day" repeated over and over seems like it would be an epic fail. Maybe it is.

Also, the captcha for this comment is bacoggen.

glitterandhairpins said...

i can't even begin to explain the level on which this completes my life.