Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Why I Refuse to See Scream 4 or The Grumblings of a Crotchety Almost-30-Year-Old

Fully engrossed in my addictions to napping and spraying my hair with Sun-In, I didn't learn that this thing called "Scream 4" existed until last weekend. 
If only Wes Craven and Kevin Williamson had consulted me on this project before it went into production, I could've warned them that they were creating a movie that I have absolutely no intention of seeing. Why do I refuse to see Scream 4? The reasons are fairly obvious. 

I Prefer the Home Alone Culkins.
You can just look at Rory Culkin (who plays some kind of guy with luscious brown hair in Scream 4) and tell that he has no idea what it's like to be in Home Alone. His brothers, Macaulay and Kieran, carry those Home Alone battle scars with them--look into their eyes and you'll notice their hardened, world-weary "I was once in Home Alone and then later in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York" stares. Although Rory is arguably the most attractive of the clan, and I definitely want to spend hours braiding and re-braiding his hair, to be a Culkin and to not have been in Home Alone--or worse, to have only been a year old when the movie was released--is kind of lame. 

This low-rent, bastardized version of the Randy character from Screams 1-3 who looks like an actual teenager and not a 30-year-old man portraying a teenager. 
So I realize that, when it comes to the super meta Scream franchise, we need a character to harp on "the rules" of the horror genre throughout the movie because we're all morons with no understanding of tropes or the ability to comprehend what we see without someone interpreting it for us. But I don't understand why Randy/Jamie Kennedy isn't that person in this new movie. Now, I know what you're thinking. He died in Scream 2. But when has someone dying ever stopped them from being alive? Plus--and I know I might lose a little credibility by saying this--I really like Jamie Kennedy. Don't be hatin'.

The Real-Life Dissolution of the Courteney Cox-David Arquette Relationship. 
Do you remember the first episode of Friends to air after Courteney Cox and David Arquette were married? Courteney Cox had just changed her name to Courteney Cox-Arquette and during the opening credits, every other cast member's last name was hyphenated with "Arquette." I thought that was pretty cute. Alas, the greatest love story of our generation, nay, of all time, has ended and I can't bear to see the two of them on screen together. 

In the future, this movie will be an historically inaccurate representation of our era and, as someone with a B.A. in history, I can't stand for that.
A landline? Really? Next you'll be telling me she still sends letters via the US Postal Service instead of sending emails. Or that she sleeps on a bed and not inside of a hyperbaric chamber. Also, I understand that we aren't supposed to try and make sense of anything we see in a horror movie, but it's a well known fact that anyone who calls you on your landline is either (a)going to kill you or (b) a bill collector. This is why YOU NEVER ANSWER YOUR HOUSE PHONE! Add that to your list of rules, weird-kid-who-ISN'T-Jamie Kennedy.

I'm Over This Person
Adam, The O.C. was great (during the first two seasons). We all had our fun, made some memories, etc. But I don't know that this acting thing is for you. You're attractive enough and seem intelligent, and I feel that you're perfectly suited for a career as cute-guy-who-works-in-that-one-store. Or even cute-guy-who-I-see-on-the-bus-from-time-to-time. So, why don't you step aside and leave the acting to Anthony Anderson.

I'm Pretty Sure that Hayden Panettiere's Character is Going to Die and that She Isn't "the Killer."
I don't like being able to predict anything. I want to be genuinely surprised when I see a horror movie and I don't think that there are any surprises left in this franchise. For once, I'd like there to be a Scream sequel where everyone's the killer and no one dies. Or where no one's the killer but everyone dies. Aw snap, I'm giving myself chills just thinking about that.

Lastly, I Just Literally Can't See the Movie.
I'm broke. All I have is $5 and a coupon for a free McDonald's oatmeal. 


Aaron said...

I gave my free McDonald's oatmeal coupon to a co-worker last week. I kinda want to see this though. Purely for the same reasons I paid money and got disappointed with Superman Returns and the new Indiana Jones. It's pure nostalgia.

Maria said...

The ONE time I don't agree with you!

I can't wait to see Scream 4 and see how they develop the plot. Who is the killer?!

I personally wish it was still Skeet Ulrich. Man, I had a crush on him.

Amanda said...

I am an insane person and while I was growing up Scream 2 was my favorite movie...

So besides the fact that you have no intention of watching Scream 4, I 100% completely agree with every point you made - especially the embarrassing bit about liking Jamie Kennedy...

Your blog is brilliant and I love it.

girluntitled said...

i will only go to scream 4 if...

wait, i'll stop there.

Amiee said...

I agree with Aaron, it's for nostalgias sake! Also McDonalds do oatmeal?

Lorelai said...

As a person who is actually planning on RECREATING the Home Alone 2: Lost In New York experience this Christmas, I'm inclined to agree with you on the non-Home Alone Culkin. I do feel a little bad for him though. He must feel so left out.

By the way, McDonalds in the US has oatmeal on their breakfast menu? Really?

Jen said...

Scream 3 was awful. I can't believe sweet Noel from FELICITY was the killer.

I might got see Scream 4 just for nostalgia sake. And to openly mock Hayden's GOD AWFUL haircut that I keep seeing in the preview. I'm sure it's actually a cute cut when it's not mousesd back and looking all soccer mom-ish.

And totally agree about Rory Caulkin. What's up with that dude? He hasn't paid his dues.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

The only way they could surprise me now would be find out the killer is really a ghost in a man mask.

Shannon said...

The Scream movies remind me of my youth sooooo much. I remember falling for Skeet Ulrich in "Scream" and then obsessing over him in "The Craft". (which my husband watched with me on my 31 birthday the other week b/c I still love it).

Oh, and Jerry O'C singing Cheap Trick in "Scream 2"? That set the standard for boyfriends for me.

Anyway - I will likely see this movie. And I will likely be disappointed. But I still can't help it! I'm a Screamie. (is that a word?)

Ali said...

Shortly after the peak of Neve Campbell's career, I started a list actresses suffering from NCS (Neve Cambpell Syndrome.) Symptoms include squinty eyes, head cocking and frequent pauses in dialogue. Kristen Stewart and the girl who played Ashley in Fifteen are at the top of the list.

I'd save the $5 for more Sun In.

Rory is what the French call les incompetents.

BeckEye said...

I'm totally going to see it. Because I can't get enough of Neve Campbell's thoughtful... pauses... between... every ...word. Oh, I mean, I guess I'm totally going to see it IN SPITE OF Neve Campbell's annoyingness.

A movie where everyone is the killer and no one dies. I think you're on to something, missy.

SP said...

My parents actually have a hyperbaric chamber in their house. No way in hell I'd sleep in one of those. Claustrophobic much? Maybe.

Simon said...

*Jamie Kennedy High Five*

Heather Taylor said...

Somebody's got to give Neve Campbell a paycheck.
Spend your money (when you get it) on Insidious instead. Spooky and jumpy to say least.

Wilde.Dash said...

Um, this is brilliant.

Thanks for providing me with obviously more legit reasons for not seeing Scream 4 apart from the "meh" I've been using. It's very true...Rory Culkin don't know shit.