Wednesday, January 5, 2011

In Which I Make My Wildest Dreams Come True

One of the (very few) advantages of adulthood is that you have tons of autonomy. Like, I'll be home alone (2: Lost in New York) and think "Wow, it's super autonomous up in here, I should really be carpe dieming." So, I've finally decided to capitalize on all of this freedom that I have, be the master of my own destiny, follow my bliss, etc. and make three of my childhood dreams come true.

#1 Eat Cheese Whiz Straight from the Can
My mother never bought cheese whiz when I was a kid. We just weren't that kind of family, I guess. So, I (1) always wanted to taste the stuff and (2) wanted the stuff to enter my mouth via pressurized can and not via Ritz Cracker, Triscuit, what have you. I'm pretty sure that I saw someone consuming cheese whiz in this manner while watching some incredibly high brow film and it seemed like a good idea. 

I went with the bacon flavored "Easy Cheese," thinking that if I was going to do this, I might as well go all out.
Though I'd always wanted to do this, I did experience a little trepidation, initially--which I'm sure you can see in this very flattering photo. When the "cheese" hit my tongue, it felt kind of...wrong. Like, eerily warm.
But that "wrongness" was actually just my taste buds adjusting to awesomeness and I ended up eating/drinking my weight in whiz.

#2 Eat Whipped Cream Straight from the Can
Yes, a lot of my dreams involve eating stuff from cans. I don't know why, but let's just accept it and move on.
Now, this was just delightful, right off the bat.
Instead of giving any babies that I might have bottles of milk, I've resolved to feed them Reddi Wip. Weird thought: Do you think if you ate enough of this stuff, your breast milk would become all pressurized, turning the mammary into a sort of organic whipped cream dispenser? 
I also forced my cat to make her dreams come true and gave her a plate of whipped cream.

#3 Slice a Bar of Irish Spring Soap with a Knife
You can't even fathom how badly I wanted to do this when I was a kid. I begged and pleaded, but my mom just wasn't down. Once, my aunt said that she'd buy me a bar, but I guess she forgot about it or my mother persuaded her not to. I don't know.

If you grew up in the 90s, I'm sure you share this dream, thanks to Irish Spring commercials like this:

I can't tell you what cutting that sliver off the bar is supposed to be demonstrating, but I do know that right now, after watching that commercial, you totally want to slice up some Irish Spring...and then maybe eat some of it. (I don't know, something about the way that knife just glides through that soap, makes me think that it might taste good.)
I didn't think it would be so difficult to cut the soap---and I was using a high quality, steak knife that I stole from Chili's. Eventually I was able to cut through the bar, and let me tell you, the experience was cathartic. I felt like I could just sit there and cut up bars of Irish Spring all day long---maybe julienne the Irish Spring or rub it up against a cheese grater, really, the possibilities are endless.

I hope I've inspired you to follow in my footsteps and make all of your wildest dreams come true.


MJenks said...

I used to have that X-Men poster hanging on the wall in my room. In fact, I'm not sure that that that poster isn't still hanging in my childhood room.

I've done all three of those. I'm also not sure why the slicing of the soap is so cathartic.

The cheese whiz thing I did to gross someone out in grad school. I went to grad school with a bunch of pussies.

Melanie's Randomness said...

I will eat whip cream from a can. I should do it more often!! hehe =)

Melanie's Randomness

TbR said...

You know how to live. Seriously.

I'm using this post as inspiration for future alone-time (though I don't think you can buy cheese in a can over here). I'll improvise.

soft nonsense said...

Amber - You inspire me. I need to buy more comic book t-shirts and get my hands on some high-pressured dairy products.

Also, if you could get your mammories to do that, you would have a lucrative career in adult cinema for decades. I don't really know what niche/category you would fall under, but whatever it was, you would rule it.

The Shanner of Attention said...

I can't stop laughing at that Irish Spring commercial. I'm soooo glad you got to mimic the awesomeness. You have inspired me to do things I always wanted to as a kid.

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

"drinking my weight in whiz."


Okay, sorry. The cheese whiz thing pretty much made me throw up in my mouth a little. But to each their own! The cutting soap thing though? Yeah, I'll do it. I'll cut that soap up.


Jen said...

Girl, I feel you on the cheese whiz. My mom refused to buy it, but once my grandmother threw me tea party and as a special treat, bought cheese wiz that we spread on tiny finger sandwiches.

(and yeah, we ate cheese whiz at a tea party. Not very high-brow)

I can only imagine the amazing-ness of eating it directly from a a can.

And seriously, sometimes being an adult and realizing you can eat candy for breakfast, or consume your weight in whipped cream is rad.

Barbara said...

At 27 years old, I still can't resist eating Reddi Wip right out of the can

Simon said...

Whipped Cream from the can is amazing. Seriously, instead of water, we should send children of the desert this stuff.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I just want to thank you for the fact I'm probably going to be saying "Wow, it's super autonomous up in here, I should really be carpe dieming" at least once today.

Also, I remember having Cheez wiz as a kid once or twice so clearly I am just kind of trashy deep down. Or not so deep, I don't know. Nowadays I scoff at such nasty foodstuffs but secretly long to try them again. But if it's anything like the nacho cheese you get at movie theaters I will cut someone.

Megs said...

When I moved out on my own one of the first things I did was hang something on the wall with a nail. My mom always rented our houses and she didn't want to have to worry about the deposit, so no nails in the walls.

This dream, sadly, did not really work out for me. I mean sure I did it, but now I have a hole in the wall and it's MY wall. Very disappointing.

I also ate a can of Spaghettios with Meatballs and an entire package of DoubleStuf Oreos. These dreams were more enjoyable.

Also - cheez whiz is delicious, but you have to say no to fake bacon flavoring. Nothing good ever came of fake bacon flavor.

Tabs A. Geek said...

I don't think they have the spray cans of cheez whiz here. I actually don't like cheez whiz all that much; I think I ate too much of it as a child.

Whipped cream from the can was one of my favourite things to do as a kid. Mom used to catch us sneaking into the fridge to do it. Haha.

Irish Spring soap cutting is fun. We used to have to make soap sculptures in art class in public school. The teacher wanted us to carve Dove soap, but I was allergic so I got Irish Spring instead.

RMb said...

love this post: i used to eat whipped cream from the can (soley for the purpose of enjoying it as a whip it... erm... RECYCLE the can... yeah).
cant say i did even sort of the same thing for the cheese whiz. imo: that shit is nasty.
i do agree with the irish spring soap. and i wont lie: that commerical did make me run to the bathroom & yoink my husband's bar so i could cut it off (interestingly enough: the already used bars don't slice as nicely). i'm not sure how i'll explain that one. :)

Amiee said...

That commercial cracked me up, never seen it before but completely get the compulsion to slice it up.

loveable_homebody said...

Yes, I could see that hilarious trepidation. It was fun to see your confidence grow once you understood the glory.

Yes, adulthood is good precisely for this kind of independence. I'm glad you're making the most of it!

Boonie S said...

Wow! You sure do know how to enjoy yourself. Live wild, live free - that's what I say.
Fun post. Thanks.

Have a nice day, Boonie

nikki said...

I'm having a baby in a few weeks. Maybe I'll try your Reddi-ship from a can experiment and let you know what it does to my mammaries.

Purtle said...

I love the post, but I can't get over a glaring mistake: Cheese Wiz comes in a jar. Easy Cheese comes in the can.

But am I super excited to get all autonomous up in here!!!

dolmadez said...

You are an inspiration!

Christina In Wonderland said...

At least I'm not the only one who thinks slicing soap just kind of demands you to eat it! Not that I ever did... *ahem**soap bubble*

Emily said...

Seriously we need to be best friends.

Nicki said...

I am so glad I'm not the only one on this planet that refuses to refer to cheez whiz as Easy Cheese.

Seriously. It's cheez whiz. If it's spelled correctly, it can't be processed and come out of a can. This is America. And we speak Americaneze, damnit.

Fear Street said...

You are...unsurpassed.

Also: kick ass shirt.

girlwithglasses said...

remarkably, you've got a good amount of pressurization with breastmilk without eating many cans of reddi whip (this is not to say you shouldn't anyway). in my hey-day of breastfeeding, i could shoot milk a good six or seven feet.

i hope i just made your day that more perplexingly brighter.

Rachael said...

I can't believe no one else has pointed this out - my dreams of eating pressurized cheese product from a can was inspired by A Goofy Movie. Pauly Shore's character was obsessed with the stuff. Appropriate clip:

Kelly L said...

I love you. You are an inspiration to us all.

Ali said...

You've just inspired my dream vacation: sit in a giant bathtub (fitted with Hypogriff feet) and whittle Irish Spring while surrounded by floating bars of Ivory.

It's 99.44% pure, you know.