Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Arts & Crap: Holiday Beardos

Ah, Christmas! A time to give, a time to love, a time to kill, and most importantly, a time to celebrate hoary old, rosy-cheeked bearded men. If you live in the world, you know that Santa is the beardo we casual Christians honor most during the holiday season and our veneration of Old Saint Nick extends to our December craft projects. When I was in elementary school, my teachers forced my classmates and I to churn out hundreds of paper plate Santas, hang said paper plates upon the walls, and then prostrate ourselves before them. "O night divine, O night when Santa was born," we would sing. 

To make your very own paper plate Santa Claus you will need:
Construction Paper (red, pink, white)
Cotton Balls
Paper Plate
Black Marker
Scissors, Glue, etc.

Instructions (which I basically just got from this site):
1. To make Santa's head, turn the paper plate face down (trim down the edges of the plate if you're inspired to do so) and color the paper plate peach as conventional wisdom/the media/the National Association for the Advancement of Peach People (NAAPP) tells us that this is the color of flesh.

2. Fabricate a little cone-shaped Santa hat with your red construction paper. Glue a cotton ball to the tip of the hat, so that the hat looks gangsta, and a white strip of construction paper to the base--this will be the brim of the hat. Glue the hat to the peach face.

3. Glue cotton balls around the edges of the paper plate peach face. Make sure to do this with care because this will be Santa's beard and you want him to look as sexy as possible. 

4. Draw Santa's face with your black marker. You can cut out some pink construction paper circles and glue them onto his cheeks to convey how drunk he is/the severity of his rosacea.

After completing this Santa (and sucking my glue-covered fingers clean), I got to thinking about some of the other beardy men I admire/respect/wish would come down my chimney every year, and realized that with a few minor adjustments I could honor all of them this holiday season via paper plate craft project.

Karl Marx

Charles Darwin

Papa Smurf

Willie Nelson

Morgan Freeman

The really cool thing about these paper plate faces is that you can punch two little holes into the sides, attach a piece of string/rubber band, and turn them into masks. This way you can attend your holiday functions as Karl Marx, Morgan Freeman, etc. 


Melanie's Randomness said...

aww these are cute!! I like the Papa Smurf one & the Willie Nelson one the best!!! =)

P.S. LOVE your new banner!! Go Artie!! =)

Melanie's Randomness

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

Papa Smurf made me LOL and then it was downhill to full on giggles after that.

Sucking off the glue, eh? Can't say I ever did that, but I did skip entire craft projects in favor of covering my hand in elmer's glue, waiting until it dried and the peeling it all off again.

Aaaahh, childhood entertainment.

Your santa is super sexy. And super drunk. Congrats.


The Vegetable Assassin said...

Those are just awesome! I laughed hard at Willie Nelson and Morgan Freeman. Although, you know, I'd enjoy either of those gentlemen coming down my chimney. Willie for his geeeetar playing and secret santa stash, and Morgan for his silky voice.

MJenks said...

I thought you were going to tell us that we could glue them to a balloon and then punch famous bearded people in the face.

But, I suppose your plan is better. Or less violent. Or something.

The Shanner of Attention said...

I lol'd. I think every house should have a paper plate Morgan Freeman.

beanditch said...

Your gluey finger sucking reminded me of a friend I had in elementary school. She had apple scented glue and would literally squirt it into her mouth and chow down instead of actually completing projects. So gross.

RMb said...

genius. absolutely genius.
also, im glad you posted an update again!

Fear Street said...

Papa Smurf is stealing my soul through his dread gaze. I'm scared...

Missed Periods said...

While everyone else was making their Santas, I was the only one in first grade making a menorah. So, if I ever teach elementary school, my class is making holiday paper plate Willie Nelsons for sure.

Amiee said...

So creative! I heart Charles Darwin.

Megs said...

Charles Darwin for the win! Survival of the fittest BEARD!

No, I have no idea what that means.

Sally-Sal said...

I love that you didn't forget Morgan Freeman's freckles. Love his freckles!

Angie said...


Nicki said...

Gluing cotton balls to my chin just became the new decorating for Christmas. Bye-bye, manger scene.

Christina In Wonderland said...

The Willie Nelson and Morgan Freeman ones were THE BEST! I love and miss you blogging regularish, Amber. Please come back to my computer. Please...

TbR said...

Well I know what I'm going to be doing for the rest of the week!

Thanking you muchly.

TbR said...

Well I know what I'm going to be doing for the rest of the week!

Thanking you muchly.

Chelsey V said...

Behold Morgan Freeman: Patron Paper Plate Saint of Comforting Smiles and Adorable Freckles!

Sana Ali said...

I'm new to your blog and your banner instantly put a smile on my face. Loved it:)


Tabs A. Geek said...

Epic. I like Morgan Freeman and Papa Smurf the best.

Sadako said...

Yay for Karl Marx! He always gets forgotten this time of year.