Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Fountain of Youth: Anti-Aging Tips for the Neo-Adolescent--Part 1

First, thanks to all of the birthday well-wishers. Your comments warmed the cockles of my heart and I cherish you in the same way that Madonna cherishes merbabies


Now, having just celebrated the 27-year anniversary of my birth, I've decided to really and truly dedicate myself to acting my shoe size and not my age, even if doing so flies in the face of everything that Prince has taught me. If you'd like to join me in this, and I can't understand why you wouldn't, here are some tips.


1. Shop in the kids department.
You, too, can look like a 9-year-old boy from 1980. This is also economical as kid clothes are cheaper than adult clothes, so bonus! 


2. Stop eating foods intended to regulate your bowel movements. 
Just say no to Bifidus Regularis, people!

3. Draw a picture--with crayons, naturally--of what you did today. 
Put your picture up on the refrigerator. Even better, give/send it to your parents. If you go home for the holidays and they haven't put it up on their fridge, drop to your knees and wail. When mom/dad asks what's wrong, point to the spot on the fridge where your drawing SHOULD be displayed and say, "You don't even love me." Because, let's face it, if the drawing isn't on the refrigerator, they don't love you.

4. Make some newspaper hats.
Kids are cash poor, so their hats are always made of newspaper. When you put your newspaper hat on your head, you will feel really young and also cool. It's great if the  newspaper you use has a picture of California lieutenant governor-elect, Gavin Newsom, on it--your hat will be both cool and hot. 

5. Temporarily tat yourself.

You will look hella raw.

6. Get some of this Act Anticavitiy mouth rinse.

It's the #1 Dentist Recommended Brand and it's "Ocean Berry" flavor, which I assume means that it's made with berries that grow in the ocean. You don't have to feel weird about buying it, 'cause even though it says "Act Anticavity Kids" on the front of the bottle, the back says "Keep out of reach of children."

So, I'm pretty sure it was designed with people like us in mind. 




(if you're digging that laser school picture background in the first photo, go here.)

22 comments:

The Shanner of Attention said...

you are so stinkin' rad. i love your posts.

Georgina Dollface said...

Happy belated birthday. You are so friggin funny. You crack me up every time. - G
PS. Thanks for the shout out on your awards post!

Megs said...

Yay! I'ma get on this IMMEDIATELY.

It is frightening how many things in the kids dept. fit me. I don't know if I am very small or if children are coming in much larger sizes than I remember.

Unfortunately, my newspaper hat is more likely to have Gov. Mike Beebe on it, and he is nowhere near as hot as Gavin Newsom.

Eleni said...

Hahaha, I remember those laser backgrounds! I always wanted my school picture to have the lasers, but my mom always said "No." I didn't appreciate her wisdom until years later.

nikki said...

Haha! I actually fit into a girls' XL size! Well, when I'm not hugely pregnant like I am now I do. Saves $$$ and some of the girls shirts at Target are hella cute. For some reason, baby and toddler clothes are more expensive than regular kids' sizes though.

With five kids in my family, my parents would never pony up the extra dough for any school picture background other than the generic fake clouds. Clearly they didn't love us enough because they chose to feed and shelter us rather than give us awesome laser backgrounds.

Simon said...

And watch Cartoon Network while not high.

Benny said...

Haha I love it... I can see all of these things becoming trends in the near future. I think Peter Pan is going to be the new Gipster (Grandparent-Hipster).

MC said...

Correction: Only eat Activia if someone is paying you a lot of money.

Amiee said...

Damn...you got to choose your background? My school was so lame.

Nicki said...

I buy all my t-shirts in the little boys section. That sounds creepy. But Juniors just doesn't carry Lego Star Wars or TMNT, so a girl does what a girl has to do. And "what a girl has to do" includes wrestling with small children for the last Mario shirt.

Sadako said...

We didn't get to choose our backgrounds either. LAME!

MJenks said...

I'm more worried about the line above the one about keeping out of the reach of children.

It starts with AIDS! AIDS!!!

That shit gives kids AIDS. It says so right--wait a second.

Change one letter in KIDS and you have AIDS!!!!

Government conspiracy!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmmmm...on second thought, my Dayquil might be wearing off...

Sada said...

I happen to have an extra child-sized Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shirt lying around. I mean, if you're into that sort of thing.

Tina K said...

I never had a laser background! I only had the sky blue background. I feel so cheated out of a childhood.

Ashley R said...

Since I suck and don't read blog posts until at least weeks later, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

And dude, Buzz tattoo? BAD. ASS.

Jen said...

I may or may not color on a regular basis to relieve stress. But I'm not artistic. So I either just scribble random shapes, or I f'ing color in a coloring book.

That's right bitches!

(actually I haven't colored in a while, but I was eye'ing a seriously awesome looking scooby doo christmas book at the drugstore the other day. hollah)

Missed Periods said...

Goodbye eye cream, hello newspaper hat!

How is it that you are so rad?

Fear Street said...

Newspaper hats + Spongebob mouthwash = party all the time.

Tabs A. Geek said...

Ha. This is awesome.

Kind of reminds me of how excited I got the other day to be doing crafts for work. We're having a Christmas door decorating contest, so of course I had to whip out the glue gun, tissue paper, and all that stuff.

I felt like I was ten again. It was great. Only. It kind of may have looked better than what I would have made at age ten. But its the feeling that counts, right?

Heather Taylor said...

Gavin Newsom paper hat. I want one. Scratch that, I need one.

Usman Shakil said...

Best Anti-Aging Foods

Shruti Cutie said...

Such a nice post on getting young-looking skin. These beauty and skin care tips surely help. Also, indulging to good anti-aging foods can also help.

All the best and more power!
Shruti xoxoxox
Shrutigoenka.snydle.com