Monday, May 17, 2010
An Open Letter to the Goblin King, Regarding Your Bulge, Which is Both Magical and Mystical but Not as Efficient or Profitable as it Could Be
When I first saw you, I was a child, not much older than the babies that you so weirdly covet. In spite of my age, or perhaps because of it, my attraction to you was immediate and pure. As you'll remember, there were many a goblin jump-magic-jumping round your ankles that day, but it was you, Jareth, sovereign of my soul, who captivated me; it was you who bewitched me so thoroughly.
Your golden mullet and subversive eye makeup were both rather beautiful, but your bulge, ah, now that was a sight to behold! It was so hypnotic and also so very, very big. There was something defiant about your bulge, but also something regal. It seemed to whisper, "fear me, love me, do as I say, and I will be your slave." As a great admirer of you and your bulge, I write this letter, which is a business proposal of sorts.
Please pardon my frankness, but I do believe that the marvel betwixt your legs is underutilized. No, that isn't a come-on. (Though, I'm game if you are, ha ha ha). I simply mean that I don't think that you are maximizing the potential of the space. I'll preface my proposal by saying that I am no bulge expert as (a) I'm female and (b) I attended a Catholic high school and the instruction I received in bulge theory was lacking. I have, however, studied your particular bulge quite extensively and feel qualified to proffer a few suggestions.
This is a pie chart that I've created to show you the current spatial distribution:
Because what you have down there is so tremendous, I'm fairly certain that we can do a lot with the unused 60% while also maintaining some personal space, which you could leave empty or decorate to your liking.
The following is a short list of possible renovations:
1. Oubliette/Dungeon. This, the most obvious renovation, would be used to imprison rivals, traitors, tricksters, etc. As the saying goes, "keep your friends close, and your enemies closer."
2. Cheetos. You seem thin to me and could stand to put on a couple of pounds. Cheetos can fix this. I don't know if you've ever had any, but they are a tasty treat. Sure, they can be a bit messy, but they are also a sturdy chip, not easily crushed, and that's important when it comes to underpants snacks.
3. Advertisements. Since you'll be eating Cheetos anyway, why not look into some kind of endorsement deal? You could sell ad space to the Cheetos people and make some money.
4. A Book of Poetry by Federico Garcia Lorca. "Magic Dance" is a great song but I've always found the lyrics to be a bit unimaginative. Perhaps reading a little Lorca from time to time would inspire you.
5. A Labyrinth. If I were you, I'd transport the labyrinth that leads to your castle into your pants. This way, you wouldn't have to consult your crystal ball every time you wanted to check on anyone who might be wandering about--you could just look into your pants/tights. But if that is too difficult, why not construct a second, slightly smaller labyrinth there in your pants, turn it into an amusement park, and then charge people to walk through it?
If you make these changes, the spatial distribution of your bulge would be something like this:
Here is a graph showing how these changes will effect you monetarily:
I pray that this letter and my boldness haven't offended you. As I mentioned earlier, I adore you, Jareth, and could no longer sit idly by as your bulge failed to live up to its potential.
With Undying Love,