Friday, May 7, 2010

Vintage Amber: My Secret Shame

My secret shame is behind this closet door.


No, it isn't the junk precariously balanced on top of the other junk precariously balanced on top of the layer of junk I affectionately refer to as "The First Terrace of Mount Purgatorio." 
As a matter of fact, I'm rather proud of the way that I've managed to jam 30% of everything that I've ever owned into such a small space. And yes, I do believe that I should be given an architectural award for "Best Makeshift Guitar Hero-Box Shelf" and then another, supplementary award for the Jenga-master skill that I demonstrate every time I yank something out of the back of the closet without causing a "comical" junk avalanche.


My secret shame is this Ben Affleck collage or...
As far as secret shames go, this may seem a little tame. But just look at that thing. It's psychotic. There isn't any artistry, it's just a manic jumble of floating Affleck heads and bodies.


I created Affleckollage in 1999, back when I was a 16-year-old sociopath and even then I was ashamed of it. This thing terrifies me because I don't like Ben Affleck and never have! Who devotes an entire afternoon to methodically constructing a collage of a man she doesn't like? A crazy person, that's who. I'm sure there's some weird, wild-eyed cult leader with a similar collage (possibly of Casey Affleck) framed and displayed in his weird, wild-eyed cult leader foyer.


Because I don't dig "The Affleck" and think that almost everything he's done post-Voyage of the Mimi (including that time he kissed Jennifer Lopez's butt) has been pretty lame, I'd liken my relationship with Affleckollage to that feeling you get when you accidentally pee on yourself. Not the itchy wetness, though, now that I think about it, there is a little of that, but I'm talking about emotions, I'm talking about that intense combination of embarrassment and Eeyore-esque self-loathing (where you're like, "Oh no, I hope no one notices that I've urinated all over myself," while also thinking, "I'm such a loser. I don't even know how to use toilets").


Affleckollage isn't something that I wanted to make, it's something that I was compelled to make. It is--and this is hard for me to come to terms with--my heart's triumph over my brain.
(Here is a very scientific diagram that I drew to illustrate the battle between my heart and my brain.)

You see, even though I say that I don't like Ben Affleck, a part of me must want to marry him and have 40 or 50 half Amber, half Affleck babies. This scares me. 

Usually when I open the closet, I don't see Affleckollage--it's taped to the door, so my back is obviously turned to it--but when I do happen to catch a glimpse of the monstrosity, I experience several different emotions within about 30 seconds, a phenomenon that psychologists and Affleck scholars have labeled...


"The Seven Stages of Seeing The Affleckollage That You Created With Your Own Two Hands When You Were 16 Years Old."







I know, I know, I know. You're thinking, "Amber, it's been more than 10 years, throw Affleckollage out and stop torturing yourself." But I can't. Affleckollage keeps me humble. Whenever I'm walking around town, wearing my designer jeans, feeling like awesome incarnate, I just think "oh wait, I have a Ben Affleck collage in my house" and remember that I'm not that cool. 





---------------
Work was ultra boring yesterday so I drew this especially for you. 

If you don't know who this guy is then you're making my heart sad right now. The only way for you to smooth things over is to give me buckets of cash. 

45 comments:

No One Reads The Copy said...

I had a collage for Billie Joe from Green Day, but I was in love with him.

The fact that you did this for someone you don't even like... HYSTERICAL!!!

You're really funny.

Melissa said...

OK, "criminal insanity face" made me guffaw loudly in the middle of the children's department of a public library. I think my bosses are seriously considering firing me right now.

You're fucking hilarious I love youuuu

Millions Of Atoms Man said...

So when does "MattDamonCollage" go into production, and can I pre-order one?

Jen said...

I like that you have a "googling" face!

My bf often comes home after I've had a nice day off and asks what I did. More than often I respond, "duh, i googled stuff". And some days, that pretty much all I do. And I make a similar face. It expresses, "Wow, that's so interesting, I had no idea!"

Vintage Christine said...

I made a collage of Dubya and I sure the f**k didn't (don't) (never will in a million years) like HIM. But then of course I put it on corkboard and threw darts at it and then recently put it on the burn pile and little pieces of George Bush went wafting into the atmosphere. Next up: British Petroleum.

RMb said...

hahahaha, "the seven stages" are pretty hilarious.

Georgina said...

When I was 10, my collage was made up of pictures of Olivia Newton-John. I used to sing Xanadu in front of the mirror with a hairbrush and I made all my Barbies wear hotpants a la Sandy from GREASE. You're right, it is kinda humbling thinking about what a dork I was. - G
PS: Can I download your collage for my Twitter wallpaper? Just kidding. Sorta.

nikki said...

THE TICK!!!!!!!

Also, I laughed out loud about every third word in this post. You made my fucking day.

Because I'm super pathetic, my screen saver at work is a collection of pictures of James Marsters. It's like a version of your Affleck collage. Only a way cooler actor.

Kylee said...

Google face is my personal favorite.

I love the heart and brain diagram, its so scientific and life like.

P.S. Also I found a transformers mask in my brothers room yesterday I put it on, but i def didn't look as cool as you. Then I realized I'm 23 years old standing in my 4 year old brothers room playing with his toys.

Alison said...

The Affleckollage reminds me of Helga's shrine in Hey, Arnold.

Please tell me you don't have a life-sized sculpture of Affleck hidden in that closet!

Amber said...

No One Reads the Copy: When I first read your comment, I thought you'd written "Billy Joel" and was wondering how you were able to find enough pictures of the piano man to make a collage. But I fully understand Billy Joe. That guy's cool and from Berkeley which makes him cooler.

Melissa: Thanks. I'm going to have to admit that my "criminal insanity face" is actually my everyday, walking around town face.

Millions of Atoms: The Matt Damon collage will probably be constructed when I'm in a retirement home, suffering from dementia...so next week.

Jen: I think that everyone has the google face. It's a product of these modern times that we're living in.

Vintage Christine: As terrified as I am of Affleckolage, I don't think that I'd ever be able to turn it into a dart board.

Georgina: If i were to make a collage of anyone from Grease it would be Jeff Conaway. That guy was hot. And feel free to use Affleckollage in any way you like.

Nikki: Yes, the tick! I knew you wouldn't let me down. And double yes, James Marsters is definitely a way cooler actor.

Kylee: Thanks! And I think that you need to embrace your inner 4-year-old. Steal that Transformer helmet from your brother.

Alison: Ha, there is a little bit of a Helga Pataki element to the Affleckollage. As far as the life-sized sculpture goes...well...

Megs said...

So, I almost lost all respect for you because at first I thought it was because you LIKED Ben Affleck.

You redeemed yourself, however, in 3 ways:

1. Dude, I totally understand compulsion to do things that you don't even really understand. I, too, have made a collage of a celebrity I didn't even like. And I think its worse than yours.

2. That was the awesomest drawing of a heart defeating a brain ever. I laughed so hard I snorted.

3. I respect the Jenga master skills, even as I fear them.

RAY J said...

lol one of my roommates in college (when I lived in the dorms) and myself had a huge Johnny Depp collage on the back of our door, lol...

Heather Taylor said...

I have several disturbing compositions notebooks buried at the bottom of a bin in my closet at home with me writing "Mrs. Heather Depp" from when I had my crush on Johnny Depp in the 6th grade. I also have a collage I made of photos of him in Sleepy Hollow. Used to have it taped next to my bedstand (helped me go to sleep at night better than a nightlight).
Then again, I did have a crush on him so my painstakingly cutting on tiny images from Circuit City ads made sense.
I have never made a collage of someone I didn't like. However, I did have a dream once where Brad Pitt came to my school and kissed me on the hand and several years later, a more explicit dream where I made out with Seth Rogan. No crushes on either...subconscious desires?
I need a couch and a shrink. Or a Lucy in the Peanuts psychiatric booth. She's pretty much all I can afford right now.

Pana said...

I have never been much of an artist, but I go through these sudden encompassing phases where I am sure I need to draw (and let out my inner genius, natch). Usually this ends in mediocre to bad drawings, but one time when I was about 14 (and it was probably in the middle of the night, since that how I rolled) I suddenly felt compelled by a pencil and spent hours HOURS! creating what ended up being a pretty durn good reproduction of a photo on the cover of the magazine sitting nearest me.

The unfortunate part of this story is that the drawing was of Scott Weiland from the Stone Temple Pilots. Who I did not like. At all.

But I still kept the drawing for years.

Kara said...

I LOVE THE TICK!

I used to have an entire wall shrine pulled out of Tiger Beat and Bop above my bed in ms/hs. It mostly involved the cast of The Mighty Ducks and Newsies.

Then in college, my dorm door was covered in pics of Affleck and Johnny Rzeznik!

I hang my head in shame...

Lorelai said...

I had a Heath Ledger collage when I was but a young, dumb teenager. I loved him more than any person should love a celebrity. Oh, and I had a pretty decent Veronica Mars collage on my locker, but I was far, far older than I really should've been for that one.

Oh, and Ben Affleck looks GOOD in collage form, dammit.

Johana Hill said...

I'm kinda fond of Ben Affleck. When I was in my teens, I was collecting Tom Cruise's pictures. And now I hate him. Ugh.

Your closet looks messy! LOL But what are closets for? I have the habit of shoving everything I don't need in suitcases. Ha!

Nice drawings by the way! ;p

Amiee said...

Criminal insanity face was hilarious. And I'd send you wads of cash if I could!

Amber said...

Meg: (1) Who is the celebrity???!!! (2) Thank you (3) As you should.

Ray J: I actually had a collage of Adrien Brody on the front of my college dorm room door. And I didn't ask my roommate's permission.

Pana: I can totally relate to that story on a couple of levels. For art class we had to draw a picture of one of our classmates and I drew this awesome picture of my partner (she even wanted to take it home and give it to her mom) but it was so good that I had to keep it. I didn't really like the girl but I hung the picture up on my wall anyway. It was weird.

Heather: I think Johnny Depp is a perfectly acceptable crush and I think he would've felt honored to have your name next to his in those notebooks. The Seth Rogan dream is hilarious.

Kara: I'm glad you love The Tick, I love him too. I would love to have a collage of the cast from Newsies.

Lorelai: I think Heath Ledger is another perfectly acceptable celebrity crush. And I guess Affleck does look OK in collage form.

Johana: Apparently i'm fond of Ben Affleck as well, though subconsciously. And yeah, that closet is messy but the rest of the room isn't...mostly because cleaning=stuffing everything in the closet.

Amiee: Oh, you can send me wads of cash. And I don't mind if it's Australian money.

Missed Periods said...

It looks like Ben Affleck is going through the seven stages too:

The picture in which it looks like his bangs are frosted could be his criminaly insane pic and the one on the top right is definitely the constipation pic.

Trouble.Thinks said...

You are the funniest!
When you're ready to get ready of the Ben Affleck collage I'll take it!

Megs said...

Ahem. Kate Moss *cough*.

Something just possessed my body and forced me to do it. A temporary body snatching or maybe some sort of split personality.

Even if I was into chicks I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be my type.

alittleawesome said...

Haha, love that you made it, and love that you named it!

P.S. Your heart cheated. It has a bigger sword.

TabithaVenasse said...

Hahahahahaha. pure awesomeness!

Shinxy said...

I think you're spot on with the Google face.

Also, "I don't even know how to use toilets" cracked me up, and I'm not even entirely sure why.

Christina In Wonderland said...

First of all, this was quite possibly the most bad ass shameful post I've ever read in my life... and I've read a lot. We all have our shameful things. Mine is... well, you don't need to know mine now do you? DO YOU?

And that is a bad ass mamma jamma The Tick cartoonage. You are coolio. :P

Jerry said...

That is hilarious. I enjoyed the diagram of the fierce battle between heart and mind. Awesome Tick drawing as well!

Sadako said...

Once again, LOVE your pics/diagrams.

Also I always thought of you as more of a Matt Damon gal than a Ben Affleckaholic.

nikki said...

Award on my blog for you!

katrina kay said...

oh man your blog is just hilarious

Malcolm said...

Your Fibber McGee-like closet is quite impressive! Props for avoiding the catastrophe Fibber faced every time he opened his closet.

By the way, I loved the "Voyage of the Mimi" reference. I will say that Ben's impersonation of Keith Olbermann on SNL was awesome!

Sada said...

This just made my life. Obviously you can't use the Affleckollage as a dartboard--that requires too much prolonged eye contact. I think the only solution is to move.

aladdinsane12 said...

oh my god- that amazing! it's like when helga from "hey arnold" built a life-sized arnold head out of bubble gum!

Angie said...

VOYAGE OF THE MIMI! wwooowww!!! Watched it in school. Amazing.

Angie said...

PS - I had a binder in school covered in a MattMcConaughllage

Chicken said...

I am new to your blog. And oh sweet sassy molassey you are so random and I love it!

Copyboy said...

I really am blown away by your blog. post, art tick - everything is really F--ing creative.

Sammy V said...

Ben Affleck...that is too funny. Hey, I don't usually do the whole award thing, but I thought this one was pretty damn funny. I nominated you for it because your site is always good for a laugh. http://www.nextdoorcritic.com/2010/05/master-of-karate-and-friendship-award.html

Ally said...

OK I love you for this! Too funny. I didn't do this to my walls - my dad would have killed me and my closet was weirdly shaped... Instead, I created tons of lame-ass scrapbooks filled with snippets, notes, anything on my fave celeb of the moment. I love how you said there you are walking around town thinking you're all that and remember your ben collage. Ha ha, that's classic! Love it! So me!

angela said...

I made a collage for Kirk Cameron, and I didn't even like him. So, I get it.

Angie said...

Gave ya a shout out today for inspiring me with this post. :)

Margaret said...

I had a Katie Holmes one.

I'm a girl.

ASBLACKASOBAMA said...

You are fantastic! My wife used to have her walls covered with Gwen Stefani.... Not one open space.... She loved her though....

My favorite Ben Affleck fact....When Affleck and J. Lo. were dating and making Jersey Girl, Kevin Smith made them a stand-up arcade game called “Jen Saves Ben”. In the game, an animated Jennifer Lopez has to rescue a kidnapped Ben Affleck. The game apparently has tons of karate-kicks, a ray-gun toting Kevin Smith, an evil-robot Matt Damon, and the game's soundtrack is all J. Lo. songs....

Eleni said...

Hahaha, hilarious! I think you must be a little crazy. There's even a picture of him as a kid up there! (Though I do have some very fond memories of Voyage of the Mimi--I still get the theme song stuck in my head sometimes.) He went through the bad Gigli phase, but I think he's been slowly regaining his respectability.

Awesome drawings.

P.S. My word verification for this comment is "ungly" which I think should be a word. Not sure what it should mean. Maybe a cross between ugly and ungainly?