Thursday, January 7, 2010

She's Got the Urge to Herbal

When it comes to shampoo, I don’t care about dandruff control, follicle hydration, or color enhancement. All I ask is that, post-wash, my hair emit a glorious fruity aroma that bonds covalently to the oxygen molecules that surround me, creating a sort of orangey, lemony, strawberry-ey force field. There are plenty of wonderful smelling shampoos out there but the only one that has ever truly satisfied me, the only one that has ever been able to create the aforementioned fruity force field is Herbal Essences. Now, the shampoo I speak of does not come in the multicolored Herbal Essence bottles that sit on contemporary supermarket shelves. I am, of course, referring to Herbal Essences in its essentially herbal 1990s form. 

The 90s were a simpler time for the Herbal Essences people--a time of see-through bottles and orgasm commercials. But it seems that the company’s current fascination with giving idiotic names like “Tousle Me Softly” and “Long Term Relationship” to their vast array of shampoos and conditioners has distracted them from doing what they do best--namely, making my hair smell delicious. 

My attempt to find a replacement for their discontinued shampoo had been futile and for years I’d been foolishly hoping for a revival. But then one day the deity of awesome smelling hair finally answered my prayers. While walking around the local liquor store I spotted my beloved shampoo amongst a shelf of decade inappropriate, dust-covered sundries. I paid six dollars for it, which may seem a little excessive, but it was vintage and rare so I would have gladly paid twice that. 

A few weeks later, I went back to the liquor store to procure another bottle but apparently the shop owners had decided to switch from 1990s Herbal Essences to 1990s Suave. I managed to make my bottle last for four months. I’m down to my last glob of the stuff and I don’t know if I should use it or put the nearly empty bottle up on the shelf with all my old soccer and basketball trophies. 


nikki said...

I just wish shampoo could really give me an orgasm.

notthatkindofgirlblog said...

Oh man, I was just thinking about the awesome orgasm commercials the other day. Why in the world did they stop making them?! Your new formula sucks, Herbal Essences, and you don't give me any urges anymore.

Angie said...

Hahaha great poster! Urge to Herbal... hilarious.. my sis and I sing this song once in a while in a twisted weird inside joke that we have...

Sally-Sal said...

I feel that way about that Revlon "Outrageous" shampoo.

"Wanna smell my hair? It's outrageous!"

Richard @ The Bewildered Brit said...

I love, love, love this post!

"The 90s were a simpler time for the Herbal Essences people--a time of see-through bottles and orgasm commercials."

Is the best sentence I've read in ages! :D

My thoughts are with you during this shampoo catastrophe.

Or should that be: shampastrophe?

Amber said...

Nikki: You'd think with all the advances in science and whatnot, they'd have already developed the orgasm inducing shampoo.

NTKOG:They stopped making those commercials for the same reason they discontinued my shampoo: they don't want to make money.

Angie: You've definitely piqued my interest with this inside joke thing.

Sally-sal: You can buy a used bottle of it here. No need to thank me.

Richard: Thank you for your support.

Sadako said...

Insert the: ohhhh YES YES YES.

I kind of wish they had some. My hair never smells fruity or anything like that, the way that "hot girls" in books' hair always in "Prep," that one girl Aspeth Montgomery who had that sweet sort of nutty scent in her hair and Lee seemed a bit obsessive about that, and I'll stop rambling now.

Love that you found it in a liquor store, too!

Sally-Sal said...

You're badass, yo!

Just a little fyi, it's no Herbal Essences, but I nominated you for the bloggie thing. Maybe you could request a bottle, instead of an award?

Ally said...

I was never a fan of Herbal Essence. I'm not sure why. I loved Suave and Finesse as a kid. Today I have replaced my inexpensive simple shampoos with very pricey LUSH brand shampoos. Even though I'm broke it's worth it - it's the strongest smelling shampoo I could find. You can skip a day and still smell fresh! It's freaky and all-natural (I think)!

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