When it comes to shampoo, I don’t care about dandruff control, follicle hydration, or color enhancement. All I ask is that, post-wash, my hair emit a glorious fruity aroma that bonds covalently to the oxygen molecules that surround me, creating a sort of orangey, lemony, strawberry-ey force field. There are plenty of wonderful smelling shampoos out there but the only one that has ever truly satisfied me, the only one that has ever been able to create the aforementioned fruity force field is Herbal Essences. Now, the shampoo I speak of does not come in the multicolored Herbal Essence bottles that sit on contemporary supermarket shelves. I am, of course, referring to Herbal Essences in its essentially herbal 1990s form.
The 90s were a simpler time for the Herbal Essences people--a time of see-through bottles and orgasm commercials. But it seems that the company’s current fascination with giving idiotic names like “Tousle Me Softly” and “Long Term Relationship” to their vast array of shampoos and conditioners has distracted them from doing what they do best--namely, making my hair smell delicious.
My attempt to find a replacement for their discontinued shampoo had been futile and for years I’d been foolishly hoping for a revival. But then one day the deity of awesome smelling hair finally answered my prayers. While walking around the local liquor store I spotted my beloved shampoo amongst a shelf of decade inappropriate, dust-covered sundries. I paid six dollars for it, which may seem a little excessive, but it was vintage and rare so I would have gladly paid twice that.
A few weeks later, I went back to the liquor store to procure another bottle but apparently the shop owners had decided to switch from 1990s Herbal Essences to 1990s Suave. I managed to make my bottle last for four months. I’m down to my last glob of the stuff and I don’t know if I should use it or put the nearly empty bottle up on the shelf with all my old soccer and basketball trophies.