A (mostly) Comprehensive Guide to 90s Era Nickelodeon Gingers

I grew up in a culturally diverse area but I don't think that I actually conversed with anyone of the red-haired persuasion until I was in the 5th grade. It wasn't that I was some baby bigot, specializing in discrimination against the ginger-born; and I definitely wasn't afraid of them, despite the 90 minutes of parental negligence wherein I saw Child's Play, with its ginger antagonist, at the impressionable age of five years old. 


There just weren't any redheads around. 


Red hair is a recessive trait and only occurs in something like 6% of the American population. So, statistically, it makes sense that, growing up, the only gingers in my life were Lestat--my tabby cat--and his successor Lestat II. (My mom was really into Anne Rice at the time.)


But, if you watched Nickelodeon in the 90s, you probably thought that not having red hair was anomalous. 


The inordinate number of carrot tops on these shows leads me to believe that this particular television network was pushing a ginger agenda--pro-red hair propaganda, was the order of the day. Some might be quick to associate this apparent exaltation of the oft-maligned group with the network's orange logo, while others might chalk it up to coincidence. I, on the other hand, liken it to affirmative action--Nickelodeon deliberately promoted follicle diversity. Because of their efforts, kids like me, living in regions of the country seemingly devoid of gingers, were able to understand that "hey, sometimes people have red hair and that's okay." In those days it was about demystification, it was about integration. They were breaking the hair color barrier, and for that, Nickelodeon, I salute you(r shorts)!

1. Bobby Budnick

Classification: Gingeris salute your shortius

Curly/Straight Locks: Straight, in form of 90s mullet

Freckles: Yes

Pale: Yes

Evil: More or less

His/Her Whole Deal: Chief bully of Camp Anawanna. Though mostly harmless, doles out "Awful Waffles" to the frailer campers and has been known to hoist the underpants of camp n00bs up the flagpole. His BFF/minion is named Donkeylips.

Ginger Stereotypes He/She Reinforces: Gingers are bullies. 

Ginger Stereotypes He/She Breaks: Gingers are undesirable. Was able to woo Dina Alexander, the most popular girl in camp. 

2. Ferguson Darling

Classification: Gingeris clarissa explains it allius

Curly/Straight Locks: Straight, in form of clean-cut, pre-teen Republican  

Freckles: Yes

Pale: Quite

Evil: Fairly

His/Her Whole Deal: Obnoxious younger sibling of fourth-wall-breaking fashion prodigy, Clarissa Darling. Subscribes to the Alex P. Keaton school of "my parents were hippies, so, in defiance of their liberal ideals, I shall become a shallow, preppy, power-hungry, adolescent capitalist." 

Ginger Stereotype He/She Reinforces: Gingers are wicked.

Ginger Stereotype He/She Breaks: Gingers are more libidinous than the rest of us. No libido to speak of.

3. Chuckie Finster

Classification: Gingeris rugrata

Curly/Straight Locks: Both, in form of Yahoo Serious

Freckles: Yes

Pale: It's all relative

Evil: Not at all

His/Her Whole Deal: Timid, nearsighted pal of Tommy Pickles (who was basically the Bear Grylls of babies). Raised by equally timid single father Chaz (also ginger), Chuckie is especially afraid of clowns and "the guy on the oatmeal box."

Ginger Stereotype He/She Reinforces: Gingers are nerdy, weak, and nasally.

Ginger Stereotype He/She Breaks: Gingers have tempers as fiery as their hair. Chuckie is rather sweet.

4. Judy Funnie

Classification: Gingeris douglus

Curly/Straight Locks: Straight, in form of proto-hipster

Freckles: No

Pale: No

Evil: More pretentious than evil

His/Her Whole Deal: Beret-loving older sister of Doug Funnie. Goes to art school. Wears sunglasses indoors. Is this because she's a stoner or because she's trying to hide her lack of eyeballs? The world may never know.

Ginger Stereotype He/She Reinforces: Ginger females are sexy.

Ginger Stereotype He/She Breaks: Gingers are pale. (Of course, there's no way of knowing, since so much about Judy is shrouded in mystery, but I have a feeling that when it comes to her hair, the carpet doesn't match the Venetian blinds, if you catch my drift.)

5. Eugene Horowitz

Classification: Gingeris hey arnoldae

Curly/Straight Locks: Curly, in form of Jewish Afro

Freckles: Yes. In fact, has freckles on the back of his head.

Pale: Not really.

Evil: Except for the day that he "went bad," he is exceptionally good.

His/Her Whole Deal: Arnold's nerdy buddy. Aside from just generally being unlucky, Eugene also had the misfortune to be born with the most obscenely phallic head ever.

Ginger Stereotype He/She Reinforces: Gingers wear socks with flip-flops.

Ginger Stereotype He/She Breaks: Gingers don't have phallic heads.

6. Roger Klotz

Classification: Gingeris douglus

Curly/Straight Locks: Curly, in form of bacon

Freckles: Since I don't believe that anyone would shave their hair in such a ridiculous fashion, I'm assuming that those dots above his ears are sideburn freckles.

Pale: Yellow

Evil: Yes

His/Her Whole Deal: Bluffington's resident juvenile delinquent, Roger torments Doug Funnie and his crew. Has a crush on fellow ginger, Judy Funnie. Also, has flat butt and weird shoes.

Ginger Stereotype He/She Reinforces: Gingers are bullies.

Ginger Stereotype He/She Breaks: Gingers are insecure about their hair. With those shoes, Roger is obviously more insecure about his height.

7. Robyn Russo

Classification: Gingeris alex mackias

Curly/Straight Locks: Straight, in form of quintessential 90s girl

Freckles: Yup

Pale: Yep

Evil: Nope

His/Her Whole Deal: Alex Mack's sarcastic friend. Insecure despite being a paragon of 90s beauty--perfect, over-tweezed eyebrows, dark lip liner, choker, etc.

Ginger Stereotypes He/She Reinforces: Gingers are outcasts. Somehow even more awkward than gangly Alex Mack.

Ginger Stereotype He/She Breaks: Gingers are soulless. May actually have too much soul, which might explain why she's so down on herself. 

8. Big Pete Wrigley

Classification: Gingeris adventurus peteris

Curly/Straight Locks: Straight, in form of wholesome suburban boy

Freckles: Indeed

Pale: Yeah

Evil: No

His/Her Whole Deal: Perceptive junior high school student who shares his name with his younger brother. In spite of his mellow demeanor, has a remarkable number of enemies, including "Endless" Mike Hellstrom, Hat Head, and Open-Face. Plays the trombone in the marching band. Prone to narration. 

Ginger Stereotypes He/She Reinforces: Gingers are eerily omniscient with the ability to describe everything that happens to everyone around town.

Ginger Stereotypes He/She Breaks: Gingers aren't cute. He's adorable. Just ask Ellen Hickle.

9. Little Pete Wrigley

Classification: Gingeris adventurus peteris

Curly/Straight Locks: Straight, in form of little creep

Freckles: So many that face is practically one giant freckle.

Pale: Perhaps under the freckles.

Evil: Has his moments

His/Her Whole Deal: Grimy younger brother of Big Pete Wrigley. Has his own personal superhero. Also probably has his own personal hair lice. While his older brother is grounded and rational, little Pete is mentally unbalanced. Sticks cereal up his nose.

Ginger Stereotypes He/She Reinforces: Gingers are mischievous/have things in common with Satan. 

Ginger Stereotypes He/She Breaks: N/A. Little Pete is part of the reason why gingers have such a bad rep. 

In Which We Deal With Our Zits

Remember the time Doug Funnie got that huge zit, right before Beebe Bluff's big party?

Or the time that Angela Chase got a zit that was actually a metaphor for 90s teen insecurity and angst and flannel shirts and overalls or something?

Or when Zack and Screech started peddling that zit cream that had the unfortunate side effect of turning skin maroon, then Kelly Kapowski unwittingly rubbed the stuff all over her face--even though she only had one tiny, imperceptible blemish on the tip of her nose--so her entire face turned maroon, which maybe wouldn't have been such a horrible thing for her if she weren't (a) totally narcissistic and (b) in the running for homecoming queen; but because she was so transcendently gorgeous and popular, and also because maroon just happened to be one of Bayside High's school colors, she won anyway?

Or what about the time that Amber got that monster zit on her cheek and a week later it was still there, claiming squatter's rights?

Since I went through a bizarre second-puberty about a year and a half ago, where my face would breakout frequently and thoroughly (not one of those Proactiv-celebrity testimonial-non-breakout-breakouts, but legit breakouts), I'm not really sweating one pimple. But I think people, self included, just naturally tend toward Angela Chase-esque globalization when it comes to skin issues. All pimples suck, but what I've learned over the years, is that some pimples are worse than others.

(5) Chin Zit (aka "the meh..."): You might think it's devastating, but if you have a pimple on your chin, I'm probably not going to even notice it. So, don't fret. I used to get these giant, planet-sized bumps on my chin, and never once did that deter a homeless guy from hitting on me. 


(4) Middle of the Forehead Zit (aka "the Bull's Eye," aka "the Bindi," aka "the Third Eye," aka "the Fifth Eye if You're Wearing Glasses"): The car wreck of zits, it's impossible for passersby to not look. This centrally located pimple is so hypnotic, captivating, and charismatic that it could start it's own cult and gain a large, devoted following. Fortunately, you can always cut some bangs to obscure your hypno-zit if you're too embarrassed/want to prevent the pimple from indoctrinating the impressionable masses. But beware, if you cut your own bangs ("fringe" if you're British), you will almost certainly look insane. So think it over and weigh your options. 


(3) Cheek Zit (aka "the Chimple"): The cheeks, to me, are the cutest part of the head. If you're talking to me and you have chubby cheeks, then I'm not listening to anything you're saying, I'm just trying to figure out a way to casually bite your adorable face. This is why it's so tragic to get a zit here. But seriously, in my experience, these suck because they take forever to heal. I had a constellation of pimples on my left cheek last year and I can still sort of see the spots. 


(2) Lip Zit (aka "the Herp"): One of the absolute worst places to get a pimple because (a) it looks like herpes simplex and (b) totally painful. 


(1) Tip of the Nose Zit (aka "the Rudolph" aka "the why me?" aka "the seriously?" aka "whatever"): This zit is so inescapable, so impossible to hide, so in your face and on your face, so cliche, so the worst place to get a zit, that it's actually the best place to get a zit. You don't have to wonder if everyone you see is staring at your honkin' honker pimple because they TOTALLY ARE. So just get over it, man. Make a self-deprecating joke and laugh about it. Tell people it's your parasitic twin and get on with your life. 


But if you are genuinely depressed about your complexion, and I've definitely been there, I hope that you can find some solace in the fact that one of the most awesome people to ever walk the earth--quite possibly the most awesome person to ever walk the earth--had some pretty serious acne as a youngster.

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Jerry O' Connell refuses to tell Harold about his delicious pepperoni zits:

The sequel:

The Great Christmas Specialpaloozorama : Part III

Of the three Christmas specials that I’ve watched thus far, Doug’s Christmas Story is by far the most subversive. Well, perhaps “subversive” isn’t quite right but it’s definitely kind of political—something that I’m sure I didn’t detect when I was nine or ten or whatever.

So, Porkchop—that’s Doug’s dog for the uninitiated—is accused of biting Beebe Bluff—the town’s rich bitch (Really, he latched onto her leg in an attempt to prevent her from skating across thin ice.) As I’m sure you’ve guessed, everything works out for Doug and Porkchop in the end but before Doug’s Christmas Story reaches its inevitable conclusion, Mayor White—Bluffington’s inexplicably Southern, former mayor and host of a conservative Rush Limbaugh-esque radio talk show—launches this crusade against poor, anthropomorphized Porkchop. 




He says that he’s trying to uphold morals and values and that he wants to protect little girls from dog maulings, but it’s all just political posturing. Because Mayor White is so blatantly bad—and tan—it would seem that Doug’s Christmas Story is promoting liberalism whilst promoting holiday cheer.