Vintage Amber: The AT&T commercial that bore absolutely no resemblance to life as I knew it in the mid to late 90s

This was one of my favorite commercials when I was in high school because it depicted my romantic ideal as well as my technological ideal. 

As I've mentioned before, (non homeless/non elderly) guys didn't show any interest in me until I was in my 20s, so the back and forth between Larisa Oleynik and her romeo--with his perfect '90s-boy center-part--was totally foreign and almost unfathomable to me. I didn't get the internet or a halfway decent computer until I was a sophomore in high school, so all of the technology in this commercial seemed very futuristic and confusing. Though I now have a boyfriend and a pretty sweet MacBook, I still have some trouble relating to/understanding this commercial.

So maybe things are different when you're younger (or super cute), but as an adult, if I were to send a guy an "I miss you soooo much" email right after seeing him not only would he not email me back but he would never talk to me again. Also, this font is soooo large. Is this what all emails looked like in the '90s? 

I like that their font choice correlates to their gender. Hers is cursivey and girly while his is bold and masculine. I'm glad that we've made so much progress when it comes to fonts and gender roles.  

I don't think I could pull this off. Wait, let me try.

I was wrong. Nailed it.

 Is this a scanner? A fax machine? Do fax machines work like scanners? I actually think this commercial would be very erotic if they were just faxing each other all night long.  

What is this face? I think that he thought that he was going to get a naked pic. I do remember hearing that email in the olden days was primarily used for sending naked pics.

Did computer screens used to go black right after you sent an email (by pressing the "send email" key)? 

So this is what guys like. I'm starting to understand why I failed so horribly with the opposite sex. 

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A (mostly) Comprehensive Guide to 90s Era Nickelodeon Gingers

I grew up in a culturally diverse area but I don't think that I actually conversed with anyone of the red-haired persuasion until I was in the 5th grade. It wasn't that I was some baby bigot, specializing in discrimination against the ginger-born; and I definitely wasn't afraid of them, despite the 90 minutes of parental negligence wherein I saw Child's Play, with its ginger antagonist, at the impressionable age of five years old. 


There just weren't any redheads around. 


Red hair is a recessive trait and only occurs in something like 6% of the American population. So, statistically, it makes sense that, growing up, the only gingers in my life were Lestat--my tabby cat--and his successor Lestat II. (My mom was really into Anne Rice at the time.)


But, if you watched Nickelodeon in the 90s, you probably thought that not having red hair was anomalous. 


The inordinate number of carrot tops on these shows leads me to believe that this particular television network was pushing a ginger agenda--pro-red hair propaganda, was the order of the day. Some might be quick to associate this apparent exaltation of the oft-maligned group with the network's orange logo, while others might chalk it up to coincidence. I, on the other hand, liken it to affirmative action--Nickelodeon deliberately promoted follicle diversity. Because of their efforts, kids like me, living in regions of the country seemingly devoid of gingers, were able to understand that "hey, sometimes people have red hair and that's okay." In those days it was about demystification, it was about integration. They were breaking the hair color barrier, and for that, Nickelodeon, I salute you(r shorts)!

1. Bobby Budnick

Classification: Gingeris salute your shortius

Curly/Straight Locks: Straight, in form of 90s mullet

Freckles: Yes

Pale: Yes

Evil: More or less

His/Her Whole Deal: Chief bully of Camp Anawanna. Though mostly harmless, doles out "Awful Waffles" to the frailer campers and has been known to hoist the underpants of camp n00bs up the flagpole. His BFF/minion is named Donkeylips.

Ginger Stereotypes He/She Reinforces: Gingers are bullies. 

Ginger Stereotypes He/She Breaks: Gingers are undesirable. Was able to woo Dina Alexander, the most popular girl in camp. 

2. Ferguson Darling

Classification: Gingeris clarissa explains it allius

Curly/Straight Locks: Straight, in form of clean-cut, pre-teen Republican  

Freckles: Yes

Pale: Quite

Evil: Fairly

His/Her Whole Deal: Obnoxious younger sibling of fourth-wall-breaking fashion prodigy, Clarissa Darling. Subscribes to the Alex P. Keaton school of "my parents were hippies, so, in defiance of their liberal ideals, I shall become a shallow, preppy, power-hungry, adolescent capitalist." 

Ginger Stereotype He/She Reinforces: Gingers are wicked.

Ginger Stereotype He/She Breaks: Gingers are more libidinous than the rest of us. No libido to speak of.

3. Chuckie Finster

Classification: Gingeris rugrata

Curly/Straight Locks: Both, in form of Yahoo Serious

Freckles: Yes

Pale: It's all relative

Evil: Not at all

His/Her Whole Deal: Timid, nearsighted pal of Tommy Pickles (who was basically the Bear Grylls of babies). Raised by equally timid single father Chaz (also ginger), Chuckie is especially afraid of clowns and "the guy on the oatmeal box."

Ginger Stereotype He/She Reinforces: Gingers are nerdy, weak, and nasally.

Ginger Stereotype He/She Breaks: Gingers have tempers as fiery as their hair. Chuckie is rather sweet.

4. Judy Funnie

Classification: Gingeris douglus

Curly/Straight Locks: Straight, in form of proto-hipster

Freckles: No

Pale: No

Evil: More pretentious than evil

His/Her Whole Deal: Beret-loving older sister of Doug Funnie. Goes to art school. Wears sunglasses indoors. Is this because she's a stoner or because she's trying to hide her lack of eyeballs? The world may never know.

Ginger Stereotype He/She Reinforces: Ginger females are sexy.

Ginger Stereotype He/She Breaks: Gingers are pale. (Of course, there's no way of knowing, since so much about Judy is shrouded in mystery, but I have a feeling that when it comes to her hair, the carpet doesn't match the Venetian blinds, if you catch my drift.)

5. Eugene Horowitz

Classification: Gingeris hey arnoldae

Curly/Straight Locks: Curly, in form of Jewish Afro

Freckles: Yes. In fact, has freckles on the back of his head.

Pale: Not really.

Evil: Except for the day that he "went bad," he is exceptionally good.

His/Her Whole Deal: Arnold's nerdy buddy. Aside from just generally being unlucky, Eugene also had the misfortune to be born with the most obscenely phallic head ever.

Ginger Stereotype He/She Reinforces: Gingers wear socks with flip-flops.

Ginger Stereotype He/She Breaks: Gingers don't have phallic heads.

6. Roger Klotz

Classification: Gingeris douglus

Curly/Straight Locks: Curly, in form of bacon

Freckles: Since I don't believe that anyone would shave their hair in such a ridiculous fashion, I'm assuming that those dots above his ears are sideburn freckles.

Pale: Yellow

Evil: Yes

His/Her Whole Deal: Bluffington's resident juvenile delinquent, Roger torments Doug Funnie and his crew. Has a crush on fellow ginger, Judy Funnie. Also, has flat butt and weird shoes.

Ginger Stereotype He/She Reinforces: Gingers are bullies.

Ginger Stereotype He/She Breaks: Gingers are insecure about their hair. With those shoes, Roger is obviously more insecure about his height.

7. Robyn Russo

Classification: Gingeris alex mackias

Curly/Straight Locks: Straight, in form of quintessential 90s girl

Freckles: Yup

Pale: Yep

Evil: Nope

His/Her Whole Deal: Alex Mack's sarcastic friend. Insecure despite being a paragon of 90s beauty--perfect, over-tweezed eyebrows, dark lip liner, choker, etc.

Ginger Stereotypes He/She Reinforces: Gingers are outcasts. Somehow even more awkward than gangly Alex Mack.

Ginger Stereotype He/She Breaks: Gingers are soulless. May actually have too much soul, which might explain why she's so down on herself. 

8. Big Pete Wrigley

Classification: Gingeris adventurus peteris

Curly/Straight Locks: Straight, in form of wholesome suburban boy

Freckles: Indeed

Pale: Yeah

Evil: No

His/Her Whole Deal: Perceptive junior high school student who shares his name with his younger brother. In spite of his mellow demeanor, has a remarkable number of enemies, including "Endless" Mike Hellstrom, Hat Head, and Open-Face. Plays the trombone in the marching band. Prone to narration. 

Ginger Stereotypes He/She Reinforces: Gingers are eerily omniscient with the ability to describe everything that happens to everyone around town.

Ginger Stereotypes He/She Breaks: Gingers aren't cute. He's adorable. Just ask Ellen Hickle.

9. Little Pete Wrigley

Classification: Gingeris adventurus peteris

Curly/Straight Locks: Straight, in form of little creep

Freckles: So many that face is practically one giant freckle.

Pale: Perhaps under the freckles.

Evil: Has his moments

His/Her Whole Deal: Grimy younger brother of Big Pete Wrigley. Has his own personal superhero. Also probably has his own personal hair lice. While his older brother is grounded and rational, little Pete is mentally unbalanced. Sticks cereal up his nose.

Ginger Stereotypes He/She Reinforces: Gingers are mischievous/have things in common with Satan. 

Ginger Stereotypes He/She Breaks: N/A. Little Pete is part of the reason why gingers have such a bad rep. 

The three girls that middle school boys were into during the mid-90s AKA The three girls I hated during the mid-90s AKA The three girls I desperately wanted to be during the mid-90s

I preferred Topanga during the first season of Boy Meets World. You know, when she was super into metaphysics and crimped hair. (That shift from loony to normal at the start of the second season was never explained to my satisfaction). But it wasn't until the BMW gang started high school that Cory Matthews began to see her as fodder for his wet dreams/the kind of girl he could eventually marry, stifle, prevent from attending Yale, etc. 


What was so great about Topanga? Well, initially, I think it was that prodigious mass of hair on her head.

Because even though she had those pouty lips, that hair was kind of extraordinary. (I can only assume that--like Alec Baldwin--she was injecting steroids into her hair follicles while subsisting primarily on a diet of Mane 'n Tail.) But as the character aged, I think the main draw was her chest. Which was huge. She had big boobs.

During the first couple of seasons of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Ashley was just Will Smith's impressionable little cousin and kind of faded into the background. Sure, she was cute, and every once and a while Tevin Campbell would sing to her or whatever, but no one was really pining after to her.

But then she turned 15 or 16 and became this mega hot chick--10 times hotter than her sister Hilary, who I think was supposed to be the hot chick. I erroneously believed that I'd undergo a similar transformation when I entered high school.

 Even though, I always wanted to have hair like hers, the thing I was most jealous about, when it came to Ashley Banks, was that she--well Tatyana Ali--was dating Jonathan Brandis! I still remember how inconsolable everyone was when that news broke--I'd liken it to the day that JFK was shot. 

Since The Secret World of Alex Mack aired on Nickelodeon, Alex had to have a higher caliber, cable network-worthy kind of cuteness. And because of that, she's the mid-90s teen girl that men my age really seem to carry a torch for. She was a total tomboy with no boobs to speak of but still, supremely adorable.

In the first episode of the show, a top secret chemical (GC-161) was dumped all over her, giving her the ability to turn into a puddle--a power that was far more useful than you'd think--and even in liquid form, she was totally cute.

Any jealousy I might harbor is superseded by awe--she had the absolute best 90s wardrobe.

I wanted to be this girl when I was 12 and I still want to be this girl at 27.

Tatyana Ali photos [via]