A (mostly) Comprehensive Guide to 90s Era Nickelodeon Gingers

I grew up in a culturally diverse area but I don't think that I actually conversed with anyone of the red-haired persuasion until I was in the 5th grade. It wasn't that I was some baby bigot, specializing in discrimination against the ginger-born; and I definitely wasn't afraid of them, despite the 90 minutes of parental negligence wherein I saw Child's Play, with its ginger antagonist, at the impressionable age of five years old. 


There just weren't any redheads around. 


Red hair is a recessive trait and only occurs in something like 6% of the American population. So, statistically, it makes sense that, growing up, the only gingers in my life were Lestat--my tabby cat--and his successor Lestat II. (My mom was really into Anne Rice at the time.)


But, if you watched Nickelodeon in the 90s, you probably thought that not having red hair was anomalous. 


The inordinate number of carrot tops on these shows leads me to believe that this particular television network was pushing a ginger agenda--pro-red hair propaganda, was the order of the day. Some might be quick to associate this apparent exaltation of the oft-maligned group with the network's orange logo, while others might chalk it up to coincidence. I, on the other hand, liken it to affirmative action--Nickelodeon deliberately promoted follicle diversity. Because of their efforts, kids like me, living in regions of the country seemingly devoid of gingers, were able to understand that "hey, sometimes people have red hair and that's okay." In those days it was about demystification, it was about integration. They were breaking the hair color barrier, and for that, Nickelodeon, I salute you(r shorts)!

1. Bobby Budnick

Classification: Gingeris salute your shortius

Curly/Straight Locks: Straight, in form of 90s mullet

Freckles: Yes

Pale: Yes

Evil: More or less

His/Her Whole Deal: Chief bully of Camp Anawanna. Though mostly harmless, doles out "Awful Waffles" to the frailer campers and has been known to hoist the underpants of camp n00bs up the flagpole. His BFF/minion is named Donkeylips.

Ginger Stereotypes He/She Reinforces: Gingers are bullies. 

Ginger Stereotypes He/She Breaks: Gingers are undesirable. Was able to woo Dina Alexander, the most popular girl in camp. 

2. Ferguson Darling

Classification: Gingeris clarissa explains it allius

Curly/Straight Locks: Straight, in form of clean-cut, pre-teen Republican  

Freckles: Yes

Pale: Quite

Evil: Fairly

His/Her Whole Deal: Obnoxious younger sibling of fourth-wall-breaking fashion prodigy, Clarissa Darling. Subscribes to the Alex P. Keaton school of "my parents were hippies, so, in defiance of their liberal ideals, I shall become a shallow, preppy, power-hungry, adolescent capitalist." 

Ginger Stereotype He/She Reinforces: Gingers are wicked.

Ginger Stereotype He/She Breaks: Gingers are more libidinous than the rest of us. No libido to speak of.

3. Chuckie Finster

Classification: Gingeris rugrata

Curly/Straight Locks: Both, in form of Yahoo Serious

Freckles: Yes

Pale: It's all relative

Evil: Not at all

His/Her Whole Deal: Timid, nearsighted pal of Tommy Pickles (who was basically the Bear Grylls of babies). Raised by equally timid single father Chaz (also ginger), Chuckie is especially afraid of clowns and "the guy on the oatmeal box."

Ginger Stereotype He/She Reinforces: Gingers are nerdy, weak, and nasally.

Ginger Stereotype He/She Breaks: Gingers have tempers as fiery as their hair. Chuckie is rather sweet.

4. Judy Funnie

Classification: Gingeris douglus

Curly/Straight Locks: Straight, in form of proto-hipster

Freckles: No

Pale: No

Evil: More pretentious than evil

His/Her Whole Deal: Beret-loving older sister of Doug Funnie. Goes to art school. Wears sunglasses indoors. Is this because she's a stoner or because she's trying to hide her lack of eyeballs? The world may never know.

Ginger Stereotype He/She Reinforces: Ginger females are sexy.

Ginger Stereotype He/She Breaks: Gingers are pale. (Of course, there's no way of knowing, since so much about Judy is shrouded in mystery, but I have a feeling that when it comes to her hair, the carpet doesn't match the Venetian blinds, if you catch my drift.)

5. Eugene Horowitz

Classification: Gingeris hey arnoldae

Curly/Straight Locks: Curly, in form of Jewish Afro

Freckles: Yes. In fact, has freckles on the back of his head.

Pale: Not really.

Evil: Except for the day that he "went bad," he is exceptionally good.

His/Her Whole Deal: Arnold's nerdy buddy. Aside from just generally being unlucky, Eugene also had the misfortune to be born with the most obscenely phallic head ever.

Ginger Stereotype He/She Reinforces: Gingers wear socks with flip-flops.

Ginger Stereotype He/She Breaks: Gingers don't have phallic heads.

6. Roger Klotz

Classification: Gingeris douglus

Curly/Straight Locks: Curly, in form of bacon

Freckles: Since I don't believe that anyone would shave their hair in such a ridiculous fashion, I'm assuming that those dots above his ears are sideburn freckles.

Pale: Yellow

Evil: Yes

His/Her Whole Deal: Bluffington's resident juvenile delinquent, Roger torments Doug Funnie and his crew. Has a crush on fellow ginger, Judy Funnie. Also, has flat butt and weird shoes.

Ginger Stereotype He/She Reinforces: Gingers are bullies.

Ginger Stereotype He/She Breaks: Gingers are insecure about their hair. With those shoes, Roger is obviously more insecure about his height.

7. Robyn Russo

Classification: Gingeris alex mackias

Curly/Straight Locks: Straight, in form of quintessential 90s girl

Freckles: Yup

Pale: Yep

Evil: Nope

His/Her Whole Deal: Alex Mack's sarcastic friend. Insecure despite being a paragon of 90s beauty--perfect, over-tweezed eyebrows, dark lip liner, choker, etc.

Ginger Stereotypes He/She Reinforces: Gingers are outcasts. Somehow even more awkward than gangly Alex Mack.

Ginger Stereotype He/She Breaks: Gingers are soulless. May actually have too much soul, which might explain why she's so down on herself. 

8. Big Pete Wrigley

Classification: Gingeris adventurus peteris

Curly/Straight Locks: Straight, in form of wholesome suburban boy

Freckles: Indeed

Pale: Yeah

Evil: No

His/Her Whole Deal: Perceptive junior high school student who shares his name with his younger brother. In spite of his mellow demeanor, has a remarkable number of enemies, including "Endless" Mike Hellstrom, Hat Head, and Open-Face. Plays the trombone in the marching band. Prone to narration. 

Ginger Stereotypes He/She Reinforces: Gingers are eerily omniscient with the ability to describe everything that happens to everyone around town.

Ginger Stereotypes He/She Breaks: Gingers aren't cute. He's adorable. Just ask Ellen Hickle.

9. Little Pete Wrigley

Classification: Gingeris adventurus peteris

Curly/Straight Locks: Straight, in form of little creep

Freckles: So many that face is practically one giant freckle.

Pale: Perhaps under the freckles.

Evil: Has his moments

His/Her Whole Deal: Grimy younger brother of Big Pete Wrigley. Has his own personal superhero. Also probably has his own personal hair lice. While his older brother is grounded and rational, little Pete is mentally unbalanced. Sticks cereal up his nose.

Ginger Stereotypes He/She Reinforces: Gingers are mischievous/have things in common with Satan. 

Ginger Stereotypes He/She Breaks: N/A. Little Pete is part of the reason why gingers have such a bad rep. 

Sam Explains It All: Unsung Fashion Highlights from a Beloved Nickelodeon Show

I still remember the chilly, second-grade morn when I fearlessly wore my first Clarissa Darling inspired outfit--a pair of pink tights under some cut-offs that (much to my mother's dismay) I'd made the night before. Sadly, Clarissa's brazen style--her vests, headbands, green Dr. Martens, floral leggings, lobster earrings, etc.--were so over the top, that the sartorial genius of Sam (Clarissa's platonic bestie) was almost entirely overlooked...

until now. 

1. Neon Father-Son Bonding Surfer Ensemble

On a whim, Sam's single father decides to take him surfing. Being the well-adjusted child of divorce that he is, Sam not only indulges his dad, he dresses the part--adopting the style of a 1990s-beach bum-fanny pack-enthusiast.

Note the shock of gelled-up hair protruding from his neon green backwards baseball cap. This is no accident, my friends. Sam always knew how to maximize his sexy. While most people would have paired those pink shorts with a solid colored top, Sam subverts expectations and flouts social mores by wearing a tie-dyed shirt.

2. 90s Pirate Ensemble

Ah, the 90s! A time when you could go to your local, suburban department store and find a pair of striped harem pants. Can't you just see Johnny Depp, circa now, wearing something like this while chilling with the fam in the South of France? And then John Mayer wearing it in an embarrassing attempt to look like Johnny Depp? This outfit shouldn't work but for some reason it does. As a hardcore bandanna proponent, I applaud Sam's choice of cranial accessory.  

3. Carrot Frenzy Shirt

I think Sam wore this shirt, which reads, "Carrot Frenzy," in deference to red-haired Ferguson. Honestly, I don't know what a Carrot Frenzy is (a drug-fueled veggie binge? a song by The Presidents of the United States of America?) but there's something kind of esoteric about the shirt, and I'm into that. I don't know that I'd be able to pull off something like this with as much panache.

4. Futuristic Coach Potato Shirt Ensemble

How is this futuristic, you ask. Well, this episode of Clarissa Explains It All probably aired around 1992...HOWEVER...the baggy shorts-calf-high socks combo is an authentic 1997 look (See Blink 182).

The "Couch Potato Shirt" is also somewhat futuristic in that it foreshadows our current century's obsession with ironic graphic tees. Sam was so incredibly fashion forward, right? I look at these pictures and wonder how Clarissa was able to resist him. I mean, he's sitting right there, on her bed, wearing the couch potato shirt, and she was somehow able to not make out with him. 

5. The My-My-My Music Hits Me So Hard Makes Me Say Oh My Lord Thank You For Blessing Me With A Mind To Rhyme And Two Hype Feet Ensemble

Words fail me. But I guess if I had to say something it'd be...move, slide your rump, just for a minute let's all do the bump, bump, bump, bump...yeeaaaaaaaaaah.

6. The Amber Ensemble

This outfit might not be noteworthy if it weren't for the fact that I was dressed exactly like this a couple of days ago--Batman shirt, cuffed blue jeans, friendship bracelet, etc. And yes, at the time, I was climbing up a ladder on my way into my neighbor's bedroom. Yes, a little guitar riff could be heard as I hopped through the window. No, I'm not BFFs with my neighbor, nor do I technically know her. But I strive to live life as Sam would, and I'm not going to let a little thing like "breaking and entering" stand in the way of that.  

7. Proto-Hipster Geek Ensemble

Nowadays, it isn't uncommon to wear your geekdom on your sleeve. But this wasn't always the case. In my humble, Trek-loving opinion this is the coolest thing that Sam, or anyone on the show, ever wore.

...although, I'd kill for this watch...

...and those brontosaurus earrings aren't too shabby either.

90s TV Show Valentines for You and Yours

Valentine's Day Anecdote: When I was in 6th grade, one of my teachers had us make construction paper-crayon-safety scissor valentines. Everyone was supposed to make a valentine for one other person in the class. My friends paired up, but I guess there was an odd number of kids, because I didn't have a partner. No one seemed to notice or care. I spent the entire class period begrudgingly making a valentine, while hoping that all of my "friends" would drop dead and subsequently burn in the eternal fires of hell. I was also trying to stifle my tears, and was doing a good job of it, until everyone exchanged valentines. Naturally, I broke down. Everyone was standing in the hallway by this time, and a bunch of girls from my class came up to me, wanting to know what was wrong. I told them that no one made a valentine for me. After hearing this, some of them ran back into the classroom and jerry-rigged a crude valentine out of scraps of paper. In retrospect, I suppose this was sort of sweet. But, at the time, I thought it was total bullshit, and I threw that thing away. My teacher must have seen me crying because I ended up having to go to this group for emo, "at-risk" girls, led by the school counselor every week.


I've made these 90s TV show valentines for you to share with the people you care about, in the hopes that no one you love will have to go through what I went through all those years ago. 

Roseanne

Full House

My So-Called Life

Friends

Dawson's Creek

The Nanny

Martin

Star Trek: The Next Generation

Clarissa Explains It All

Boy Meets World