In Which We Deal With Our Zits

Remember the time Doug Funnie got that huge zit, right before Beebe Bluff's big party?

Or the time that Angela Chase got a zit that was actually a metaphor for 90s teen insecurity and angst and flannel shirts and overalls or something?

Or when Zack and Screech started peddling that zit cream that had the unfortunate side effect of turning skin maroon, then Kelly Kapowski unwittingly rubbed the stuff all over her face--even though she only had one tiny, imperceptible blemish on the tip of her nose--so her entire face turned maroon, which maybe wouldn't have been such a horrible thing for her if she weren't (a) totally narcissistic and (b) in the running for homecoming queen; but because she was so transcendently gorgeous and popular, and also because maroon just happened to be one of Bayside High's school colors, she won anyway?

Or what about the time that Amber got that monster zit on her cheek and a week later it was still there, claiming squatter's rights?

Since I went through a bizarre second-puberty about a year and a half ago, where my face would breakout frequently and thoroughly (not one of those Proactiv-celebrity testimonial-non-breakout-breakouts, but legit breakouts), I'm not really sweating one pimple. But I think people, self included, just naturally tend toward Angela Chase-esque globalization when it comes to skin issues. All pimples suck, but what I've learned over the years, is that some pimples are worse than others.

(5) Chin Zit (aka "the meh..."): You might think it's devastating, but if you have a pimple on your chin, I'm probably not going to even notice it. So, don't fret. I used to get these giant, planet-sized bumps on my chin, and never once did that deter a homeless guy from hitting on me. 


(4) Middle of the Forehead Zit (aka "the Bull's Eye," aka "the Bindi," aka "the Third Eye," aka "the Fifth Eye if You're Wearing Glasses"): The car wreck of zits, it's impossible for passersby to not look. This centrally located pimple is so hypnotic, captivating, and charismatic that it could start it's own cult and gain a large, devoted following. Fortunately, you can always cut some bangs to obscure your hypno-zit if you're too embarrassed/want to prevent the pimple from indoctrinating the impressionable masses. But beware, if you cut your own bangs ("fringe" if you're British), you will almost certainly look insane. So think it over and weigh your options. 


(3) Cheek Zit (aka "the Chimple"): The cheeks, to me, are the cutest part of the head. If you're talking to me and you have chubby cheeks, then I'm not listening to anything you're saying, I'm just trying to figure out a way to casually bite your adorable face. This is why it's so tragic to get a zit here. But seriously, in my experience, these suck because they take forever to heal. I had a constellation of pimples on my left cheek last year and I can still sort of see the spots. 


(2) Lip Zit (aka "the Herp"): One of the absolute worst places to get a pimple because (a) it looks like herpes simplex and (b) totally painful. 


(1) Tip of the Nose Zit (aka "the Rudolph" aka "the why me?" aka "the seriously?" aka "whatever"): This zit is so inescapable, so impossible to hide, so in your face and on your face, so cliche, so the worst place to get a zit, that it's actually the best place to get a zit. You don't have to wonder if everyone you see is staring at your honkin' honker pimple because they TOTALLY ARE. So just get over it, man. Make a self-deprecating joke and laugh about it. Tell people it's your parasitic twin and get on with your life. 


But if you are genuinely depressed about your complexion, and I've definitely been there, I hope that you can find some solace in the fact that one of the most awesome people to ever walk the earth--quite possibly the most awesome person to ever walk the earth--had some pretty serious acne as a youngster.

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Jerry O' Connell refuses to tell Harold about his delicious pepperoni zits:

The sequel: