Monday, September 12, 2011

A Short List of Sweet Nothings That I Wish Jeff Goldblum Would Whisper Into My Ear

Jeff Goldblum speaks slowly, dramatically. He stutters in that way that bookish men sometimes do. Everything he says is peppered with pensive grunts and pregnant pauses. He stares, contemplatively, off into the middle distance. Sometimes, when we're lucky, he'll raise a finger to his bottom lip, thoughtfully.


Jeff Goldblum is, ah, perpetually...um, in the process of-of-of deducing something. He's also the guy you're gonna want to stand next to if you need to be close to someone with the absolute perfect amount of chest hair. 


We'll never know precisely how many 12-year-old girls in the mid-90s nursed debilitating  Jeff Goldblum infatuations, but I can assure you that the number is higher than you'd probably expect. When I was in middle school, I regularly fantasized about Jeff Goldblum. As I got older, those fantasies didn't cease, they merely became more elaborate.




This isn't some kind of strange sexual euphemism, I'd really just like to feel that Jeff cares enough about my health to pay attention to my eating habits.


This, on the other hand, is some kind of strange sexual euphemism.






(This may actually be the first time that I've creeped myself out with something that I've posted here.)
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You're cordially invited to the Jeff Goldblum YouTube par-tay.





I like how he touches Laura Dern's hair at 0:54. Smooth.



15 comments:

Courtney said...

You are awesome, and every post of yours I read just reaffirms that. :)

Kayleigh said...

I don't think I've ever fantasized about him, but now you got me thinkin.

Shannon said...

lmao.

we just watched jurassic park in our backyard on a big projector screen. i still love it when he says, "dino droppings...droppings?"

Roxarita said...

But no 'Must go faster'?

Amber said...

Courtney: What a super nice thing to say. Thank you and you're the awesome one.

Kayleigh:Do it. DO IT!

Shannon: I envy you and your backyard projector-Jurassic park-viewing parties. The movie really is super quotable. I always think of, "that is one big pile of shit."

Roxarita: ha, well it is a "short" list. A more complete list would obviously include some variation on "must go faster."

lizosom said...

Your pictures with Jeff Goldblum are fantastic, it is so much fun!! :)))

Fear Street said...

No words. Only drool.

Erin likes it hot. said...

Do you ever get sick of being a complete genius? I know you already won the blogger of the month, but maybe it needs to happen again.

Also, and on a more somber note if I may, y didn't see my paul joke in your celeb crush thread...need I say, boo to that?

Munk said...

Am I becoming a hundred-and-eighty-five-pound fly? No, I'm becoming something that never existed before. I'm becoming... Brundlefly.

Emily said...

BLUMMMM. I love the Blum so damn much, and he's the sweetest guy in real life. I'm honoured to say I've felt his arm around me.

I loved this post.

BeckEye said...

Wonderful. This cracked me up. Goldy is from Pittsburgh, you know, which makes him, uh, even more, ahhh, wonderful.

LadyJ3000 said...

And here I thought that I was the only Goldblum worshipper. That makes you competition. Love the drawings.

Megs said...

Okay 1. I have a friend who refers to sexy times with her husband as "Taco Night".

And 2...I think it would be easier to count the girls who weren't in love/lust with Mr. Goldblum.

ren said...

I am in love with you. I want to write you sexually explicit haiku all night long, or give you a bouquet of tacos. Instead I'm leaving you this comment. Bummer.

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