Tuesday, January 18, 2011

I Suck at Sonic the Hedgehog

I used to be like that kid from The Wizard when it came to Sonic. In fact, people used to call me "The Wizard" (no one ever called me "The Wizard"). But that was 16 years ago. I currently suck--something that I discovered when I played the game for the first time since the fifth grade. What the hell happened? Seriously.


Swagger
Right off the bat, I'm feeling super fresh because I remember that one of those invincibility boxes is hiding up in this tree. I crack the box open and scream, "KING KONG AIN'T GOT NOTHIN' ON ME!" Naturally, I'm thinking that I'm about to dominate and wondering if Sonic's red sneakers come in my size. In hindsight, this was a mistake. There just isn't any room for cockiness when you're playing Sonic. 

Sonic Hates Me
I've been at this for 2 minutes and only have 39 rings. This is not good. When your game controller is idle for a couple of seconds, Sonic starts tapping his foot, giving you the stink eye, etc. This could happen to anyone who steps away from the game without pausing it. Still, it's hard not to take it personally when you're playing so horribly.

From Rags to Riches to Falling off a Cliff
I didn't actually die here, but there are few things in this world that are more demoralizing than losing all of your rings.

Swagger Redux
It seemed my luck was changing. Sure, I only had 38 rings, but I beat the level, got some bonus points, and Sonic flashed me that Japanese peace sign thing. It's hard not to feel fresh after all of that. 

Death
A mere 4 seconds into "Green Hill Zone: Act 2" I die while robotic fish leap into the air with indifference. 

One Ring to Rule Them All
Here I am. Lord of the ring. Why is it that one ring feels more pathetic than zero? 

Bunny Death
The robots attempting to kill me/Sonic throughout the game are actually adorable woodland creatures, trapped by evil Dr. Robotnik, and placed in mechanical bodies. Once you kill the machine, the animal is released. So, even when I was feeling sort of miserable about how poorly I was playing, I was able to take solace in the fact that I'd freed a few animals from Robotnik's clutches. But then I saved a bunny who--within seconds of leaving his mechanical prison--killed himself. It was like The Shawshank Redemption sans Morgan Freeman's warm, all-knowing voice-over.

Power Sneakers
The sneakers you see inside of this 1984 Macintosh computer monitor are like the "Sonic the Hedgehog" version of crank. A second after cracking this box open, I was running in the sky. Afterward, I was tempted to stop playing the game with the intention of winning/leveling up and just trying to find these sneaker boxes. I'm assuming that these boxes were left by Dr. Robotnik in an attempt to manufacture addiction--like the American government's surreptitious introduction of addictive substances into certain "undesirable" populations. 

Weak Sauce
The key to "Sonic the Hedgehog" is the spin. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then I don't even know what to say to you. As you can see in this picture, my spin was weak, I couldn't complete the loop, I suck, etc.

One Life to Live
So then I get 39 rings. I'm on my way to having more rings than I've ever had. I die. Of course.


Game Over
I survive for 1:18 on my last life. Maybe I should be proud of that. I could've only survived for 1:17, which would've been really embarrassing. 


Meh.
I start a new game, but my heart just isn't into it. I decide to chill on this rock, which turns out to be the highlight of my day. 

16 comments:

Catherine said...

This is exactly how I feel about most of my Super Nintendo games.

Laura said...

I recently sold my Sega and Sonic the Hedgehog to an old roommate, who in turn left it in some storage facility. This post made me really, really, really want to play right now! May have to settle for some xbox and Crash Bandicoot

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

I still have my Sonic and now I want to play! I wrote a post about Sonic once too, and how I owned this game. OWNED.

And of course I mean I used the up,down,left,right cheat code and just magic'd my way through the hard parts. My spin, however, was naturally awesome.

Lorraine

nikkihb said...

I was never any good at Sonic to begin with. I'm one of the few people who played the original Super Mario Bros on NES and managed to never beat it. And I played more than was probably healthy.

C said...

So, when I was teaching in Korea I asked some Asian kids what the whole peace sign was about.

Turns out it's not "peace": it's V.

For victory.

Which changed my whole opinion of what I had gotten myself into by teaching overseas and also made me wonder about personal safety.

True story.

Megs said...

I have no idea what this post was about because I wasn't allowed to have video games when I was in high school. And now it's too late to get good at them.

But the one ring to rule them all joke cracked me up. Also, I think zero rings is less pathetic because you can pretend you weren't even trying to get rings, whereas if you have one, well, obviously you were trying to get rings.

MJenks said...

I used to be good on this game, however the new Mario Wii game has reminded me just how truly lacking I am at platformers. I'm sure I would suck EVEN MORE than you do at this now.

But, the Lord of the Rings joke was golden. GOLDEN!

See, cause the ring was made out of gold and the rings in Sonic are also made out of...

I'm just going to show myself out now...

Eleni said...

Hahaha, you lit up my day. I miss those innocent days of playing Sonic the Hedgehog. I was never that good--never beat it--but I would probably be terrible trying now, too.

All I remember: Title screen: up, down, left, right, hold A, press Start.

Question 1: How do I remember this code 16+ years later?
Question 2: What does this cheat actually do? Invincibility? Level select? Extra lives? I really can't remember.
Question 3: How on Earth did we even learn cheats before the internet?

Simon said...

I always thought that peace sign was general Eurasian version of the finger. Or is that when the knuckles face outwards? Damn you, foreigners, why can't you be exactly like me?

Amiee said...

I loved Sonic almost as much as Alex the kid and Wonderboy...not that I was that great at any of them.
My boyfriend bought me a sega master system last year for nostalgic reasons and this post makes me want to pull it out again.

TbR said...

I was crap at Sonic. 39 rings - 1 ring - would have been like Christmas and my birthday rolled into one.

Tabs A. Geek said...

Ooh, I SO know how you feel. I used to be killer at Sonic.

I just bought the Sega Genesis 20 games thing for PS3, and it turns out, I've lost my touch big time. :(

Purtle said...

I never beat super mario on nes either... i was an only child though, so my nes is in mint condition. i still play dr. mario from time to time. i have this jeopardy game, and the final question was which country produces the most potatoes. i knew the answer was russia, but i didn't know that russia was the u.s.s.r. when the video game was made...

ZP said...

It's been years since I've actually played Sonic, so who knows maybe I suck as well. Back in the day though when I was a 8-bit playing maniac, I could usually beat the games in one night.

However, now that I've become acclimated to the PS3 and it's 3D world renditions, I'm curious to see if I can still navigate the 8-bit world. I now have plans for this weekend, sweet.

London Girl said...

Dude, you're not the only one. I find that if you were particularly good at something when you were younger, and you haven't done it in a while, it's more than likely that you'll be rubbish at it when you give it another go when you're older. I use to be epic at computer games.. but no longer. I use to be awesome at roller blading... now it's practically impossible for me.

But I suppose there are some things that I can do now that I couldn't when I was younger.... like, erm, making tea and... being older?

Nicki said...

My mom got me Sonic 2 for the DS for Christmas. Words cannot explain my rapture. If only to listen to the soundtrack constantly.

(OH DON'T PRETEND LIKE YOU CAN'T SING ALONG WITH EVERY LEVEL)