Sunday, October 31, 2010

It's the Great Make-Out Sesh, Charlie Brown!

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown puts me in a Halloweenie mood more than any other Halloween TV special or movie. It also gets me super psyched about the rocks I'm going to be handing out to all the prematurely balding neighbor kids who waddle up to my front porch tonight.

These days, I can't seem to watch a cartoon without trying to determine which, if any, of the characters I'd make-out with. While this is inappropriate and creepy in most cases, the Peanuts gang is really just begging to be sexualized and debased in this way. How do I figure? Well, whenever I say the word "peanuts" it sounds like "penis." So there you go, unflappable reasoning. The following is a list of the Peanuts/penis men that I'd make-out with in the order that I'd make-out with them.

1. Linus
Linus is whimsical and pragmatic, he's insightful and innocent. Unlike Schroeder, his aloofness lacks pomposity or pretension and is instead a reflection of how deeply philosophical he is. If the comic strips of Charles M. Schulz were an 80s teen movie, Linus would be John Cusack.
Sure, there's that whole security blanket/thumb sucking thing, but I've always been attracted to eccentric men. 

2. Schroeder
Double-u-tee-eff, Schroeder?! Do you really have to bring your tiny piano to every social function? We get it. You're hella good at music. Your adorable-artsy-boy mystique has been established. We all think you're hot. We all want you. We all realize that you'll never like us as much as we like you. So, drop the schtick and pucker up. It's business time. 

3. Franklin
The lone black kid in a town of caucasians and never a moment of angst outta this one. Ultimately, I think Franklin is far too well-adjusted and mature to indulge in the kind of haphazard face-sucking that I'm after, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to finagle a little make-out sesh, even if that means telling him that I'll meet his parents afterward.

4. Woodstock
I'm pretty sure there's a six-pack underneath all those yellow feathers. Hot.

5. Charlie Brown
While that swarthy swirl of hair on his forehead isn't necessarily a deal breaker, Chuck is just a little too mopey--and not in a sexy Eeyore-way. If I were to make-out with Charlie Brown, it would be out of pity or--more likely--a drunken demonstration of my own self-loathing. 

Happy Halloween, everyone! I'll be spending the remainder of the evening gorging on 100 Grand bars and then I think TBS is showing Steve Martin's terrifying Halloween classic, Cheaper by the Dozen, so I might catch that. But I think you should go to a party, drink a few alcoholic beverages, make-out with someone who looks like Linus/the little red-haired girl, and then eat a burrito.


Allison said...

LOVE the Linus/Cusack comparison!

Fear Street said...

Happy Halloween (that's about 6-7 minutes too late)!

I <3 Woodstock...where's Snoopy?

Jen said...

Happy Halloween!

LOVE your Peanuts drawings. I also am always curious which cartoon I would make out with, and I have to say, your wisdom about Linus being John Cusack is right on. I want to print off your drawing of him holding a pumpkin over his head and frame that shit.

Nicki said...

I'm definitely on board the Hot Linus train.

I guess that makes me Sally.

I'm going to invest in some hair straighteners.

The Shanner of Attention said...

so stinkin' funny.

i'm just sad you didn't give "pigpen" any props. ;)

BeckEye said...

I'd totally make out with Schroeder first. He's so intense. He's like a cartoon Damon Albarn.

soft nonsense said...

I'm surprised Charlie Brown even made this list....and Linus with the pumpkin over his head = epic win.

Christina In Wonderland said...

I know have the image of Peanuts: the teen movie version and I think it would totally rule! Too bad John Cusack is kinda old now. *sigh* The fading glory days...

BTW: I always preferred Schroeder over Linus. Probably the thumb sucking was a little much. And, well, I've always had a thing for musicians.

MJenks said...

When I was a younger lad, I referred to my peezer as my "peanut". You can imagine my horror when I learned that Charlie Brown was really titled "Peanuts".

There was a play or a show or something that was supposed to be a reflection of the Peanuts gang growing up and going to college or something. I forget what it was, but Charles Schulz, who was kind of a dick in real life, heard about it, he was not amused. I can't remember the title, but it had nothing to do with Peanuts, but the main character's name was "Charlie". I'll try to find it if you want it.

Megs said...

How could you choose Linus over Schroeder? Dude, Shroeder is like the pre-Trent Lane.

Amber said...

MJenks: if you can find it that'd be rad.

Megs: Schroeder used to be my number one Peanuts crush, but I don't know, as I've gotten older, I've really been digging Linus. But yeah, Schroeder is the total proto-Trent.

Kelly L said...

The Linus-as-John-Cusack illustration just made my life. Epic.

Sada said...

I've pondered sucking cartoon face with the Peanuts gang before too, and Linus is definitely my go-to baboo.

p.s. SEXY EEYORE killed me. Not literally.

Ashley R said...

By all accounts this post should creep me out (I am from You're the Charlie Browniest, of course!), but oh man it's just too damn good. Linus holding the [Great] Pumpkin like Cusack is amazing. So accurate!

Tabs A. Geek said...

I had such a thing for Linus as a kid.

Cami said...

the play's called Dog Sees God. :-)