Thursday, June 10, 2010

Vintage Amber: Guys I Stalked in Middle School

I'm a collector of toys, books, comics, burritos, and Star Trek memorabilia. I used to study the World Almanac. When I really dig a movie, I'll watch it over and over until I know every line. I need my bedroom to be the way I need my bedroom to be! It only stands to reason that this sort of obsessive behavior would spill into my love life.

I say "love life" but what I really mean is "unrequited love life" because it wasn't until very recently that males started to find me attractive--my "awkward stage" refuses to just be a stage and insists on being my life. As everyone knows--either from personal experience or Lifetime movies--when unrequited love and obsession meet, the result is always stalking. So yeah, I stalked some dudes. 

I stalked some in high school and a few in college. But my stalking heyday (and I'm talking about quantity and not the absurdity or craziness of the stalking) was in middle school. Most of these guys were in my band class, which just adds another layer of pathetic to the whole thing. 

I always operated at the creepy but harmless level and, thankfully, never ventured into those treacherous I'm-super-psychotic-and-if-I-can't-have-you-no-one-can waters. But still, I stalked a couple of guys pretty hard--and these were in the pre-Google/Facebook days, so if you were going to stalk someone, you actually had to go out into the streets and do the leg work.

The middle school stalkees nearest and dearest to my heart are Kris C., Brian, Michael, and Chris P. 

Kris C.
Height: Shortish
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Hazel
Instrument: Trumpet
Year of Crush: 8th Grade
Intensity of Crush: Super Kamehameha
Intensity of Stalking: Mild

The Lowdown: Kris was a "rocker" which meant he wasn't a "rapper" or whatever. I don't know. The social hierarchies and nomenclature were weird in middle school. In any case, he wasn't popular, wore Airwalks, and was rumored to be a Satanist because one night before a band concert he was seen "worshiping the devil." 

Contrary to popular belief, Kris was extraordinarily sweet, probably the sweetest boy in our grade, and a lot cooler than almost everyone else in our school. He was also gross. But in a hot way. You know, like Johnny Knoxville. He once had me watch him shove an entire Q-tip up his nose. Swoon!

The Stalking: By the time I started to like-like Kris C. we were already buddies, so I really didn't have to stalk him that hard. But I did make a special effort to always be near him and even manipulated a friend into inviting him to a party that was originally supposed to be an all-girl affair. Every day after school I'd sprawl out on my bed, listen to "All My Only Dreams" from the That Thing You Do soundtrack and cry (literally) about how much I lurved him.

The Aftermath: In true middle school fashion, I had someone tell him that I liked him. He said that he only liked me as a friend. Naturally. After middle school he moved to Virginia or something. We're friends on the Facebook.

Height: Mediumish to Tallish
Hair: Black
Eyes: Brown
Instrument: Clarinet
Year of Crush: 7th Grade
Intensity of Crush: Super Kamehameha
Intensity of Stalking: Hardcore

The Lowdown: Really, there wasn't anything noteworthy about him but I think he smiled at me once during P.E., which was enough to seal the deal. In Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Jim Carrey says, "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see that shows me the least bit of attention?" I can relate to that shiz.

The Stalking: I'd rush out of class at the end of the day to make sure that I was halfway down Grand Ave. before Brian got his bike from the bike rack, and then I'd wait there for him. Once I saw his neon green bike off in the distance, I'd start walking, so it didn't look like I'd just been waiting there for him. When he passed me, I walked as fast I could behind him while trying not to look like I was walking as fast as I could behind him. I was going, like, six blocks out of my way just to make this happen because I lived in a totally different direction.

In addition to this, I had my friends report back to me on things they saw him do throughout  the day. One industrious girl, Julie, found out that Brian had a big white dog and I treated this as if it were some crucial piece of intelligence.

One day, when I was following Brian down Grand Ave., he yelled, "Stop stalking me!" The friends who were with me laughed but I was incensed. How dare he accuse me of something I was so clearly doing?

The Aftermath: I got over Brian the summer between 7th and 8th grade. After 8th grade graduation, my BFF peer pressured him into hugging me.

Height: Tall
Hair: Black
Eyes: Brown
Instrument: Not in band
Year of Crush: 8th Grade
Intensity of Crush: Pretty Intense
Intensity of Stalking: Moderate to Heavy

The Lowdown: Michael was one of those unbelievably adorable boys and was loved by all girls. He was a new kid and new kids are always ten times more desirable than all the old, played out kids you've known for the past couple of years. 

The Stalking: There was a lot of your garden variety staring and lurking but the highlight was when I very cooly opened up the "Students of the Month" display case (which had fortuitously been left unlocked) and stole his picture. 

I still have it. Aaaaaaahhhh! I'm such a creep. 

The Aftermath: The BFF developed a crush on Michael and he actually showed some interest in her. It almost broke up our friendship but I'm glad it didn't because that would've been super lame. I haven't heard anything about him since middle school. 

Chris P.
Height: Shortish
Hair: Brown
Eyes: Brown
Instrument: Trumpet
Year of Crush: 7th and 8th Grade
Intensity of Crush: Super Kamehameha
Intensity of Stalking: Hardcore

The Lowdown: Chris P. had curly hair, a huge mole on his cheek, and a schnoz. I can't resist any of these things. Whenever I told someone that I liked him, they'd either ask, "Who's that?" or "That guy with the big nose?"

The Stalking: There were two shining moments in the Chris P. stalking:

(1) My friends in middle school were awesome but they were also enablers. One of them pulled some Ocean's Eleven crap, managed to figure out Chris P's locker combination, and then gave it to me. While everyone was in the lunchroom, I broke into his locker and saw that the green sweatshirt he wore every day was lying there, just waiting to be fondled. I grabbed it and sniffed it for a minute or two. In my mind, this was a victory, a major triumph, and it looked like this:

In reality, I'm sure it looked more like this:

(2) During lunch, Chris P. threw away the paper baggie his french fries were in. After he walked away, I fished it out of the garbage can...
 and kept it in a little box in my room.

The Aftermath: Chris P. and I became pretty good friends, probably because I got over the crush and never told him about the locker incident or the french fry bag. We went to different high schools and talked a couple of times on instant messenger. This is where things get a little weird. One night, when I was in 10th or 11th grade an instant message pops up on my computer screen. It says: "Hey, Sheena. Do you want to cyber?" Obviously he'd instant messaged me when he meant to IM this other girl we went to middle school with. I typed back, "Uh...what?" He promptly signed off.


Melissa said...

Haaaa, look at 3P0 and R2 chilling out in the background! They can only gawk in the majesty of your accomplishment ... or rather, "accomplishment"?

One Blonde Girl said...

I love this post. Seriously, I do. I think I want to marry it. I mean, c'mon, this post and I were meant to be together. It's like this post took a peak into my middle school heart/brain. We were destined to be together. Can you ask it if it likes me? I mean, I know we just met, but this is DESTINY!

Anywho... great story. Love the pics.

Hipstercrite said...

Oh my God. One of the best posts I've read in awhile. I love your style. Sense of humor and delivery are perfect!

Megs said...

This brings back fond memories of Daniel, the boy I stalked in middle school. Once, on a class trip, I pretty much pretended we were on a date, and told people who didn't know us that we went out on a date. Daniel...was unaware he was on a date.
I went and looked up his yearbook picture. We look identical. IDENTICAL.

In conclusion: I totally stalked a boy who could have been my twin.

Anonymous said... the best thing I have ever read. But I say that to myself about all of your posts.

And I definitely stole a picture of a boy, but it was from a friend's photo album. And...wait, I stole his boxers, too. I don't remember why she had them, but she did.

OK, I am way creepier than you.

Sadako said...

So freaking adorable. As always, LOVE your pics. Wish I had you to animate my whole life!

miss jille said...

I was totally a stalker too.. I kind of miss those days! The thrill it gave my 12 year old self will probably never be felt again.

Heather Taylor said...

This post is perfection. I was a bit of a stalker back in the day too. High school, actually. My school had this phone directory of every student in the school that we were all given and I had a crush on this guy in my broadcasting class. So I looked up his number, called him, and hung up the moment I heard him say "Hello?" He of course star 69'ed me back and for the next 10 most mortifying minutes of my life, we did the "oh hey hi" (he knew who I was) followed by talking about the window getting repaired at his house. I still cringe thinking about it to this day.

Pasha said...

Oh thank god I wasn't the only middle school stalker. I ended up dating my stalkee for five years though, so I'm gonna call that a major creeper success!

Anonymous said...

Haha, this was awesome. Wasn't school PAINFUL? I love your drawings, they're always spot on. :) I prefer to think of your stalking as "investigative reporting on potential romance candidates". Sounds so much classier.

Angie said...

HAHAHAHA I love it all, and I can relate to so much of it.

Also, nice reference to All My Only Dreams. Love that soundtrack! Just reviewed it recently! Our brains are connected, methinks.

lindsay beth said...

Aw man, I did ALL of these things. I'm so glad I'm not the only one. I literally stole pictures of boys I liked from various friends (and strangers) and made a photo album when I was in middle school.

Your blog is awesome <3

Anonymous said...

I guess the truth is revealed-we are all stalkers here. Or maybe it is a blogger thing. Maybe an analysis is in order. I stalked teachers. Yeah. Pretty unwholesome for a band camp girl.

Simon said...

You are awesome, and your pictures are awesome, and your creepy proneness to stalking is (...) awesome. Okay?

Anonymous said...

This? This is hilarious. Oh god. Reading this reminds me of all the crazy things I did to be in the presence of my crushes. And it was during middle school, of course.

I'm SO glad myspace/facebook/twitter were not around during those days. I can only imagine....

Amiee said...

You are hiliarious and I can completely relate! Love that you kept the pic

Lorelai said...

This post makes me so jealous, because I went to an all girls' Catholic school during these years. Stalking boys you liked was really difficult when you only really knew them from the bus/train ride home and had absolutely no access to their lockers.

Danaconda said...

I love when women are open about how crazy they are/used to be. You wouldn't have liked me until high school when my jewish nose came to fruition :)

I'm sick at work and I feel like this day is bending me over with no mercy. Your blog entry has helped make the day much, much better, so thanks for that.

I'm truly impressed by your stalking prowess. Breaking into that dude's locker and sniffing his sweatshirt for a couple minutes? Priceless. You certainly did your leg work.

Tina K said...

I am also impressed by your stalking prowess!

My stalking tendencies increased when I got a car. I'm pretty sure the guy I had a crush on wondered why my car was always behind or beside his in the school parking lot, and why I would blast music that I knew he liked when I pulled up next to him. The same music, everytime.

Ally said...

i totally love this post. i did the same crap in school. i was so obsessed with so many diff boys. i'm impressed that you remember such details about them too. i think i might as well, and in my case we're going back to like 1985 :(

could you imagine if we had fb and all that back then, as you said. damn.

nikki said...

I was way too shy and awkward to even consider stalking boys. Good for you, going after what you wanted!

I wish I had the talent to illustrate all the moments of my life.

Johana Hill said...

My interest in boys started after college! Hated 'em when I was in high school. I remember this guy who used to follow me after school and one time, he handed me a letter. Without opening it, I tore it up in front of him! LMAO

OMG! I'm such a meanie...

I must say though, you are a brave soul! ;p

LaceyRee said...

I just found your blog and I have to say that you are hilarious :)
I was also a boy stalker in middle school, and my friends were also enablers. We had code names for all of the boys that we stalked. It's weird to think about now... hahah thanks for bringing back the memories!!!

Kelli said...

Oh man, I love this. We may have shared the same middle school life.

Jen said...

Amber you speak for the stalker in all of us. Your cartoons/pictures make me swoon. seriously. They are awesome.

My 5-8th grade crush was Billy, who I definitely stalked. He was my neighbor, and into motor cross, and my FATHER CALLED THE COPS ON HIM once because his motorbike was so loud and we could hear it during dinner. Mortifying. I was hopelessly in love, and would ride my own (non motor) bike on the track in his backyard with him, and cried when he gave all of my best friends their first kiss, except me. ::sigh::

Missed Periods said...

That was simply amazing. Great drawing, wonderful writing.

Wendy Ramer said...

Crazy funny. And great 'toons!

Boonsong said...

Amazing post. Really amusing! You're so talented. Thanks for this.

All the best, Boonsong