Thursday, April 15, 2010

Things I wanted when I was a kid after watching various TV shows and movies that featured said things: Part the first

1. A McDonald's in my house
This is how Richie Rich ends...

(poor kids hoist Macaulay Culkin up on their rickets-riddled poor-kid shoulders)
Richard Rich Sr: Now our son really is the richest boy in the world.
Regina Rich: (grins stupidly/knowingly) He has friends.

This is how Richie Rich should have ended...

(poor kids hoist Macaulay Culkin up on their rickets-riddled poor-kid shoulders)
Richard Rich Sr.: Now our son really is the richest boy in the world.
Regina Rich: (grins stupidly/knowingly) He has friends.
Richard Rich Sr.: And now that he has friends, he won't be needing that McDonald's he has upstairs.
Regina Rich: True, true. We should probably give it to Amber.
Richard Rich Sr.: Indubitably! Cadbury, wrap up Richie's McDonald's and send it to Amber in California. You see, Richie has no use for the thing. He has friends now.
(freeze-frame on me in my living room, high-fiving a Big Mac)

The person who decided that Richie Rich was going to have a McDonald's in his house should be teaching a master course in product placement--it's totally blatant here but also just a really cool character detail. The funny thing is that I never wanted any of the other crap Richie had (the mansion, the kid-a-pult, the manservant, the FRIENDS!). I only wanted that McDonald's. Of course, I hadn't thought about any of the logistics. Where would the employees live? Where would they sleep? Eat? Would they have hopes, dreams, etc.?

2. A blank check
I never even saw this movie but, as an 11-year-old, the trailer was enough to get that little hamster wheel in my brain spinning, just dreaming up ways to use that blank check. In the trailer (and I guess in the movie as well) some bad bald guy asks "Preston Waters" how he was able to spend $1,000,000 in 6 days. The movie was released in 1994 and by 2010 standards, that's a stupid question. $1,000,000 is barely enough to buy two pairs of jeans.* But you know, I think it was kind of a stupid question back then too.

3. Swim in a vault of gold doubloons 
I'm no physicist but from what I understand about mass, density, velocity, and whatnot, this isn't possible. And then there's this whole other level of impossibility that has to do with acquiring all of those gold doubloons. This being said, my mother always told me that with a little perseverance I could climb the highest mountain (both literally and metaphorically) and be anything that I wanted to be. Well, I wanted to be (and still want to be) a person with a vault full of gold doubloons who then swims around in those gold doubloons. So Booyah! That crap's gonna happen! How ya like me now?**

4. A train that I could ride around my house
Silver Spoons was like a live-action version of Richie Rich (before Macaulay Culkin's live-action Richie Rich existed) and Rick Schroder's character had this train that he and his man-child father would ride around their house. Looking back, this is the stupidest thing that I wanted when I was a kid. Sure, it might have been fun for like a day, but I can't imagine using it for longer than that. First of all, it goes way too slow. Like 1/2 MPH. You could walk from one room to the next in less time than it would take this train to make the journey. Second of all, anyone sitting on a tiny train--even a baby--just looks like an a-hole. And third of all, I don't even like trains that much. So, you know, what's the point, right? Wanting this was kind of like my Veruca Salt moment--nothing more than a bratty, knee-jerk reaction to seeing something that I didn't have. 




*I'm bad at math and my mom buys all of my clothes.

** This is the first time that I've ever typed the phrase, "how ya like me now." It felt good, though. It was cathartic. 

18 comments:

soft nonsense said...

I feel like you would appreciate this link.

http://www.wolfgnards.com/index.php/2009/08/27/how-rich-is-scrooge-mcduck

Also, even when I was little and saw "Blank Check," I thought a million was chump change. Even one more zero....

Ally said...

I always wanted to have the train, the arcade-style video games and the car bed Ricky had. I also wanted Jason Bateman as a best friend who would sleep over wink wink.

FourthGradeNothing.com

No One Reads The Copy said...

I always get excited when you update!

number 3 all the way. logically I knew it would be painful but watching uncle Scrooge dive and swim around in those coins seemed like the ultimate fulfillment if the American dream.

Fear Street said...

The things I desperately wanted as a kid were things I saw on commercials: a trampoline, a Barbie jeep, a container of Nickelodeon's Gak, various items on crappy informercials. I only got the Gak (pizza scented! Fairly disgusting.)

Amiee said...

Pizza scented gak. Nice, or Kath and Kim style, noice.
I agree, little trains do make the people sitting on them look remarkably stupid. The McD in your house would have been cool though.

Jerry said...

I would love to have a vault full of doubloons so that I could swim in them!

Sadako said...

I wanted to swim in dubloons, too. I also wanted coins that looked as shiny and yellow and perfect as his did. I bet in real life swimming in coins would be disgusting because of all the crap that gets on them. Plus, painful and impossible. Dare to dream, though!

That Kind of Girl said...

I've never understood how nobody has thought to captitalize on our collective McDuck fantasy as a fundraiser: start with a few thousand in ones and charge people ten crisp ones to put on a skin-tight swimsuit (so they can't pocket any!) and dive through it for five minutes. I'd pay for that. I'd hella pay for that.

That Kind of Girl said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tina K said...

I had a big jar of pennies that I kept in my room; sometimes I would spread it out on the floor and pretend to be swimming in it. I figured it would be similar to the sensation of swimming in a vault of doubloons.

Megs said...

I definitely wanted the vault filled with gold doubloons. What am I saying, wanted? I still want that.

Johana Hill said...

I wanted dolls when I was a kid. Oh! and lipsticks. I was fascinated by lipsticks. And now I don't even "color my lips".

Whenever you get that Micky D's in your house, call me! ;p

Heather Taylor said...

A McDonald's in my house would be most excellent, particularly in the case of the McFlurry machine. Which Richie Rich didn't get because those weren't out until the summer Armageddon was out so there! Now you have the Micky D's and the McFlurries and Richie Rich gets to settle for the friends.
One of my teachers actually wrote some of the movie Blank Check which I find very funny and incredibly awesome.

nikki said...

So jealous of little Ricky's train! My brother always liked to point out that it would actually hurt to swim in doubloons.

vint4ge said...

Me I wanted the audio recorder of McCaulay Culkin in Home Alone 2 !

Powdered Toast Man said...

I consider myself a movie buff and for some reason I have not seen this movie, people always talk about it but I never think to rent it.

Did you vote on the Battle of The Game Show Hosts? I also post a movie game on wednesdays you might like.

http://reviewsyoucantuse.blogspot.com/2010/04/battle-of-game-show-hosts-st-round.html

Christina In Wonderland said...

Number 1 & 2? Seriously? It's like you reached into my mind and yanked pieces of my childhood from me.

I've never seen Silver Spoons, though. Yet another to add to my list.

Angie said...

You just read my effing mind. I heart you big time.