Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Heh, it's 4/20 and you know what that means...Dazed and Confused Personality Tests

I probably wouldn't include Dazed and Confused on a list of my favorite films, which is bizarre, because it’s one of the few movies that I’ll watch every time it’s on TV. I don't know, maybe with so many flashy movies out there these days, I take this quiet little gem for granted. But obviously I love old crap and even though Dazed wouldn't immediately come to mind if High Fidelity's Rob Gordon were to ask me to reel off my top five faves, this cult comedy released in 1993 and set in 1976 is like the cinematic equivalent of comfort food for me. 

Chuck Klosterman’s short essay "Not So Long Ago, But Very Far Away," which is included in the Criterion edition of the film, begins like this: "I have watched Dazed and Confused approximately sixty-five times, and I have been stoned for approximately sixty-four of those experiences. At this point, it almost seems unfathomable to watch this movie without being high; in fact, it’s entirely possible that watching this movie actively releases THC into my bloodstream." My boyfriend, a reformed pothead, has had a similar relationship with Dazed and won’t watch the movie anymore because he’s developed some sort of Pavlovian response to it--he starts salivating and tearing his house apart, trying to locate ancient bongs and his emergency stash whenever he hears "Sweet Emotion" coming from the TV set. 

As you may or may not have already realized, it's 4/20, national weed day. And the best way to celebrate this unofficial holiday if you're a freakin' nerd like me is to take a couple of Dazed and Confused related personality tests, created by yours truly. 

(It’s hard to imagine that anyone reading this blog hasn't watched the movie, but if you haven’t, here’s the brief (slightly corny) summary on the back of the DVD case if you want to know a little about the plot and get into the spirit of things: "America. 1976. The last day of school. Bongs blaze, bell-bottoms ring, and rock and roll rocks. Among the best teen films ever made, Richard Linklater’s Dazed and Confused eavesdrops on a group of seniors-to-be and incoming freshman. A launching pad for a number of future stars, Linklater's first studio effort also features endlessly quotable dialogue and a blasting, stadium-ready soundtrack. Sidestepping nostalgia, Dazed and Confused is less about "the best years of our lives" than the boredom, angst, and excitement of teenagers waiting...for something to happen.")

Without further ado, here are the tests. I really hope you enjoy them and feel free to copy and paste your results on your blog if you’re suffering from writer’s block today or maybe too faded to come up with a real post. 

Which Dazed and Confused Inanimate Object Are You?

1. Which form of government do you find most appealing?
a. Dictatorship, where I’m the dick...tator. Bwahaha. That was a joke. Laugh.
b. I don’t really know much about governments, dude, but “Laissez-faire” is a cool word. Or is that two words?
c. Socialist Republic, man.
d. Direct Democracy, rule by the people!
e. Fascist State

2. Which of the following dead musicians would you want to haunt you for the rest of your life?
a. John Bonham
b. Carl and Dennis Wilson of the Beach Boys (tag-team haunting)
c. Bob Marley
d. James Brown
e. Antonio Salieri

3. If I were facial hair, I would be:
a. muttonchops

b. a soul patch

c. scraggly chin whiskers

d. Fu Manchu, Sho'nuff variation

e. The King of Prussia handlebar
4. What’s your favorite John Travolta movie?
a. Battlefield Earth. Not only is this my favorite Travolta flick, but it’s probably the best movie ever made.
b. Grease. I like to get friendly down in the sand.
c. Look Who’s Talking Too. How did those babies talk without moving their lips, man? 
d. Pulp Fiction. I don’t watch Travolta movies on principle, but Samuel L. Jackson’s in this one and he’s a hero of mine.
e. The Boy in the Bubble. All children should live in bubbles. There’d be a lot less crime and disease. 

5. Your idea of a perfect Saturday is:
a. Scratching your crotch for a while then heading over to the corner bar, where you'll down a few beers, shoot some pool, talk some shit, then start terrorizing the other patrons when that buzz you've had going for most of the day becomes full-on, breathalyzer test-failing inebriation. You wake up the next morning in the hallway of you apartment building, naked, missing a tooth, with the word "scrotum" written on your forehead in black Magic Marker. 

b. Cruising down to the beach with your buddies, boogey boarding, and then maybe grabbing a vegan taco for lunch. Later, you'll have a bonfire, roast marshmallows, drink wine coolers, and sing Jack Johnson songs all night long.

c. Sleep 'till two, then smoke a bowl with your roommates while talking about oppression and watching Dora the Explorer. You eat some Cheetos, take a late-evening nap, and wake up when you realize that you were supposed to meet someone somewhere to do something but then go back to sleep when you can’t remember what that something was.

d. Eat a hot breakfast--scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, pancakes smothered in cane syrup, grits--then go to the barbershop/beauty salon where you pick up a bootleg copy of Iron Man 2. From there you might go to a cookout but you’ll definitely end the day with a bubble bath and a little Otis Redding.

e. Mowing your lawn, then sitting on the porch for the rest of the day, staring down anyone who comes within an inch of that grass.

6. What’s your favorite sport?
a. Hockey. I like it when they fight. Heh.
b. Beach Volleyball. Volleying a ball while on a beach, who knew life could be so good?
c. Is hacky sack a sport? What about Ultimate Frisbee?
d. Boxing. But 1970s, rope-a-dope boxing. You know, back when we were kings.
e. Football. I like the word "gridiron." There’s something corporal punishmenty about it.

7. Which director would you want to direct your biopic?
a. Michael Bay
b. The guy who directed Endless Summer.
c. Kevin Smith
d. Melvin Van Peebles
e. Sergei Eisenstein

Your Results

Mostly "A"s: 
Congratulations, you are Fah-Q, which means you are a douche. Fortunately, you are blissfully unaware of your douchedom. Oops. Pretend you didn’t read that. 

Mostly "B"s: 
Congratulations, you are a puka shell necklace and probably very tan. To celebrate the completion of this test, blow off work or school for the rest of the week and go to the beach. You and your tan skin deserve it.

Mostly "C"s: 
Congratulations, you are a woodshop bong. Go take a hit off yourself, you effin’ stoner.

Mostly "D"s: 
Congratulations, you are the Soul Pole! You’re cool and you know it. So, I guess telling you that you’re cool was kind of unnecessary, huh?

Mostly "E"s: 
Congratulations, you are the Lee High School Football team pledge not to drink alcohol or take drugs or do anything else that might make life in 1970s rural Texas bearable. I hope you’re happy because no one else is.

What Your Favorite Dazed and Confused Rant Says About You

Which one of the following rants could you imagine coming out of your mouth?

1. Kaye: And there you guys were in class, trying to list all of the Gilligan’s Island episodes without even a hint of irony...it’s what’s called a male pornographic fantasy...think about it. You’re basically alone on a deserted island with two readily available women. One, a seductive sex goddess type. The other, a healthy girl-next-door type with a nice butt. So guys have it all. The Madonna and the whore. Women get nothing. We get a geek, an overweight middle-age guy, some nerdy scientific type.

2. Wooderson: Man, it’s the same bullshit they tried to pull in my day. If it ain’t that piece of paper, it’s some other choice they’re gonna try and make for ya. You gotta do what Randall “Pink” Floyd wants to do, man. And let me tell you this--the older you do get, the more rules they’re gonna try to get you to follow. You just gotta keep livin’, man. L-I-V-I-N.

3. Cynthia: Don’t you ever feel like everything we do and everything we’ve been taught is just to service the future...because if we’re all gonna die anyway, shouldn’t we be enjoying ourselves now? You know? I’d like to quit thinking of the present--like, right now--as some minor, insignificant preamble to somethin’ else.

4. Slater: This country was founded by people who were into aliens. George Washington, man, he was in a cult, and the cult was into aliens, man. You didn’t know that? Oh, man, they were way into that type of stuff.

Your Results
If you picked #1: In school, you rarely studied but were able to maintain straight "A"s. This is because you are naturally intelligent and perceptive but also because you are full of shit, capable of taking all of that shit and molding it into a very, very beautiful shit sculpture. When combined, your love of synonyms, familiarity with pop psychology, negligible grasp of current events, and ability to recall things you’ve heard smart people say, are enough to make you a hit at most social gatherings. However, you’d never consciously say something provocative to get attention--you simply have a knack for drawing amusing and deceptively profound conclusions from everyday happenings and cultural phenomena. When it comes to social movements or big, political issues like health care reform, you are totally apathetic but you often find yourself delivering sanctimonious speeches about toothpaste etiquette (squeezing the tube from the bottom vs. the middle) or which way the toilet paper should come off the roll (over vs. under). You watch reality television ironically but also because you actually enjoy it--and if anyone were to criticize you for doing this, you could rattle off 45 reasons why The Millionaire Matchmaker or Jersey Shore are more culturally significant than Joyce’s Ulysses even though you’ve never read Ulysses and only vaguely know what it is. You are probably a blogger.

If you picked #2: It isn’t that you don’t want to grow-up, you simply feel that the accepted notions about what it means to be an adult are unnecessarily rigid. You aren’t a rebel, because being a rebel would imply that you followed some anti-authoritarian ideology. And while you don’t dig rules and are wary of authority types, you’re ideologically opposed to ideologies.

You’re mellow, you’re chill, you play bongos/conga drums naked. You go with the proverbial flow. Strangers take one look at that easygoing smile of yours and think, "Now that’s a glass-is-half-full person, if I ever saw one." But they’re wrong. To you, the glass isn’t half full and clearly it isn’t half empty either. You see that glass and say, "I’m feelin’ kinda thirsty, I’m gonna drink some of that. Don’t know what it is I’ll be drinking. Could be water, could be vodka, could be transparent urine, but I’m sure everything’ll be all right, all right, all right." Or alternatively, "I’m not thirsty but, brother, you look like you could use a drink. Here, have some of this."

You’re the kind of person who would allow a friend or even a casual acquaintance to crash on your couch for months--free of charge and accountability--if that’s what it took for him/her to get back on his/her feet. But chances are, you don’t have a couch or a house/apartment of your own. Chances are, you’re that friend/casual acquaintance crashed out on those comfy cushions. Your buddy needn’t worry about you L-I-V-I-N on his couch for too long, though, because amazing opportunities just fall into your lap--it isn’t uncommon for you to be offered high-paying positions that you really aren’t qualified to hold or for sublimely gorgeous Brazilians to throw themselves at you. But as great as these things are, you’d be just as please if a butterfly were to fly past you or if the ocean were particularly sparkly one day.

If you picked #3: You read non-fiction, drink herbal tea, and “get” New Yorker cartoons. You’re hyper-articulate--a genuine intellectual--but the sort of extreme intelligence that you possess is crippling. You distrust your natural instincts and impulses and overanalyze everything. Although the deliberation that precedes your every decision precludes the kind of wantonness that really gives life meaning, it also acts as a social prophylactic and will probably prevent you from embarrassing yourself in public or contracting any life-threatening STDs.

Your defining characteristic is your self-awareness. In fact, you are so self-aware that you’re disgusted with yourself for being self-aware. Oh, and you hate yourself. The degree to which you hate yourself fluctuates from day to day, but it’s a feeling that you just can’t shake, despite your myriad accomplishments and the fact that most people seem to like you. Politically, you’re progressive but ultimately too wrapped up in your own neuroses to become an activist, preferring low-key expressions of liberalism like petition-signing, button-wearing, and dinner party-pontification. To you, Before Sunrise and its sequel Before Sunset (two Richard Linklater films in which Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy traipse around European cities and fall in love while talking about themselves for two hours straight) aren’t pointless exercises in solipsism--although you’d never admit it for fear of appearing pretentious, both of these films are pitch-perfect cinematic representations of your romantic ideal. You will attend graduate school, fade into the middle class, and one day find perfect happiness, which you will mistake for acid reflux.

If you picked #4: You’re a stoner, man. Party.

Finally, I want to recognize this unsung, uncredited Dazed and Confused cast member. 
She has no lines and I don't know if she's gone on to do much since 1993, but she was the best ketchup squeezer I'd ever seen and she'll always hold a special place in my heart.


nikki said...

I love this blog. I think I've made Kaye's point, and many others like it, several times.

Dazed & Confused is one of my favorite movies ever - yet I never think of it unless it's right in front of my face.

Jen said...

Amber, you rule. This might be your greatest post yet, and there have been some doozies.

I bow down to your awesome-ness.

Heather Taylor said...

Amber this post is an eternal win. One of my favorite movies ever and you treated it with respect and necessary humor. Bravo!

soft nonsense said...

What this post has taught me:

1) I have a severe identity crisis

2) I should really see Dazed and Confused

Jerry said...

This was just awesome.

Sadako said...

Great post. I wish I had seen D&C--I suck as a 90s kid, don't I? I promise, I'll do my homework--this weekend I'm going to finally see Can't Hardly Wait, the rest of the Scream Movies, and D&C.

Megs said...

A. This is the only movie where I thought Matthew McConnaghey had talent. Which is not to say I don't like him, I just now realize its not talent.

B. I am a tie between a pooka shell necklace and the soul pole.

C. I could not choose between the Gilligan's Island speech (description relatively accurate, actually) and Cynthia's speech (description somewhat accurate minus the non-fiction and the New Yorker cartoons.

Amiee said...

I am a woodshop bong and a shit talker. Oh yeah. Awesome post, I nearly bought D & C as part of a combo dvd yesterday. It was paired with Reality Bites, which I also love in an embarrassing way.

Kara said...

Man, how I loved D&C and I wasn't ever a stoner. Your posts always make me feel so nostalgic for the times way, way back in the day. :)

And for amusing me so much, I've given you a Sunshine Award, as cheesy as it is, at my blog today. Gotta keep passing them along, right?

Amber said...

Thanks everyone! It took me four million years to write this, so I really appreciate all of the compliments.

Soft Nonsense: You're still so young. I forgive you for never having seen this movie.

Sadako: Aaah! I can't believe you, of all people hasn't seen this one or Can't Hardly Wait! But I forgive you because you're awesome.

Megs: Matthew McConaughey is one of those people who plays himself in every movie. I think it's pretty rad that he has been able to get rich doing that.

Amiee: Reality Bites is a great movie--though, I feel like I'm supposed to think it's horrible--and in a lot of ways feels like a sequel to Dazed, so I can see why the two movies were paired up.

Kara: Thank you so much.

Sadako said...

Also I just realized--Trent has a soul patch?! But I hate soul patches. But he's my celeb cartoon crush! NOOOO!!!!

Christina In Wonderland said...

You know, I've never actually seen this movie, which is a shock even to me. It's now on my list of things I need to do, soonish.

Sassy said...

The ketchup squeezer is Renee Zellweger, dude! As if the movie could get even more awesome...

BeckEye said...

This was great. I love D&C.

I can't figure out why the random John Travolta question was thrown in there, though. Are you a Travolta fan or no? If no, I'll probably still read your blog but I'll be wearing a very sour expression the whole time.


I'm the woodshop bong....

And I picked #2!

I love your posts! I love this blog!!!!

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