Thursday, February 4, 2010

D2.5: The Mighty Ducks Face-Off

We all know that when the wind blows hard and the sky is black, Ducks fly together. But what if they didn’t? I’ve decided to destroy the flying "V" and everything it stands for and pit the kids from D2: The Mighty Ducks against each other.

The Ethnics
Jesse Hall vs. Russ Tyler vs. Luis Mendoza vs. Ken Wu




You have to applaud the Ducks for having the most ethnically diverse hockey team in the history of the sport and when it comes to the multi-cultural, four-way face-off that is Jesse v. Russ v. Luis v. Ken, the winner is Russ, all the way.

For a start, Luis doesn’t know how to stop, which is just stupid and probably warrants some investigation into the practices of the US Junior Olympic team selection committee. (Were they all just taken by how dreamboaty he is?) Anyway, he’s out.

Next there’s Ken Wu, whose appearance on the team begs the following: What’s up with putting figure skaters on hockey teams? Despite what The Cutting Edge, The Cutting Edge: Going for the Gold, and The Cutting Edge 3: Chasing the Dream might lead you to believe, there is actually a pretty big difference between competitive figure skating and competitive hockey. Wu can do a triple salchow or whatever and that’s awesome, but it doesn’t mean that he can play hockey. Added to that, he’s short. And being short is lame.

Then there’s Jesse, OG and one third of the "Oreo line" (Guy Germaine and Jesse’s brother, who’s inexplicably missing from D2, being the other two members). I think it’s safe to say that he added a certain brownness to an otherwise Caucasian team and with that brownness came a lot of attitude, as is often the case. But with this new monochromatic line-up, Jesse gets lost in the shuffle. He’s also dialed down his black kid sass, which isn’t helping matters (this probably has something to do with his missing brother, whom I’ve decided is dead).

Like Luis, Russ probably shouldn’t have been on the team (he’s from the roller hockey friendly streets of South Central LA and after meeting him during some quaint pick-up game, the kids decide to make him a Duck without any kind of formal tryout). So why is he ethnic kid supreme?

I’ve got two words for you.

Knuckle. Puck.

Need I say more?

Yes?

Well, sorry. I’m not going to.

The Girls

Connie Moreau vs. Julie "The Cat" Gaffney
I have no idea why Connie even exists and I honestly wouldn’t have cared if she (like Jesse’s brother and the other chick from the first movie) were unceremoniously cut from the team. She never does anything spectacular (save for saying something like, "I’m not a lady, I’m a duck") and wouldn’t be memorable is she weren’t a girl on a predominately male team. But seeing as she is a girl on a predominately male team, she and Julie, the new girl, must be compared and judged, not by the content of their character, but by the cuteness of their faces.

And whataya know? It’s a tie.

The only way to break a cuteness tie is to determine which girl looks more like Natalie Portman. So I think you’ll agree that the winner of this match-up is Ms. Julie.

The Classic Face-Off
Charlie Conway vs. Adam Banks

Charlie Conway, lousy with idealism, is paradoxically the embodiment of everything that’s wrong with kid oriented sports comedies and the reason why they’re so appealing to youngsters. While I whole-heartedly believe that kids should be kids and not tiny world-weary cynics, I also believe that talented, hardworking people should be rewarded for being talented and hardworking and excessively earnest, noble people very rarely win at any sport, hockey in particular.

After reading all of this, you probably think (1) I’m a sentence away from quoting Ayn Rand and (2) that I’d pick Banks over Charlie. Well you’re wrong on both counts. First of all, there will be no further mention of Ayn Rand on this blog (you’re welcome) and, more importantly, I choose Charlie. Sure he’s obnoxiously sincere and, other than his apparent mastery of the triple deke, his hockey skillz are debatable. But at the end of D2, with Banks’ sprained wrist conspicuously healed right before the final game against Iceland, Charlie steps up like a real muthaflippin’ prince and gives up his spot on the roster to make room for the more talented player.

So yeah, I want to punch him in the throat for always insisting that everyone be held accountable for their actions, whatever that means, but in the end, the kid’s sweet and selfless and that’s admirable. Besides, Banks is a cake eater. 

The Ultimate Question
Plane vs. Ducks
After the Ducks have won the gold (and right before they sing "We Are the Champions"), they fly home on a plane that magically morphs into a flock of flying ducks. No, not really. It’s just heavy-handed editing, meant to serve as a metaphor for birds and machines and man vs. himself vs. nature or some crap. But it got me thinking. Who would win in a fight? A plane or a duck? I still don’t know the answer to this one. What do you think?

7 comments:

Richard @ The Bewildered Brit said...

Awesome! And I appreciate the lack of Rand, too. :)

I Really Suck At This said...

Hilarious post! I loved this movie as a kid. I had a ridiculous crush on Cake-eater Banks. I didn't realize my Joshua Jackson love until Dawson's Creek.

Sadako said...

Loved it!

Was Russ Kenan from Kenan and Kel?

Amber said...

Sadako: Yup, Russ was Kenan from Kenan and Kel/Saturday Night Live.

Sadako said...

Awww, yeah! Now remind me, why didn't Kel ever obtain the same success as Kenan? Was it the addiction to orange soda holding him back?

Amber said...

Sadako: That's something that I've always wondered about. But yeah, I think you may be on to something with the orange soda thing.

Jonathon Moxon said...

Did not every 8 - 15 year old boy or lesbian want to bang Julie 'the cat' Gaffney?

I know I did.