Monday, October 3, 2011

I have a feeling that Abraham Lincoln was sexy under that top hat

Like everyone else, I often wonder what super intelligent and influential historical figures would look like with Ninja Turtle/True Blood abs. I drew the following sketches, first and foremost, to satisfy my curiosity but also realized that they could serve as a masturbatory aid for history buffs (history buff = person who gets his/her jollies by looking at olden days peeps naked). I have yet to encounter topless photos, paintings, or daguerreotypes of any of these men, so who's to say they didn't look like this? Seriously, WHO'S TO SAY??

Abe Lincoln
Abe was so studly that the people at the U.S. mint or department of the treasury or whatever were like, "we need to put this man's face on the $5 bill AND the penny!" And everyone in America was like, "that's a really good idea. You guys know what's up." 19th century a-hole, John Wilkes Booth, killed our second hot president (Franklin Pierce being the first) because he was jealous of Abe's beard-growing prowess. (Booth did have a douchey little mustache but every time he tried to grow a beard it would come in all patchy like Keanu Reeves's.)

Isaac Newton
Isaac Newton discovered apples and invented gravity. Despite being naturally sexy, he wore a wig because he was self-conscious about his unconventional good looks. In terms of hotness, Isaac Newton was the Alan Rickman of the late-17th/early-18th century. In terms of cleverness, Isaac Newton was the Isaac Newton of the late-17th/early-18th century.

Nikola Tesla
Tesla was a Serbian immigrant who came to America because he thought it would be a good time but then had all of his brilliant ideas stolen by Thomas Edison, history's biggest prick. One time, Tesla sent 200,000 volts of electricity through his body just for the hell of it and everyone watching was like, "OMG, Tesla! That was frickin' sweet!" Eventually, he became David Bowie and helped Hugh Jackman clone himself. Christian Bale ended up being hanged in jail but it was OK 'cause he had a twin brother. Michael Caine was there too. 

Frederick Douglass
Frederick Douglass was born a slave but escaped to the North where people were more willing to accept how badass he was. He wrote Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, an American Slave and some white people were like, "there's no way a black man could've written that." Douglass was pretty chill and was just like, "I'm super smart, I totally wrote this book, stop being so racist." In time, he became buds with Abe Lincoln and the two of them would just hang out and try to figure out how to make the country better. The cool thing about their relationship was that Douglass never kissed Abe's ass; he always called the President out on his shit and Abe respected that about him.

 Edgar Allan Poe
Edgar Allan Poe was such a weirdo. He married his 13-year-old first cousin.

Johannes Kepler
Johannes Kepler was a German astronomer whose neck was so sexy that he had to keep it covered at all times lest he incite a wave of spontaneous orgasming. For a while, he worked with Tycho Brahe who is famous for holding his pee for too long and then dying. After Brahe died, Kepler took his place as imperial mathematician--a job that sounds kind of awesome and mystical but really just means that he was the Holy Roman Empire's preeminent nerd.

Lewis and Clark

Lewis and Clark worked for the Daily Planet. Clark was secretly Superman. Sometimes they hung out with Sacagawea.


Kayleigh said...

I wish this was how my teacher taught our class about important people throughout history. Its must more interesting when you put it that way.

Munk said...

Here's to hoping your curiosity is never fully satisfied.

No doubt Edison was a prick... with all that perspiration and all, but history's biggest?

Word verification: "amiard"

Megs said...

I can't decide if I'm revolted or turned on. This cannot be healthy.

On the other hand, I'm guessing Frederick Douglass looked JUST. LIKE. THAT. And I'm impressed with your historical figure drawing skills.

LadyJ3000 said...

Notsomanic...making historical figures sexy since 2011.

Ashley Ashbee said...

You're too funny! Can't say I've wondered what these historical figures looked like topless, but let's hope your imagining is correct.

Erin likes it hot. said...

Are you an art student? I love your drawings! I keep pimpin your blog like it's going to get me laid.
Man, the Isaac one was probably my fave. I look forward to your blog like no other on my list. (Unless you are motivated more by haters in which case, stop writing, Paul Riser Rule!)

Shannon said...

Hahahahahahaahaha....I can honestly say that is the first time I had dirty thoughts about honest abe. Thank you. I think??

Amber said...

Kayleigh: I have a feeling that i'm going to end up teaching one day and this is exactly how I'll present the material to my students.

Munk: I stick by the statement. There are a lot of evil dudes in history. Some jerks, assholes, etc. But I think that Edison is the very epitome of a prick.

Megs: You're turned on.

Erin: I do take art classes but I've only been doing that for a couple of months. Thanks for pimping my blog. If there does in fact come a time where I can somehow use nostomanic to get you laid, I'd definitely do it.

Erin likes it hot. said...

Fear Street said...

This is awesome, yea verily.

Abe Lincoln is my favorite dead man of all time.

Nicole said...

This is like that naked D'Angelo video from back in the day, except with old timey dead dudes. Still, the effect is the same -- I want to see what's just below the waist. Next time....go lower. ;-)

S. said...

I can't get over how much I love this. Abe WAS a stud. <3

Eleni said...

Hahaha! I love that Kepler still gets to wear his ruff.

Amiee said...

I always had a soft spot for Abe, being a fellow aquarian and all but now also for his rocking bod.

cherrystone said...

omg!!!:D @KAYLEIGH you´re right

Simon said...

All that? Legit.