Monday, October 3, 2011
I have a feeling that Abraham Lincoln was sexy under that top hat
Like everyone else, I often wonder what super intelligent and influential historical figures would look like with Ninja Turtle/True Blood abs. I drew the following sketches, first and foremost, to satisfy my curiosity but also realized that they could serve as a masturbatory aid for history buffs (history buff = person who gets his/her jollies by looking at olden days peeps naked). I have yet to encounter topless photos, paintings, or daguerreotypes of any of these men, so who's to say they didn't look like this? Seriously, WHO'S TO SAY??
Abe LincolnAbe was so studly that the people at the U.S. mint or department of the treasury or whatever were like, "we need to put this man's face on the $5 bill AND the penny!" And everyone in America was like, "that's a really good idea. You guys know what's up." 19th century a-hole, John Wilkes Booth, killed our second hot president (Franklin Pierce being the first) because he was jealous of Abe's beard-growing prowess. (Booth did have a douchey little mustache but every time he tried to grow a beard it would come in all patchy like Keanu Reeves's.)
Isaac NewtonIsaac Newton discovered apples and invented gravity. Despite being naturally sexy, he wore a wig because he was self-conscious about his unconventional good looks. In terms of hotness, Isaac Newton was the Alan Rickman of the late-17th/early-18th century. In terms of cleverness, Isaac Newton was the Isaac Newton of the late-17th/early-18th century.
Tesla was a Serbian immigrant who came to America because he thought it would be a good time but then had all of his brilliant ideas stolen by Thomas Edison, history's biggest prick. One time, Tesla sent 200,000 volts of electricity through his body just for the hell of it and everyone watching was like, "OMG, Tesla! That was frickin' sweet!" Eventually, he became David Bowie and helped Hugh Jackman clone himself. Christian Bale ended up being hanged in jail but it was OK 'cause he had a twin brother. Michael Caine was there too.
Frederick Douglass was born a slave but escaped to the North where people were more willing to accept how badass he was. He wrote Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, an American Slave and some white people were like, "there's no way a black man could've written that." Douglass was pretty chill and was just like, "I'm super smart, I totally wrote this book, stop being so racist." In time, he became buds with Abe Lincoln and the two of them would just hang out and try to figure out how to make the country better. The cool thing about their relationship was that Douglass never kissed Abe's ass; he always called the President out on his shit and Abe respected that about him.
Edgar Allan Poe
Edgar Allan Poe was such a weirdo. He married his 13-year-old first cousin.
Johannes Kepler was a German astronomer whose neck was so sexy that he had to keep it covered at all times lest he incite a wave of spontaneous orgasming. For a while, he worked with Tycho Brahe who is famous for holding his pee for too long and then dying. After Brahe died, Kepler took his place as imperial mathematician--a job that sounds kind of awesome and mystical but really just means that he was the Holy Roman Empire's preeminent nerd.
Lewis and Clark
Lewis and Clark worked for the Daily Planet. Clark was secretly Superman. Sometimes they hung out with Sacagawea.