Thursday, February 24, 2011

Newsies is better than Citizen Kane--Put that in your pape and smoke it!**UPDATE**

The #1 movie on the American Film Institute's "Top 100" list is Citizen Kane. And how did Disney's live-action musical Newsies rate? It isn't even on the list, my friends. Well, I'm calling shenanigans on AFI and all 1500 of the film artists, critics, and historians who compile their lists because not only is Newsies a far superior depiction of the late 19th century/early 20th century newspaper industry and "yellow journalism" or whatever, but it's also just unmistakably better than Citizen Kane* in almost every imaginable way. Citizen Kane, ha! More like Citizen Lame!

  • Citizen Kane is so old! Like, seriously. It isn't even in color. What the hell?

Newsies, on the other hand, was filmed in 1992 and is in color and therefore, automatically, less boring for me to watch.

  • In Citizen Kane, newspapers abound, but no one calls them "papes." Fact: calling newspapers "newspapers" or even "papers" is so dumb, calling newspapers "papes" is cool (and clearly more time efficient).

  • In Citizen Kane, artsy or "clever" camera shots and angles are used to mask a lack of singing and dancing, ergo, the movie is tedious to the point of being a piece of crap.

  • There isn't a single cast member from the 90s Nickelodeon variety show, Roundhouse, in Citizen Kane, whereas Newsies has four.

(Here's another picture for those of you who aren't Newsies scholars/as eagle-eyed as I am/enthusiastic about finding Roundhouse cast members in movies.)
Of course I understand that Roundhouse wasn't around in 1941, but that's no excuse, as far as I'm concerned. 

  • Bill Pullman is sexier than Orson Welles.

Yes, Welles does have a certain Vincent D'Onofrio quality about him but he just doesn't do anything for me. Pullman, though...well, I guess I've always been into men who look like they could be a friend's dad.

  • Newsies helped me pass my AP U.S. History exam, while Citizen Kane has yet to prove its usefulness.

Not only did I pass, but I got a "4" (which is pretty good). Thanks to the statue that appears at the beginning of the movie, I was able to answer the Horace Greeley multiple-choice question correctly. Boo-yah!

  • Citizen Kane misrepresents the power, or lack thereof, of pape headlines. 

  • And finally, Christian Bale is a better actor than Orson Welles. Yeah, I said it.

At the very least, Bale is more committed to his craft than Welles. Do you think that Christian Bale knew how to dance before he stepped onto the set of Newsies? No, he didn't. But he broke it down anyway.

In Citizen Kane, Orson Welles ages from the beginning of the movie to the end of it. This is accomplished through the use of makeup. But if Christian Bale were to play a character who started off as a young man and progressively got older over the course of the film, he would literally force his body to age 20 or 30 years. 

In summation, Newsies is rad, Citizen Kane sucks, and any of AFI's esteemed film experts who also happen to be members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences can partially redeem themselves in my eyes by giving Christian Bale an Academy Award this Sunday. 

*I haven't necessarily or even actually seen Citizen Kane.

Suddenly/I'm respectable/staring right at 'cha/ lousy with stature...Victory!/ front page story/ guts and glory/ I'm the king of New York!


Megs said...

You lost me at Bill Pullman being sexier than Orson Welles (or being sexy at all), but you got me back with Christian Bale.

Christian Bale dancing is just a bonus. It will bring a whole new perspective to American Psycho and Batman to remember Christian Bale breaking it down in Newsies.


Tizz said...

HAHAHA oh god I'm going to get fired for cracking up at work. True story, I couldn't figure out Christian Bale's name at first back in the day and got him confused with Robert Duvall (his name was listed first since he was a more legit actor at the time)and I may or may not have said that Robert Duvall was hot, thinking that was Christian Bale's name. Still haven't lived it down. Either way, NEWSIES FOREVER.

melydia said...

I....I think I love you. And Newsies. And Roundhouse. whole blog, really. I was referred by @mysterymoor on Twitter and man, I'm so glad she did.

erin said...

I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT NEWSIES! Christian Bale is one of my favorite actors too. haha.

Great Post, thanks!

Amiee said...

I share the Bill love!
And Christian Bale dancing, who knew? Break it down Batdude.

Jennifer Louise said...

Ahh this post make me laugh.

Must watch Newsies now!!

beanditch said...

Oh, Amber. I am so with you on the Bill Pullman lovin'! I feel like we would make great friends. We could eat burritos all day, cmake crafts, and reminisce about the 90s... It'd be rad, for sure!

thatissophat said...

I need to watch Citizen Kane because I could not get through it the first time. Bored to death.

The Shanner of Attention said...

Christian Bale is everywhere.

I refuse to watch any movie prior to 1996 so I haven't seen either, but I like dancing boys so I think I agree with you.

Ali said...

Whenever my life gets me so down
I know I can go down
to where nostalgia and the fun never ends
as long as the posts keep displaying
you know what I'm sayin'
I know that I can find a la-aaa-aaa-augh

down at the Nostomanic.

Barbara said...

Newsies is awesome! Love this post :)

Amber said...

Megs: Perhaps Pullman is an acquired taste...? I don't know. And there's that one scene in American Psycho where Christian Bale dances to "hip to be square." I'm sure he applied what he learned on the set of newsies.

Tizz: Hahahahaha! That's freaking hilarious!

Melydia: Aw, thanks! I think I love you too!

Erin: Christian Bale is also one of my favorite actors. Keep your fingers crossed for this Sunday!

Amiee: Glad i'm not the only one who's into Bill.

beanditch: I'm 100 percent sure we'd have a totally awesome time together.

thatissophat: Don't do it! Just re-watch Newsies instead.

Shanner: Oh no, you're missing out. 1995 was like the best movie year.

Ali: Ahhhhhhhh!! I love you for that. I'm gonna go watch some Roundhouse on the youtubes now.

C said...

So, um...just gave you a shout out.

Just so you know!

Sada said...

If there are no crippled newsboys in Citizen Kane, then you can count me the frig out. Let's (not) do it for Crutchy!*

*Okay, truth? Spot Conlon is actually my favorite pape-slinger. Crutchy's kind of an asshat.

SP said...

You're totally right. There is no way Christian Bale would stand for faux makeup aging.

Missed Periods said...

I was so robbed. We watched Citizen Kane in my junior high Journalism class instead of Newsies. Of course I understand that Newsies wasn't around in
1989, but that's no excuse as far as I'm concerned.

Georgina Dollface said...

Yes! Finally a worthy opponent to knock CK off it's San Simian Ivory tower! Very good choice. Actually anything with Christian Bale in it is a good choice. Although that beard he was wearing at the Oscars just has to go. Yuck.Incidentally the close-up moustache shot in CK always grossed me out too. - G

Jen said...

I don't know how I missed this when you posted it but:


seriously. I snorted coffee out my nose (ouch). Totally a friend's dad! The attraction makes so much sense now.

Margaret said...

I seriously found out about five minutes ago that the "You'll steal anudder!"/"How 'bout a crooked pol-i-tic-ian?" kid is my friend's big brother, which made me more excited than when I met Leonard Nimoy. That's how much I love Newsies.