Sunday, July 11, 2010

Peters I Want to Marry, Peters I Want to High Five, Peters I Want to Uppercut

If your name is Peter, your name is also...kind of...penis. No offense, but it's true. If your name is Peter O' Toole, your name is redundant. 

Over the years, I've learned a couple of things about Peters. First, for whatever reason, there are very few non-Caucasian ones. And second, they can be divided into three groups: (1) Peters that I want to marry (2) Peters that I want to high five (3) Peters that I want to tiger uppercut a la Sagat in Street Fighter II. 

Peters I Want to Marry

1. Peter Sellers
English comedian; original Inspector Clouseau; precursor to Eddie Murphy, Mike Myers and other actors who've attempted to play every role in a single movie. 
In addition to being my favorite dead comedian, Peter Sellers was a glasses wearer. I've said it here before, but it bares repeating: I'm a sucker for spectacles. And if you (whether you be man or woman or some combination of the two genders) don't fall in love with Mr. Sellers after watching this scene from Kubrick's Lolita then...then...that's cool, I guess. But my heart was forever altered by it.

2. Peter Sarsgaard
Actor; has three "A"s in his last name, Maggie Gyllenhaal's hubs.
There's something about this man's speaking voice that causes the most intriguing things to happen in my lady regions.

3. Peter Krause
 Actor; one of four hot guys on "Six Feet Under."
This dude's cute. Straight up.

4. Pete Wrigley (the elder)
Ginger; has the same name as his little brother; friend of Mr. Tastee.
Pete is sweet, introspective, and freckled--three qualities that I admire in a man.

5. Peter Dinklage
Awesome actor; kills it in every movie.

6. Peter Brady
Second eldest son and third eldest child on the "Brady Bunch;" pork chops and applesauce.
I didn't grow up in the 70s, so I'm not exactly sure why Greg Brady was supposed to be the heartthrob of the titular bunch--Peter was clearly the cutest. 

7. Peter Cook
English comedian; "Impressive Clergyman" in The Princess Bride; less successful in America than his comedy partner, Dudley Moore, despite being ten times funnier.
My second favorite dead comedian, Peter Cook was lanky, clever, and looked a bit like George Harrison--the hotness trifecta. After watching the original 1967 Bedazzled, I wore red socks every day for about a month. I also wanted to dance around Mr. Cook and praise him, telling him how beautiful he was, how wise he was, how handsome, that sort of thing. Only I couldn't because he was dead.  

Peters I Want to High Five

1. Peter Piper
One of the many alliteratively named Peters; picker of pecks of pickled peppers.
This guy knows how to party.

2. Peter Mayhew
If you don't want to high five Chewbacca, there's something wrong with you.

3. Peter Boyle
Ray's curmudgeony father on "Everybody Loves Raymond."
Young Frankenstein is one of the funniest movies to ever exist in the history of the universe and, I don't care what anyone else thinks, "Everybody Loves Raymond" was funny as hell. When he wasn't busy being hilarious, Peter Boyle was kicking it with John Lennon and starring in one of the best episodes of "The X-Files." 

4. Saint Peter
AKA "The Rock;" holds the keys to Heaven
Probably best not to say that I want to uppercut the guy who guards the Pearly Gates.

5. Peter Cetera
The epitome of light rock; has mastered the art of making me feel uncomfortable whenever I watch him dance. 
So Peter Cetera is lame-ish but he's also the kind of man who will fight for your honor, he's willing to be the hero you've been dreaming of. He's the kind of man you can live with forever, knowing together, that you did it all for the glory of love. 

6. Peter Lorre
Charlie Chaplin called him the greatest living actor (note: both Charlie Chaplin and Peter Lorre are currently dead).
We freakishly big-eyed people need to stick together.

7. Peter Venkman
Bustin' makes him feel good. 
I'll high five Peter after I make out with Egon.

Peters I Want to Uppercut

1. Peter Parker
Teenage loser; turned into a "spider man" after being bitten by a radioactive spider.
If Peter Parker were bitten by an entire colony of radioactive spiders, would he die or become more spidery? Anyway, this guy sucks. Worst. Peter. Ever.

2. Peter Rabbit
Likes to creep people out by wearing human clothes.
Technically, I don't want to uppercut this tiny little bunny, but he makes me nervous. So if he could just be kept away from me, that would be fine. 

3. Pete Doherty
Musician (kind of)
The summer after my freshman year of college, I listened to this one Libertines CD every-day-all-day. So there's a part of me that wants to high five Mr. Doherty. But then I remember that he once squirted his own blood at someone with a syringe and I (a) want to vomit and (b) want to uppercut him.

4. Peter Petrelli
Unassuming hospice nurse turned super hero
Ugh. I mainly want to uppercut this dude because of that stupid strand of hair that was always dangling in his face but he was also a total goody goody. I like my heroes douchey, like Batman as portrayed by Christian Bale. 

5. Pete Campbell
One of the ad men on "Mad Men"
Do you know what this guy's middle name is? Dyckman. I think that says it all.

6. Pete Wrigley (the younger)
Ginger; friend of Artie, the strongest the world.
Am I the only one who thought this kid was obnoxious? He also sort of looked like he didn't bathe very often.

7. Pete Best
Original Beatles drummer.
Pete Best? More like Pete not the Best.

8. Peter Pan
Just some dude; makes peanut butter.
I rep Sherwood Forest and this guy stole Robin Hood's look. Not cool, man. Not cool.

9. Peter Peter Pumpkin-Eater
Had a wife and couldn't keep her.
I'm pretty sure that putting your wife in a giant pumpkin shell and then forcing her to live there counts as domestic abuse. 


RMb said...

hahaha, this is great!! i agree with you about peter cook: comedic genius. bedazzled is one of my favorite movies of all time.

No One Reads The Copy said...

"More like Peter not the Best"??

L.O.F.L!!! I literally did. Hilarious.

Wendy Ramer said...

Very funny. My best friend would love this post since her ex-husband, present live-in boyfriend AND his son are all Peters...and dicks in their own way.

Simon said...

Then again, Pete Doherty kicks ass if you're not standing near him...also, he and Carl Barat got the best bromance going on since John and Paul.

Otherwise, everything else is good.

TbR said...

I bow to your judgement of all things Peter.

Peter Rabbit also makes me nervous - any animal that looks too human makes me uncomfortable. That's why I don't like chimps - they know too much.

The other problem with animals that wear clothes is that they very rarely cover their bottom half which is, in my opinion, disgraceful.

BeckEye said...

What about Peter of Peter, Paul and Mary? He doesn't rate?

I guess I like Peter Sellers just fine (never was into The Pink Panther series) but I didn't enjoy Lolita that much. It's one of my favorite books and the movie just couldn't come close to matching its brilliance. It wasn't horrible; it was just kind of a let-down.

Barbara said...

I always got the "I don't bathe often" vibe from the younger Pete on Pete and Pete as well. The kid just looked dirty all the time.

herald7 said...

Definitely agree with a lot of these; especially Peter Lorre. As you say, those eyes, hehe.

Here are my Lorre-related Blog entries btw, hehe:

Amiee said...

I would love to high five Chewbacca.

Lorelai said...

Is the Pete Wrigley actor the guy who played Kevin's brother (Jeff, not Buzz) in Home Alone? And if it is, does recognising him make me the saddest person in the world or the awesomest?

Boonsong said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Boonsong said...

Glad to see that you mentioned Peter Cook - an amazing talent.

But you neglected 3 of my favourite Peters:-
Peter Queue - the two letter alphabet guy
Peter the Corn Curer - who led a small band of chiropidists from Normandy into Sussex, England despite the opposition of Harold who kept had been keeping an eye out for them,
and Peter Heater - the microwavable fur lined sock

Have a nice day, Boonsong

Boonsong said...

I forgot to mention - great post. Thanks for this.

Have a nice day again, Boonsong

Margaret said...

I have actually High Fived Peter Mayhew at almost every SDCC I've ever been to, and his hand?

Is twice the size of my head.

I might be exaggerating a little, but not much.

Megs said...

I think that Peter Dinklage also has the Peter O'Toole problem. Because...dink.

Peter Boyle is awesome.

Peter Pan is freaking creepy and someone NEEDS to uppercut him.

Also, thanks for getting "The Glory of Love" stuck in my head. You can't sing that without dramatic gestures and fake voice, you just can't. And now my office thinks I'm totally crazy.

Hipstercrite said...

i love that peter sellers was the first one to be listed, because let's admit it, he's not only the best peter who ever lived, but possibly the best man who ever lived. PERIOD. and i will argue anyone to the death about that.

i also have a thing for men with glasses....which often gets me in trouble. you can be boring/irresponsible/noncommittal as shit, and i will still love you if you have glasses.

MC said...

I am a straight guy and I get the Saarsgard thing. Just sayin'

nikki said...

Yay for the Peter Dinklage love! He was amazing in The Station Agent and I've made sure to see all his movies since then.

Also, where does Peter Griffin stand?

P said...

Hahahaha! Love this post! And the last line about Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater cracked me up bigtime.

Millions Of Atoms Man said...

What about Petey from the Little Rascals? High-five because of the drawn-on circle around his eye.

Oh, apologies in advance, I tagged you for a silly QA thing.

Kylee said...

I am obsessed with Sarsgaard. obsessed.

When I was a youngster watching nick at night I was obsessed with Brady.

and as much as I hate Pete Campbell, I love Vincent Kartheiser, he's man pretty. Mad Men season 3 marathon this Sunday. WOOHOO

Angie said...

How do you feel about Facinelli?

Sadako said...

And let's not forget Peter Hatcher, Fudge's older oft overlooked brother.

Heather Taylor said...

Peter Sarsgaard, mmm yes indeed.
Thanks for including douche and a half Pete Campbell on your list.

Katie Gates said...

Just came over here from WOW. What a great find you are! Funny and original! I'm following.

Danaconda said...

There's also Petey the parakeet from Dumb & Dumber - I guess animals don't count but I love that movie and for some weird reason this entry got me thinking about it.

Harry Dunn: "It's Petey...he's dead. His head fell off!"

Amber said...

TbR: I've never understood the lack of pants on anthropomorphized animals. If you're going to cover anything it should probably be the lower half.

BeckEye: Peter of Peter, Paul, and Mary gets a high five, for sure.

Lorelai: You definitely aren't weird or anything for knowing that Pete Wrigley was Kevin's brother from Home Alone. It actually makes you awesome.

Boonsong: I think you know more about Peters than I do. I've never heard of any of the people/things you mentioned. I'm going to have to do some googling now.

Megs: I've had The Glory of Love stuck in my head for the past month or so and I thought it crucial that everyone who reads this blog have it stuck in their head as well. It's part of my community building strategy.

Hipstercrite: Peter Sellers was the first Peter that popped into my mind, even before Peter Pan. I think it's because he's the Peter nearest and dearest to my heart.

MC: Sarsgaard's hotness spans all sexual orientations.

nikki: I debated about whether or not I should put Peter Griffin on this list. In the end I left him off. There are moments when I could high five him but mostly I want to uppercut him, especially during that "bird is the word" episode, which I didn't find remotely funny. Really though, I should probably be uppercutting Seth MacFarlane because he's responsible.

Millions of Atoms Man: Petey gets a high five and a snuggle. I love him for being a dog-dog and a creepy anthropomorphized dog.

Kylee: Yeah, I have the like-Vincent Kartheiser, hate-Pete Campbell thing. I used to have a ton of Vincent Kartheiser BOP pin ups in my room back in the day.

Angie: I'd high five Facinelli. I went to this convention and he was there. He autographed a photo for my mom who is Twilight-obsessed. So I think the guy's cool.

Sadako: How could i forget Peter Hatcher? I used to love Fudge.

Katie: Thank you so much for visiting. Hope you continue to enjoy the blog.

Danaconda: Dumb and Dumber is secretly my mother's favorite movie. She'd be upset to see that I left Petey off the list, I'm sure.

Benny said...

Great list!
I'm constantly disappointed by the lack of name recognition for both Dinklage and Cook.
I'm disappointed to see no O'Toole, though, despite the fact that his name is Penis O'Penis.

Missed Periods said...

I always thought Peter Brady was the cutest too.

Christina In Wonderland said...

The one about Peter Pumpkin Eater made me bust a gut. Ah... *dramatic happy sigh*

Katie Fries said...

Love the Peter Rabbit inclusion. I was *just* reading some Beatrix Potter books to my kids and thinking man, she must have been one somewhat off-balance lady to have drawn so many animals in human clothing.

And I may be the only person I know who LOVES Pete Campbell. Yes, he is a douche. But I love the way he so easily slips from being completly normal (though always with an undercurrent of douche) to IRRATIONAL UNHINGED OUTRAGE. Pete Campbell is often quoted in our home.

MJenks said...

I spent most of my youth loving Spider-Man.

That being said, you're right. Peter Parker is a douche. I'm certain he spent many a night masturbating behind the half-drawn shades of his bedroom while listening to Mary Jane fight with her father...

spitonthestreet said...

I have no idea why I don't stalk your blog religiously.. after reading this I am going to have to start.

you. are. hilarious.

the end.

Therese said...

What, No Peter O'Toole?! But I love many of these Peters and am enjoying your blog! Great Job! Love Peter Cook! Have you heard of Beyond The Fringe? (no doubt an inspiration to Monty Python) Enjoying your blog,Thanks!