Friday, February 12, 2010
To All the Nerds I've Loved Before
Growing up, I was kind of a jockette but I’ve always been intensely attracted to nerds. (And when I say "nerds" I’m not talking about modern, meta-nerds. I’m talking about guys who rock Star Wars t-shirts sans irony, who wear glasses, not because it’s a trendy thing to do, but because they have horrible vision.) In honor of St. Valentine, cupid, and all things lovey dovey, I’ve listed a few of my nerdiest dream dates.
Dr. Egon Spengler-Ghostbusters
He has a sly, mischievous smile that kills me--KILLS ME!--every time I watch him bustin’ ghosts. I imagine the two of us in a jacuzzi full of Stay Puft marshmallows, wearing nothing but our sweater vests, discussing ectoplasm and the oeuvre of Ray Parker Jr.
Bill Haverchuck-Freaks and Geeks
So delicate, so spindly, so glasses-wearing! He’s my precious, lanky Fabergé egg nerd. On our date, we eschew all physical activity and sit in front of an early 1980s wood-paneled Zenith television set, watching vintage "Saturday Night Live." I dazzle him with my Father Guido Sarducci impression while he holds me in his sublimely bony arms.
Ronald Miller-Can’t Buy Me Love
I’m a sucker for a scrawny body, a head of curls, and a big-ish nose. I see the two of us riding Ronald’s lawnmower to the planetarium, just cruising at a very romantic 5 MPH. The cars behind us honk, the drivers scream out obscenities, but we just laugh. They don’t understand love like ours--love that defies traffic laws, love full of visits to the planetarium, love that money can’t buy.
Donatello-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Brains, brawn, greenness. Donatello’s got it all. On our date, we eat pizza after pizza after pizza, which gets us talking about pie and then Pi. "3.1415926535897," I whisper seductively and then disrobe. "Cowabunga," he says. "Cow-a-bung-a!"
George McFly-Back to the Future
I know that beneath that bashful, unassuming exterior lies a slightly less bashful, unassuming man. I picture the two of us sitting on opposite sides of a room, exchanging shy smiles, while we write each other poems that we’re too afraid to recite. Eventually, I drop my pen (on purpose), he scurries across the room to retrieve it, and when he hands it to me we instantly understand that he is my density and I his.
Dwayne Wayne-A Different World
Proto-Kanye-hipster nerd, I love thine flip-up glasses and rhyming name! I envision the two of us huddled together in my boudoir, wearing Hillman College sweatshirts, and flirtatiously reading aloud from our human sexuality textbooks. Finally, I take off my spectacles and place them over Dwayne’s flip-up glasses, "I can see so clearly now that I’m essentially wearing three pairs of glasses," he says, suddenly struck by my loveliness, "and at this moment, here with you, I feel as though I’m in a different world than where I come from."