Friday, February 12, 2010

To All the Nerds I've Loved Before

Growing up, I was kind of a jockette but I’ve always been intensely attracted to nerds. (And when I say "nerds" I’m not talking about modern, meta-nerds. I’m talking about guys who rock Star Wars t-shirts sans irony, who wear glasses, not because it’s a trendy thing to do, but because they have horrible vision.) In honor of St. Valentine, cupid, and all things lovey dovey, I’ve listed a few of my nerdiest dream dates.

Dr. Egon Spengler-Ghostbusters

He has a sly, mischievous smile that kills me--KILLS ME!--every time I watch him bustin’ ghosts. I imagine the two of us in a jacuzzi full of Stay Puft marshmallows, wearing nothing but our sweater vests, discussing ectoplasm and the oeuvre of Ray Parker Jr.

Bill Haverchuck-Freaks and Geeks

So delicate, so spindly, so glasses-wearing! He’s my precious, lanky Fabergé egg nerd. On our date, we eschew all physical activity and sit in front of an early 1980s wood-paneled Zenith television set, watching vintage "Saturday Night Live." I dazzle him with my Father Guido Sarducci impression while he holds me in his sublimely bony arms.

Ronald Miller-Can’t Buy Me Love

I’m a sucker for a scrawny body, a head of curls, and a big-ish nose. I see the two of us riding Ronald’s lawnmower to the planetarium, just cruising at a very romantic 5 MPH. The cars behind us honk, the drivers scream out obscenities, but we just laugh. They don’t understand love like ours--love that defies traffic laws, love full of visits to the planetarium, love that money can’t buy.

Donatello-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Brains, brawn, greenness. Donatello’s got it all. On our date, we eat pizza after pizza after pizza, which gets us talking about pie and then Pi. "3.1415926535897," I whisper seductively and then disrobe. "Cowabunga," he says. "Cow-a-bung-a!"

George McFly-Back to the Future

I know that beneath that bashful, unassuming exterior lies a slightly less bashful, unassuming man. I picture the two of us sitting on opposite sides of a room, exchanging shy smiles, while we write each other poems that we’re too afraid to recite. Eventually, I drop my pen (on purpose), he scurries across the room to retrieve it, and when he hands it to me we instantly understand that he is my density and I his.

Dwayne Wayne-A Different World

Proto-Kanye-hipster nerd, I love thine flip-up glasses and rhyming name! I envision the two of us huddled together in my boudoir, wearing Hillman College sweatshirts, and flirtatiously reading aloud from our human sexuality textbooks. Finally, I take off my spectacles and place them over Dwayne’s flip-up glasses, "I can see so clearly now that I’m essentially wearing three pairs of glasses," he says, suddenly struck by my loveliness, "and at this moment, here with you, I feel as though I’m in a different world than where I come from."


Angie said...

Love it! How do you feel about Anthony Edwards in Revenge of the Nerds?

nikki said...

I love nerds! I'd totally do Giles before I'd do Angel or Xander!

Amber said...

Angie: Anthony Edwards was definitely the most adorable of the Revenge of the Nerds nerds, but he's so cute in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, that that would probably be the one case where I'd chose a surfer/burn-out over a nerd.

Nikki: Ah, I forgot all about Giles! I might do another one of these that's just devoted to nerds with english accents.

P.B. said...

Ah, Ronald Miller... most adorable nerd of all time.

Tina K said...

For the most part, anyone named Egon is worth lusting over.

I've always had a thing for Arvid from Head of the Class.

Sadako said...

Always loved George McFly.

Though my fave of the freaks and geeks crowd was Neal's older nebbishy brother. Yum yum GIMME SOME.

My first nerd crush though was Billy the Blue Ranger. Affirmative indeed...

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Hahahaha, "sublimely bony arms" is just poetic. I hope a Rubik's Cube featured somewhere in your Freaks & Geeks fantasy.

RAY J said...

I loooooooooved Freaks and Geeks!

Denise said...

All of these are trumped by Jerry Steiner from Parker Lewis Can't Lose and Wesley Crusher from Star Trek: the Next Generation.

Amber said...

Tina K: I liked Arvid too! But I think I was more interested in Eric and then Billy when he became their teacher.

Sadako: I have absolutely no recollection of Neal's brother. I'm going to have to consult my Freaks and Geeks DVDs and check this guy out.

Vegetable Assassin: Every fantasy I have, nerdy or otherwise, features a Rubik's Cube!

Denise: For some reason I've never considered Mr. Crusher a nerd, but you're right, he is and he's also super adorable.

I Really Suck At This said...

I love Dwayne Wayne. I was also a big fan of Data from Goonies and Whiz from Kidd Video. As far as modern day shows go, I have an inappropriate crush on Zack from Bones.

I Really Suck At This said...

Oh! And Simon was always my favorite chipmunk.

miss. chief said...

*sigh* I had such a crush on Egon.

But what about Erkel? Remember when he drank that potion or something and became all suave? Ohh yeah. Jaleel White. Dayammmm

Amiee said...

Laughed out loud at the pi and pie reference! I always liked Raphael best though, but he was no nerd.

walkingonsunshine18 said...

I love Bill Haverchuck, especially when he dressed up as the bionic woman! LOL

John said...

Yeah, Dwayne Wayne really morphed into a hipster and he was definitely a prototype for the now upscale, suave nerd.

No One Reads The Copy said...

I love that you admit to having crushes on cartoons. I was more of a Raphael girl myself. (it explains why I still like cocky men). There's a penis joke there somewhere. Fitting that my verification word to post a comment is, no lie, "boner".

Also, had an enormous crush on Gambit. And Darien from Sailor Moon. (But not when he was the Moonlight Knight.)

Just want to say, I LOVE your blog. You're really very funny.

RMb said...

i recently found your blog & i just had to say that
1: it's nine levels of awesome
2: my husband looks like crispin glover & when i told him this (on the night i met him) not only did he know who i was talking about, but he took it as the compliment i intended it to be.

ps. what are your thoughts on the main characters on Big Bang Theory? Yeah, the producers are kind of cashing in on the whole "geeky is sexy" thing, but you have to admit: they nailed it.. :)

Margaret said...

No one I know (other than my sister) ever seems to remember A Different World. I LOVED THAT SHOW. BUt all anyone ever wants to talk about is Fresh Prince.