Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Vintage Amber

I remember myself being this pint-sized wunderkind but every essay, test, journal entry, etc. from my formative years suggests otherwise. This letter to God was tucked into the pocket of my ninth grade binder. I would’ve been thirteen years old at the time.

As I’ve mentioned before, I went to Catholic school, which explains why the letter is addressed to the Lord but I was still very new to Catholicism, which explains why I’m asking God to hook me up with some guy.

I’ve chosen to abbreviate the name of my beloved for sociological reasons but I’ve maintained all of the original spelling/grammatical errors and annotated the whole blasphemous debacle.

Pay special attention to the rapid disintegration of my mood.

Dear God,

Today was the coolest day of the school year yet. We had an activity schedule. So that means a modified day. Because it was the junior americana fair. I almost caught a fish (1). We played our instruments in front of the school (2). And I believe I saw P. scoping me out (3) a few times (got to be optimistic sometimes)(4) Angela and Allison thought they saw him looking too, but I don’t know. He is so cute. I love his deep voice. It’s so cute (5)!

Then after school I went to a football game. It was boring and the team we were rooting for lost, but I got to be with all my friends. I saw one of my best friends, Robert (6). The only bad things that happened were that my other close friend Allison didn’t come to the game. And that the guy my best friend is in "Love" with got a concusion. All in all it way a pretty good day. So God thank you. But one thing. P. might have gone to the dance and I’m afraid if he ever did like me he might not anymore. Because there could’ve been some fine girl and he falls in love with her. So God I have a special petition (7). I really, really, really like P. I’ve really liked guys before but this time it’s foreal. He’s cute, seems sweet, he likes basketball, he’s smart, tall, and popular (8). I love his smile. I’ve never had a guy like me back ever. God you have given me so many things for which I am very grateful (9). But I really like P. Do you think you could possibly make it so he’d like me back. Thank you.

I don’t really want to say I love you P. because I don’t know him that well. But I know I really like him. And I love everything about him. I feel like such a dork. He probably doesn’t even know I am alive. Well anyway I’m getting real depressed now. So I’ll talk to ya (10) latter.

Love always,

(1) Oh how I yearn for those simple days when almost catching a fish brought such joy.
(2) I wonder if I was going for the double entendre because the sentence structure here is very bizarre. Why didn’t I just say, "the band performed"?
(3) I don’t think I’ve ever said the phrase "scoping me out" aloud so its usage here was most likely an affected nod to Clueless or some other cool, late 90s movie/TV show.
(4) I don’t understand the use of a parenthetical statement in a confessional letter to God. Actually, the whole letter was probably unnecessary since God is omniscient etc.
(5) I’m embarrassed that God had to read this.
(6) I don’t remember ever having a best friend named Robert.
(7) Yeah, God. I have a special petition.
(8) These are still the qualities that I find most attractive in a man. If a guy doesn’t "seem sweet" or if he isn’t "popular," I’m not interested.
(9) Antiquated syntax is something for which I am very grateful.
(10) Saying "I’ll talk to ya" where "ya" is God just seems really profane to me. "Ya" should be capitalized, right?

Folded inside of this note was another one with "what I would write to P." scrolled across the top. This is what it says:

Dear P.,

Hello. What’s up. Nothing much here.

And that’s it. I don’t know if I got bored with all the letter writing or if that’s really all that I would've written.


Surprise, surprise, Mr. P. never got around to professing his love for me. He did, however, end up dating one of my buddies.


Anonymous said...

Forgive me that all I can think is: "Are you there, God? It's me, Amber!" Man, you and God were like totes bff penpalz 4eva -- I only hope you wrote this magnificent letter in gel pen to boot!

nikki said...

God totally digs petitions, I'm sure.

Ally said...

I went to catholic school too! I love this so much, I gave you an award. Check out my post...


Richard @ The Bewildered Brit said...

Amber, I love you! This is the funniest thing I have ever read. I literally have tears streaming down my face!