Thursday, January 14, 2010

My Posse's on Broadway: Part I

It could be the result of global warming or nuclear war or delivered by the cold metallic hands of alien robots, but sooner or later the apocalyptic nightmare articulated in scores of books, Will Smith films, History Channel specials and once by this diffuse, scarcely toothed senior citizen sitting next to me on the bus, is going to become a reality. That’s why I’ve decided to assemble a posse not unlike the posse in that movie Posse to help me navigate my way through the dystopian future.

We will be unlikely heroes, a real ragtag group, primarily comprised of fictional characters from the 80s and 90s. One of us, no doubt the sweetest and funniest of us, will die in some courageous, self-sacrificing way. We will not mourn him. Instead, his death will be the catalyst for a lot of truly inspired butt kicking; the kind of rough and tumble, grammatically defiant butt kicking that is actually butt kickin’. I, former St. Joseph Notre Dame High School Associated Student Body Council Member In Charge of Clubs and Spirit Week Games, will lead this mangy, headstrong lot. We will roam the ravaged landscape, helping those who didn’t have the foresight to posse up before the robo-uprising.

Right now you’re thinking, "Amber, you are the ultimate with a capital ULTIMATE, how can I become a member of this posse you speak of?" Well, you needn’t worry, my friend. When you decided to follow this blog, you became an honorary member.

You’re welcome.

Twice a month (or really, whenever I feel like it) you will be introduced to a different member of the posse aka the people who will be savin’ your butt by kickin’ butt.

Up first: Danny Tanner

Yes, I know, a dubious first pick for a venture of this incredible magnitude but please do not scoff, for my confidence in this selection process (which is in part based on a set of intimidatingly complex and all around big algorithms) is fierce and complete. Added to that, I’ve been preparing for the apocalypse since the beginning of the 21st century and have developed my capacity for extraordinary insight and mind-blowing perspicacity to Captain Picard levels, so I think I know what I’m saying when I’m saying that Danny Tanner is the first member of my posse.

Posse Member #1

Full name: Daniel Ernest Tanner

Known Aliases: Danny, Dad, Daddy

Nationality: American

Hometown: San Francisco, CA

Occupation: Host of morning talk show--"Wake up, San Francisco"

Special Skills: Proficient in the mystical art of dust busting, ability to completely resolve the complicated personal issues of others with a few simple, well chosen words and a hug.

What’s His Deal: After his wife is tragically killed by a drunk driver, Danny raises his three daughters, Donna Jo Margaret (aka "DJ"), Stephanie Judith, and Michelle Elizabeth with the help of his best friend Joseph "Joey" Gladstone and brother-in-law Jesse Katsopolis (whose last name was, without explanation, "Cochran" for an entire year). In time, they acquire a dog (Comet) and Jesse marries Rebecca "Becky" Donaldson who bears two identical children (Nicky and Alex). Their house is, as the French say, full.

Known Enemies: Kimmy Gibbler, annoying, dim-witted neighbor and best friend of daughter, DJ.  

Why he was selected: (1) He lives in San Francisco and since I also live in the bay area, we can carpool to posse meetings together. (2) He’s tall and I imagine in the future there will be a lot of high-up stuff that a person of 5’6", like me, will not be able to reach.(3) He’s anal retentive and the sort of ruthless devotion to minutiae that he exhibited when Stephanie, Jesse, and Joey, got the chicken pox, will be indispensible if we are forced to contend with some sort of viral pandemic. (4) He’s kind but stern and we’re gonna need some kind but stern people up in this piece when things get real.


Ally said...

I loved Full House. I think I was too old to love it, but I did. I esp. loved when Kirk would make an appearance. I was a big time Kirk fan back in the Growing Pains days.

Tales Of A Fourth Grade Nothing

notthatkindofgirlblog said...

"and we’re gonna need some kind but stern people up in this piece when things get real."

You are AWESOME.

Sadako said...

Dude, I love that you put Danny Tanner in your posse.

Award here for you.

Grant said...

I'll start up the Austin Chapter. You know you are gonna have to come to Texas after the Robo-Apocalypse goes down. How else are we gonna fly to Mars and repopulate society? Gotta get to NASA. Wait if it is a Robo-Apocalypse we can't use spaceships. We will have to become mole people.

Richard @ The Bewildered Brit said...


We need to make sure Magnum PI is in the Bay Area at the time of the coming apocalypse. We'd be doomed if he were stuck on Hawaii with no means of getting to the mainland to help us.

Sally-Sal said...

Danny Tanner would set up a DDR booth in the apocalyptic training center. Because he's prepared for every eventuality.