The Fountain of Youth: I Made A Fort

Yesterday, I officially came out of fort-building retirement to create this masterpiece. Those who've seen it (i.e. my cat) have called it "an elegant study in symmetry, proportion, and draping sheets over stuff." It took a total of 10 minutes to construct and because I have hella fort-building skillz, it has yet to collapse. Yes, I slept in it.

The whole process was very organic. I used my bed as the foundation and things that were higher than my bed as posts. The interior of the fort was lined with pillows and couch cushions to maximize the comfy factor while also giving it a touch of opulence. 

The end result was a tasteful cross between Hooverville shanty and 12th century harem room. The kick-back vibe was immediately palpable and all of the provisions that I'd brought into my cozy little garrison just made it all the more palpabler. 

The DVDs that I chose to accompany me on this journey to the center of myself were Election, Manhattan Murder Mystery, and Freaks and Geeks. I hadn't watched any of these in a while and felt like this super mellow moment would be a great time to reacquaint myself with them.

Sidebar: If you haven't seen Manhattan Murder Mystery you need to get on that tout suite.  Not only is it my favorite Woody Allen, it's also an example of a perfect movie--structure, humor, acting, theme, symbolism, everything is perfect.

If you don't currently reside in a fort, my advice to you would be to build one right away. In all honesty, I don't think that I've been more comfortable in my entire adult life. I haven't been especially stressed of late but this whole experience has been extremely relaxing. I've reached a whole new level of chill. I am so zen right now. I feel like Patrick Swayze in Point Break, except forts are to me what waves were to him. 

The Fountain of Youth: Anti-Aging Tips for the Neo-Adolescent--Part 1

First, thanks to all of the birthday well-wishers. Your comments warmed the cockles of my heart and I cherish you in the same way that Madonna cherishes merbabies. 


Now, having just celebrated the 27-year anniversary of my birth, I've decided to really and truly dedicate myself to acting my shoe size and not my age, even if doing so flies in the face of everything that Prince has taught me. If you'd like to join me in this, and I can't understand why you wouldn't, here are some tips.

1. Shop in the kids department.

You, too, can look like a 9-year-old boy from 1980. This is also economical as kid clothes are cheaper than adult clothes, so bonus! 

2. Stop eating foods intended to regulate your bowel movements. 

Just say no to Bifidus Regularis, people!

3. Draw a picture--with crayons, naturally--of what you did today. 

Put your picture up on the refrigerator. Even better, give/send it to your parents. If you go home for the holidays and they haven't put it up on their fridge, drop to your knees and wail. When mom/dad asks what's wrong, point to the spot on the fridge where your drawing SHOULD be displayed and say, "You don't even love me." Because, let's face it, if the drawing isn't on the refrigerator, they don't love you.

4. Make some newspaper hats.

Kids are cash poor, so their hats are always made of newspaper. When you put your newspaper hat on your head, you will feel really young and also cool. It's great if the  newspaper you use has a picture of California lieutenant governor-elect, Gavin Newsom, on it--your hat will be both cool and hot. 

5. Temporarily tat yourself.

You will look hella raw.

6. Get some of this Act Anticavitiy mouth rinse.

It's the #1 Dentist Recommended Brand and it's "Ocean Berry" flavor, which I assume means that it's made with berries that grow in the ocean. You don't have to feel weird about buying it, 'cause even though it says "Act Anticavity Kids" on the front of the bottle, the back says "Keep out of reach of children."

So, I'm pretty sure it was designed with people like us in mind. 

(if you're digging that laser school picture background in the first photo, go here.)