Now, having just celebrated the 27-year anniversary of my birth, I've decided to really and truly dedicate myself to acting my shoe size and not my age, even if doing so flies in the face of everything that Prince has taught me. If you'd like to join me in this, and I can't understand why you wouldn't, here are some tips.
1. Shop in the kids department.
2. Stop eating foods intended to regulate your bowel movements.
Just say no to Bifidus Regularis, people!
3. Draw a picture--with crayons, naturally--of what you did today.
Put your picture up on the refrigerator. Even better, give/send it to your parents. If you go home for the holidays and they haven't put it up on their fridge, drop to your knees and wail. When mom/dad asks what's wrong, point to the spot on the fridge where your drawing SHOULD be displayed and say, "You don't even love me." Because, let's face it, if the drawing isn't on the refrigerator, they don't love you.
4. Make some newspaper hats.
Kids are cash poor, so their hats are always made of newspaper. When you put your newspaper hat on your head, you will feel really young and also cool. It's great if the newspaper you use has a picture of California lieutenant governor-elect, Gavin Newsom, on it--your hat will be both cool and hot.
5. Temporarily tat yourself.
You will look hella raw.
6. Get some of this Act Anticavitiy mouth rinse.
It's the #1 Dentist Recommended Brand and it's "Ocean Berry" flavor, which I assume means that it's made with berries that grow in the ocean. You don't have to feel weird about buying it, 'cause even though it says "Act Anticavity Kids" on the front of the bottle, the back says "Keep out of reach of children."
So, I'm pretty sure it was designed with people like us in mind.
(if you're digging that laser school picture background in the first photo, go here.)
25 comments:
you are so stinkin' rad. i love your posts.
Happy belated birthday. You are so friggin funny. You crack me up every time. - G
PS. Thanks for the shout out on your awards post!
Yay! I'ma get on this IMMEDIATELY.
It is frightening how many things in the kids dept. fit me. I don't know if I am very small or if children are coming in much larger sizes than I remember.
Unfortunately, my newspaper hat is more likely to have Gov. Mike Beebe on it, and he is nowhere near as hot as Gavin Newsom.
Hahaha, I remember those laser backgrounds! I always wanted my school picture to have the lasers, but my mom always said "No." I didn't appreciate her wisdom until years later.
Haha! I actually fit into a girls' XL size! Well, when I'm not hugely pregnant like I am now I do. Saves $$$ and some of the girls shirts at Target are hella cute. For some reason, baby and toddler clothes are more expensive than regular kids' sizes though.
With five kids in my family, my parents would never pony up the extra dough for any school picture background other than the generic fake clouds. Clearly they didn't love us enough because they chose to feed and shelter us rather than give us awesome laser backgrounds.
And watch Cartoon Network while not high.
Haha I love it... I can see all of these things becoming trends in the near future. I think Peter Pan is going to be the new Gipster (Grandparent-Hipster).
Correction: Only eat Activia if someone is paying you a lot of money.
Damn...you got to choose your background? My school was so lame.
I buy all my t-shirts in the little boys section. That sounds creepy. But Juniors just doesn't carry Lego Star Wars or TMNT, so a girl does what a girl has to do. And "what a girl has to do" includes wrestling with small children for the last Mario shirt.
We didn't get to choose our backgrounds either. LAME!
I'm more worried about the line above the one about keeping out of the reach of children.
It starts with AIDS! AIDS!!!
That shit gives kids AIDS. It says so right--wait a second.
Change one letter in KIDS and you have AIDS!!!!
Government conspiracy!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hmmmm...on second thought, my Dayquil might be wearing off...
I happen to have an extra child-sized Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shirt lying around. I mean, if you're into that sort of thing.
I never had a laser background! I only had the sky blue background. I feel so cheated out of a childhood.
Since I suck and don't read blog posts until at least weeks later, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
And dude, Buzz tattoo? BAD. ASS.
I may or may not color on a regular basis to relieve stress. But I'm not artistic. So I either just scribble random shapes, or I f'ing color in a coloring book.
That's right bitches!
(actually I haven't colored in a while, but I was eye'ing a seriously awesome looking scooby doo christmas book at the drugstore the other day. hollah)
Goodbye eye cream, hello newspaper hat!
How is it that you are so rad?
Newspaper hats + Spongebob mouthwash = party all the time.
Ha. This is awesome.
Kind of reminds me of how excited I got the other day to be doing crafts for work. We're having a Christmas door decorating contest, so of course I had to whip out the glue gun, tissue paper, and all that stuff.
I felt like I was ten again. It was great. Only. It kind of may have looked better than what I would have made at age ten. But its the feeling that counts, right?
Gavin Newsom paper hat. I want one. Scratch that, I need one.
Such a nice post on getting young-looking skin. These beauty and skin care tips surely help. Also, indulging to good anti-aging foods can also help.
All the best and more power!
Shruti xoxoxox
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I never had a laser background! I only had the sky blue background. I feel so cheated out of a childhood. Sofa & Sectionals
Very good article it really helped me once. These beauty and skin care tips surely help. Also, indulging to good anti-aging foods can also help.Cleaning
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