Comic-Con 2011: Saw some stars. Got some migraines. Gained 7 lbs in 4 days.

For anyone contemplating going to Comic-Con next year, my advice to you would be don't. Overall, I had a decent time in San Diego--saw actors from some of my favorite shows, got tons of free junk, purchased a few irreverent t-shirts, consumed a lot of thoroughly badass Mexican food--but a good portion of the fun was eclipsed by the massive crowds. 


Fact: "Comic-Con" is Latin for "there's hella people up in here, yo."


Although originally conceived as a celebration of comic books--hence the "comic" in "comic-con"--the convention's biggest draw nowadays is that "celebs" come to promote their shows, movies, latest bowel movements, etc. Yes, I do read comics--in fact, as I write this, there are copies of The Walking Dead and Batman on one side of me and a Green Lantern backpack on the other--but I don't lie and I don't hate: I love celebs and TV and movies. I'm completely entranced by it all. (As someone who's reading this blog, I'm assuming that you have a little of that going on as well.) But the very thing that I love about the convention is threatening to destroy it. Well, maybe not destroy it, but at the very least suck all of the lighthearted, nerdy good times out of it. 


As the convention has received more and more coverage in the media, more and more people are showing up every year. There's also a huge influx of "norms" (as opposed to geeks). The night before the first official day of the convention, people were already lined up to see the next morning's panels. 


I'm a sci-fi nerd, I lined up to see The Phantom Menace way back when, but there's no way that I'm going to camp out on some dirty, sticky sidewalk in San Diego (especially when I've paid hundreds of dollars for a hotel room) just to see the cast of Psych. That's ridiculous, right? Who loves Psych that much? It's almost enough to make me start watching Psych, because clearly it's the most amazing show in the history of TV.


Fact: At Comic-Con you stand in line to stand in line.

The absolute worst line was for The Big Bang Theory panel. With at least 1,500 people in line before me, I was able to get into Ballroom 20--which holds about 2,500 people--and saw Mayim Bialik and Johnny Galecki (2 of my fave former 90s teenagers) along with the the rest of the cast. 

There were 7,000 unfortunate souls who stood in line for hours and didn't get in. 

I took the above picture of the massive line for that day's panels. It went out of the convention center and across the harbor. And here's a picture of the convention center to really drive home the point.

The doors didn't open until 9:30 or 10:00am but I got there every morning at about 6:00, which was early enough to get into every panel that I'd planned to see. But even when you are fortunate enough to get into Ballroom 20, you have to contend with body overflow aka the large gentleman beside you, essentially, sharing your chair.

Sure, it could have been worse, but sitting scrunched up next to some stranger for, like 4 continuous hours is not awesome. 

All griping aside, on Thursday I saw my love Bruce Campbell who was hysterical and condescending in a very charming way. Though his entire ensemble was quite stunning, I was most impressed by his pocket square. Rather than listening to what he was talking about (Burn Notice?), I spent the time wondering if he'd folded it himself. 

Later that day was Game of Thrones--a show that has really become my obsession over the past couple of months, and to which I give my highest, most enthusiastic recommendation. Not only was I able to see one of the raddest Peters ever (Dinklage), but the moon of my life, Khal Drogo was there. 

Jason Momoa is clearly psycho--as you can see he was wearing his Khal Drogo eye makeup--but psycho in the most endearing way possible. I didn't think it was possible for me to love this man any more than I already did but alas, it looks as though I'm going to have to see his (potentially god awful) Conan movie this summer. Also, Emilia Clarke is basically my idol.

So, if you leave Ballroom 20, there's absolutely no getting back in--unless you've gotten a bathroom pass from a security guard at the door and even then you have to be back in, like, 45 minutes. As a result, you have to sit through a lot of panels that you don't really care about just to see one that you do care about. Because Game of Thrones was near the end of the day, I was forced to sit through Covert Affairs... 

which, as it turns out, wasn't so bad because Christopher Gorham (probably my biggest crush of 1999) was there...

...the illustrious Psych

...which I still don't get...and Ringer

...which, from the clips they showed, looks like it's probably going to get canceled in its first season. Nevertheless, it was cool to be in the presence of the slayer.

Friday, Saturday, and Sunday I went to panels for:


Torchwood

...where my love for John Barrowman, Eve Myles, and the studly Bill Pullman grew exponentially. Eve Myles is hilarious and you could tell that she and John are really close.


Eureka

Fringe

Every year I go to this panel hoping that Joshua Jackson will lead us all in one giant Mighty Ducks quack, but it never happens. Lame.

True Blood

American Dad

Seth MacFarlane and the rest of the cast were there, but I was really just jazzed to see the guy who does the voice of Reginald. If my mom ever does buy me the koala that I've been asking for, I pray that the CIA will have replaced it's brain with that of a homeless man.

Some TV Guide thingy

Matt Smith is so cool, no? He's my favorite Doctor, for sure. 

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

I'd barely even heard of this show last year, but now I own every season on DVD and have watched each one of those DVDS 4 or 5 times. I'm pretty sure Danny DeVito was stoned or drunk or something. 

Yo Gabba Gabba

Sadly, DJ Lance didn't do the DJ Lance Dance--which I live for.

Allen Gregory

This is Jonah Hill's new animated show. French Stewart is in it, which was already enough to entice me, but then they screened scenes from the pilot episode, and it looks like it's going to be super funny. Also Jonah Hill is so svelte now, don't you think?

On the comic book tip, I saw Stan Lee and Jim Lee.

Despite the last name and overall resemblance, they aren't related. I don't think. Jim Lee is one of my favorite artists and Stan Lee is so fuggin old but seems super sweet and grandpa-y.


On the stalker tip, I took these iPhone paparazzi pics of Fred Savage: 

I saw him when I was walking back to my hotel. He was practically begging to be stalked.


And here are some miscellaneous photos:

I saw Paul Scheer from Human Giant, Best Week Ever, NTSF:SD:SUV, etc. walking around and he was really nice about taking this picture with me. He said my camera was cool. Admittedly, it is rather cool.

Standing awkwardly in front of the TARDIS.

Taken at the CBS booth in front of a green screen. Upon close inspection you will notice that I am groping Jim Parsons.

Outside the convention center, there was this art gallery, I guess sponsored by TBS, devoted to Conan O'Brien art. 

The one good thing about standing in super long, 10,000-deep lines is that sometimes people will let you try on their authentic Captain Jack Harkness coats. And your hair will look really weird.

Amber + Prince Adam = Best Friends 4 Eva

Back to the Future memorabilia. Yes, that is a Flux Capacitor on the left.

A Mexican Pizza that I had at this restaurant in Old Town called Cafe Coyote. So good, man. If you're ever in San Diego, you need to go there.

So that's it in a nutshell. Even though I told you not to go to Comic-Con at the beginning of this post, on Saturday morning of the convention, I got in line at 4:00am to pre-register for next year--probably a sign that I'm some sort of masochist.

Arts & Crap: So You Want to Build a Laser and/or The Flux Capacitor

I'm not crafty but that doesn't mean that I don't like to use scissors and tape crap together. Here are two low-key art projects that you can try at home.

Project #1: Laser

In Kindergarten Cop, Dominic shows Detective John Kimble the lasers he's painstakingly constructed to protect his home from the "bad people." 


No blueprints for these lasers exist. 


However, I--being the genius that I am--was able to figure out how they were made and replicate the complex design. 

What You'll Need:

• A few sheets of aluminum foil

Instructions:

1. Roll one sheet of aluminum foil up like a Fruit Roll-Up/really skinny burrito/marijuana cigarette. 

2. Place your rolled-up aluminum foil on top of a flat sheet of aluminum foil.

3. Roll the flat sheet of aluminum foil around the rolled-up aluminum foil. Now your laser is thicker, longer, and more powerful. Fact: Your laser's power increases with each piece of aluminum foil that you add.

4. Bend the tip of your laser so it looks like a candy cane/one of those cartoon hooks used to pull singing, anthropomorphized animals off stage when they fail to entertain jaded Vaudeville audiences.

And you're done! Now all you need to do is go to your local police station, pick up the appropriate laser permits, climb the electrical tower near your house, and laser that thing up.

Just watch out for birds.

Project #2: Flux Capacitor

In Back to the Future, we learn that the flux capacitor is what makes time travel possible. I'm not sure how long it took Doc Brown to build the original prototype, but it took me hella hours (one episode of Doctor Who, a couple of episodes of Kirstie Alley's Big Life, and most of Tombstone) to put mine together. So be sure to free-up your day if you're planning on making one of these.

What You'll Need:

• 1 shoebox (preferably one with a hinged lid)
• construction paper (red, black, yellow)
• 2 yellow/gold pipe cleaners
• a pair of scissors
• an x-acto/utility knife (a sharp kitchen knife might suffice)
• scotch tape
• transparent sheet (can be saran wrap, comic-book bag, overhead projector sheet, stretched out condom, etc.)
• glue stick
• pencil
• white-out/liquid-paper pen
• 1.21 gigawatts of electrical power

Instructions:

1. Cut a rectangular opening out of the shoebox lid with your X-Acto knife. (Don't throw away the piece you've cut out. You'll need it later.)

2. Tape the transparent sheet onto the back of the lid. 

3. Line the inside of the box with black construction paper.

You can put the shoebox aside for now. You won't need it again for a while. Take a break if you want and eat some delicious tater tots.

4. cut the toilet paper roll into three pieces.

5. Take one of your tiny TP rolls and the rectangle you cut out of the shoebox lid and trace three circles onto the cardboard with your pencil.

6. Cut out the circles with your X-Acto knife.

7. Tape the circles onto the tops of the TP rolls.

8. Use the bottom of one of your TP rolls to trace three circles onto the yellow construction paper.

9. Cut out the three circles with your scissors.

10. Glue the yellow circles onto the tops of the TP rolls.

11. Cut out three strips from the yellow construction paper (the width should be equal to the length of the TP roll).

12. Tape the edge of one of the strips onto a TP roll.

13. Wrap the strip around the TP roll tightly and tape down the edge. 

14. Repeat steps 12-13 for the other two TP rolls.

15. Fold your pipe cleaner into a "V" shape. (You'll probably have to trim the edges a bit with your scissors because this is eventually going to go inside of the shoebox.)

16. Poke a tiny hole into the side of one of the TP rolls with the X-Acto knife, then poke the tip of the pipe cleaner "V" in through the hole (you can tape the tip of the pipe cleaner onto the inner wall of the roll to secure it).

17. Repeat step 16 with another one of the TP rolls.

18. Cut the other pipe cleaner in half, poke a tiny hole through the last TP roll, stick the tip of the pipe cleaner through the hole.

19. Connect the two pieces together, so they form a "Y."

20. Flip your "Y" upside down (hole side up). Place two/three small pieces of scotch tape onto the inside of each TP roll (half of each piece of tape should be sticking out above the hole).

21. Tape the "Y" into the shoebox by folding the tape under the TP roll (you could just tape the base of the TP roll onto the box/glue it down, but this looks a little cleaner).

22. Cut three thin strips from the red construction paper and with the white-out pen write, "DISCONNECT CAPACITOR DRIVE" on one of them, "BEFORE OPENING" on another one, and "SHIELD EYES FROM LIGHT" on the last one. Tape/glue the strips onto the lid of the box.

Connect the finished product to your time machine (DeLorean, hot tub, et al.), go back in time, screw things up so you're never born, fix things so you're born, jam to Huey Lewis.

To All the Nerds I've Loved Before

Growing up, I was kind of a jockette but I’ve always been intensely attracted to nerds. (And when I say "nerds" I’m not talking about modern, meta-nerds. I’m talking about guys who rock Star Wars t-shirts sans irony, who wear glasses, not because it’s a trendy thing to do, but because they have horrible vision.) In honor of St. Valentine, cupid, and all things lovey dovey, I’ve listed a few of my nerdiest dream dates.

Dr. Egon Spengler-Ghostbusters

He has a sly, mischievous smile that kills me--KILLS ME!--every time I watch him bustin’ ghosts. I imagine the two of us in a jacuzzi full of Stay Puft marshmallows, wearing nothing but our sweater vests, discussing ectoplasm and the oeuvre of Ray Parker Jr.

Bill Haverchuck-Freaks and Geeks

So delicate, so spindly, so glasses-wearing! He’s my precious, lanky Fabergé egg nerd. On our date, we eschew all physical activity and sit in front of an early 1980s wood-paneled Zenith television set, watching vintage "Saturday Night Live." I dazzle him with my Father Guido Sarducci impression while he holds me in his sublimely bony arms.

Ronald Miller-Can’t Buy Me Love

I’m a sucker for a scrawny body, a head of curls, and a big-ish nose. I see the two of us riding Ronald’s lawnmower to the planetarium, just cruising at a very romantic 5 MPH. The cars behind us honk, the drivers scream out obscenities, but we just laugh. They don’t understand love like ours--love that defies traffic laws, love full of visits to the planetarium, love that money can’t buy.

Donatello-Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Brains, brawn, greenness. Donatello’s got it all. On our date, we eat pizza after pizza after pizza, which gets us talking about pie and then Pi. "3.1415926535897," I whisper seductively and then disrobe. "Cowabunga," he says. "Cow-a-bung-a!"

George McFly-Back to the Future

I know that beneath that bashful, unassuming exterior lies a slightly less bashful, unassuming man. I picture the two of us sitting on opposite sides of a room, exchanging shy smiles, while we write each other poems that we’re too afraid to recite. Eventually, I drop my pen (on purpose), he scurries across the room to retrieve it, and when he hands it to me we instantly understand that he is my density and I his.

Dwayne Wayne-A Different World

Proto-Kanye-hipster nerd, I love thine flip-up glasses and rhyming name! I envision the two of us huddled together in my boudoir, wearing Hillman College sweatshirts, and flirtatiously reading aloud from our human sexuality textbooks. Finally, I take off my spectacles and place them over Dwayne’s flip-up glasses, "I can see so clearly now that I’m essentially wearing three pairs of glasses," he says, suddenly struck by my loveliness, "and at this moment, here with you, I feel as though I’m in a different world than where I come from."