The Return Plus Some Thoughts on The Breakfast Club

Uh...hi. Remember me? I used to be this person who blogged but then I wasn't that person for a little while but now, hopefully, I'm that person again. What have I been doing? Stuff, I guess. More specifically, though, I've been sick off an on for the past couple of months. Sometimes it was just a cold. Other times it was worse. I hadn't thrown up since 2006 but this year--which is only 3 months old--I've thrown up 3 times. On one occasion, I noticed that there were, like, 10 pinto beans in my throw up, which was weird because I KNOW I chewed the beans before I swallowed them. (I'm sure you wanted to read that.) When I wasn't sick, I was writing things. If you want, you can check out some of the stuff I've done for Rookie. But if you don't want to, that's your prerogative (in the words of B. Brown and later B. Spears), and it won't change the way I feel about you. Other things that've happened:

I ate a 5lb. burrito. (And yeah, one of times that I threw up was after eating it. But that hasn't changed my views on burritos. I remain pro-burrito.)

I SAW JGL! JGL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAHHH!

Louis C.K. became my fave. Have you watched his show? If you haven't, you need to. It's way more entertaining than this blog. As a matter of fact, you should be watching Louie instead of reading whatever the hell it is that I'm writing. 

I watched every episode of Parks and Recreation on Netflix. It took, like, three weeks. But I did it. I DID IT! I'd never watched a single episode before that, if you can believe it. Oh, and do you know who's on that show sometimes? LOUIS C.K.!! The plot thickens!

"The plot thickens" became my catchphrase. "Meow" became my cat's catchphrase.

I saw this van by my house. The back of it was JACKED UP. I think someone really wanted those cookies.

Justin Bieber brought these girls some Proactiv.

Also, I re-watched The Breakfast Club for the millionth time. Do you remember this scene?

(I had to record it with my iPhone because it somehow doesn't exist on YouTube in an embeddable form. Don't sue me, Universal Studios. I love you.) First, and most importantly, it shows that Emilio Estevez is the best dancer in the history of life. 

Second, is this what's supposed to happen when you smoke weed? Third, Emilio shatters glass by screaming and NO ONE FREAKS OUT. 

No one even claps or says, "man, that was kind of awesome" or, "wow, he really hates foreign languages." So...did that even happen? Like, within the reality of the movie, did it actually occur? Is it a metaphor for marijuana and how it gives you the ability to shatter glass?? And how is it that only the glass on the door breaks? How did this scene make the final cut when it makes no sense? 

On a related note, what's with Anthony Michael Hall's voice here: 

And then here in Weird Science:

Does it make anyone else feel really uncomfortable?

That's it for now but I'm planning to post more regularly. Thanks to everyone who's still reading and sorry to everyone who was wondering where I was (this cool lady in particular). Have a nice day and here's to hoping that all of your plots thicken in an enjoyable way.

In Which I Take Inspector Gadget and Child Protective Services to Task

Dear Metro City Department of Social Services,


As a concerned citizen of the world, I felt it my duty to bring to your attention a case of extraordinary negligence and child endangerment. 


For some time now, a cyborg by the name of Inspector Gadget has been the sole guardian of a young girl named Penny--apparently she's his niece. I have no beef with the cyborg community and would never question Gadget's ability to provide young Penny with a safe, loving home based merely on his body's organic-to-synthetic-part ratio. Gadget, however, is a police officer or spy or counter-terrorist or something, and this dangerous profession coupled with the fact that he has no IQ to speak of (which may or may not have something to do with the retractable helicopter blades seemingly stored inside of his skull) imperil young Penny's life on an almost daily basis. 


Because her uncle is an imbecile, Penny along with her dog Brain, take it upon themselves to solve cases for him. Although she is quite brilliant, inserting herself into Gadget's affairs like this has, resulted in Penny being kidnapped by MAD agents some 45 times. Now, I must ask you: How often does a cute, blonde, pre-teen girl have to be kidnapped by an organized crime syndicate before the government finally intervenes? 


When Penny isn't dodging henchmen, a slew of other hazards await. 

What's worse, Gadget, who's called "Gadget" because his body is equipped with an infinite array of crime-fighting instruments (well, at least I assume this is the reason...his surname may just be "Gadget), is clumsy and has little to no control over his bionic gizmos. Though, I don't know if Gadget counts samurai swords amongst his assorted tools, I could easily envision him Go-Go-Gadget-skating directly into some kind of katana display, mortally wounding his niece.

I have a feeling that I'm not the first to report this but I pray that I'm the last. It is fundamentally irresponsible for you to allow Penny to remain in Inspector Gadget's custody and for everyone involved to rely so heavily on deus ex machina. 

Sincerely,
Amber

Arts & Crap: So You Love "Say Anything" and Want to be Lloyd Dobler

Say Anything is an action adventure movie, not unlike The Lord of the Rings, in which Lloyd Dobler, The Key Master, boldly attempts to win the heart of Diane Court, an overachiever with an obnoxious voice whose dad is that old guy from Frasier. 


In the movie's most celebrated scene, Lloyd, played by the adorable John Cusack, stands outside of Diane's bedroom window with a jam box hoisted above his head as Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" blares (pissing off local Phil Collins devotees). Though it isn't necessarily the best of Gabriel's post-Genesis oeuvre, the song is special to Lloyd and Diane because it was playing on the radio the first time they had teenage car sex (not sex with the car, but with each other while in the car). 


A lot of people watch this iconic scene and think, "Gee, I wish someone would do something like that for me." Other people watch it and think, "Where can I get a jam box like that in the 21st century?" If you fall into that second group, the answer to your question is "somewhere on the Internet," but if you're poor like me and can't afford expensive Internet goods, then I have the perfect craft project for you.

What You'll Need:

• Cardboard, tons of it. (For the frame of the radio I used an empty Pepsi Max 12-pack box, another slightly larger box, and some other piece of cardboard I had in my cardboard storage locker, which holds cardboard and is entirely constructed of cardboard.)
• Silver Duct Tape
• Black Tissue Paper
• Scissors
• 2 Small Paper Plates
• Colorful Card Stock (Optional)
• Scotch Tape/Glue (Optional)

Instructions:

1. I imagine you've seen a radio before, so you know the basic structure. I cut the Pepsi Max box in half (by the way, don't drink Pepsi Max *barf*), dipped into my cardboard reserve, cut out two squares, and covered the exposed holes. These two halves will be the speaker boxes. Then I cut the back out of the larger box, trimmed down the sides so that the width was equal to the width of the Pepsi box, and taped the back of the box back onto the front of it. This will be the center console thingy where all the thingies are.

2. Cover everything in duct tape. It'll take a while, so you should probably watch a DVD while you're doing this. I chose The Descent 2, which wasn't as good as the original.

3. Trim your paper plates down, so they'll fit onto your speaker boxes.

4. Cover the paper plates in black tissue paper.

5. Tape the plates onto the speaker boxes.

6. The rest is just detailing. You can do whatever you want here. And, no, I'm not just saying that because I'm too lazy to go through a step by step description(<---lie).

Tape the three pieces together, go stand outside some chick's/guy's window, and proudly hold your masterpiece above your head. If doing that doesn't win over the object of your affection then she/he is probably a jerk anyway and doesn't deserve your love. 


Now, let's move on to a wearable craft project. 


The trench coat has become synonymous with Lloyd Dobler but if you've seen Say Anything as many times as I have then you know that Mr. Dobler loves The Clash and wears their band t-shirt EVERY DAY. 

Some might chalk this up to lazy costuming but I think that it actually adds to the character--he only owns one shirt, which emphasizes the Lloyd-Diane class disparity. 

Vintage band t-shirts are pricey, so I made my own, using a plain white undershirt and a red fabric marker (the ink is permanent and, according to the box, the t-shirt can be washed without the ink bleeding through). The actual letters aren't as bright as they are here, I think that the color in the picture has to do with lighting or something, I don't know. 

It's okay if you mess up. In my opinion, the more bootleg the thing looks, the better. In fact, that's my motto.


--------
Bonus Features


Embarrassing Say Anything related anecdote: When I was in 12th grade, I went on this retreat with my class. At the end of the week we had to write these affirmations on little scraps of paper where we'd tell our friends or teachers or retreat leaders how much they meant to us or how dope we thought they were, etc. The notes could be anonymous but by the end of the retreat we'd all become so close and comfortable with each other that no one hid their identity...or their true feelings. I had a crush on this one dude and wrote him an affirmation that was basically just the lyrics to "In Your Eyes." I ended the note by saying that I wanted to "touch the light, the heat" I saw in his eyes. Ugh. Luckily, I was sort of a funny girl in high school so I think he thought the whole thing was a joke.  


Video:

Small Wonder: She’s Fantastic, Made of Plastic

Since the beginning of the time, man has yearned for the DVD release of Small Wonder. Well, my friends, that day has finally come. If you don’t know what Small Wonder is, you probably grew up in one of those backward, neo-Neanderthal, anti-android homes, often scrutinized on Dateline NBC...or you’re really young...or Andy Rooney (the hottest nonagenarian this side of the Mason-Dixon line). 

For those of you unfamiliar with Vicki the robot, I urge you to borrow the 4-disc DVD set from that hip, slightly older, obscure pop-culture ephemera-loving friend of yours--you know, the one who gets every Family Guy non-sequitur and peppers your little tête-à-têtes with multifarious ALF and Night Court allusions.

But if you don’t have a friend like that, here’s the first episode in a nutshell:

This scientist guy, Ted Lawson, works for some sort of science company, and he’s been slaving away on something called a Voice Input Child Identicant or V.I.C.I. (The episode synopsis on the back of the DVD case describes it as a "domestic aide in the form of a ten-year-old girl," which is just morally reprehensible. I’m sure Samuel Gompers is doing somersaults in his grave.) Ted gets the thing working and he, his wife, and their Cabbage Patch Kid-faced son, Jamie, accept the V.I.C.I., now Vicki, as a member of the family. 

OK, so they occasionally stuff her in Jamie’s armoire, but other than that they treat her like a real kid. Oh and the Lawson’s have this nosy, ginger, troll of a neighbor named Harriet--they don’t want Vicki’s true robo-nature to be revealed, so Harriet, whose head is 50% bangs, is a total menace.

And here are a few of the small things that I wondered about while watching the first disc:

• How was Ted able to create a robot as advanced as Vicki when his computer looks like this:

You can’t even play Minesweeper on that thing. According to the theme song Vicki’s "fantastic, made of plastic" with "Microchips here and there." Seriously? Should we email those specs to the weirdo Japanese scientists desperately working to perfect their horrifying sex bots?

• Why is this show called "Small Wonder"? I think there’s a double entendre at work there that I’m not quite smart enough to grasp.

• When Ted was working on the Vicki blueprints or whatever, why did he think it was OK to make the robot look like a 10-year-old girl? Ted, you are the skeeve-master. Stop making little robot girls and Ted’s family, stop not seeing how disturbing that is!