The Worst Witch is a salacious tale of sexual awakening masquerading as a cute family film about a misfit preteen witch. I don’t think I have to tell you how many fairy tales and classic children’s fantasy stories have some sort of sexual subtext. But that subtext is so obvious in The Worst Witch, that it can hardly be called subtext. It’s almost like a co-text or *ahem* ko-text. Further, the movie seems designed to make you want to bone Tim Curry.
Mildred Hubble (Fairuza Balk), the titular witch, is kind-hearted and inept. She’s taunted by blondes and her teachers have no problem telling her that her shit is weak. Mildred is our naïf heroine.
On Halloween night, The Grand Wizard (Tim Curry) plans to visit Mildred's school. Yes, he is sexy, and all of the students at Miss Cackle’s all-girl witch academy lust after him in a kind of abstract, innocent way--Mildred says that he makes her feel "all squishy inside."
Squishy indeed.
But because he is the lone male, The Grand Wizard is Sexuality, plain and simple.
Once The Grand Wizard arrives at the school, it’s almost impossible to ignore the sexual implications.
- He has a giant cloak. I think it’s pretty obvious what that cloak represents. As he soars above the girls, they all stare up at him, agog. They’ve never seen such a massive cloak! One interesting feature of the cloak is that it grows while The Grand Wizard is flying and then shrinks or retracts once he lands.
- He has crazy rhyme skillz. OK, so this isn’t remotely sexual, unless you’re suggesting a relationship between "Anything Can Happen on Halloween," the little ditty he sings to the young, virginal witches, and romantic poetry created specifically to get guys laid. But I thought it necessary to call attention to the illest bit of rhyming ever: Anything can happen on Halloween, your toenails grow long and your hair turns green, your teacher could become a sardine, your dentist could turn into a queen. Has anyone seen my tambourine?
- He sings “Anything Can Happen on Halloween” but never once mentions any of the more carnal things that can happen. The omission calls attention to itself and in not saying “it,” he’s essentially saying “it,” especially since he alludes to sexual climax (or maybe actually has one) when he sings, “Tonight, the most wonderful night uuuhh...ohhh...vvv...the year.”
The guy really likes Halloween.
At the end of the movie, Mildred stops headmistress Cackle’s evil sister from destroying the school. Her heroism not only changes everyone’s opinion of her, but it also draws the attention of The Grand Wizard. He rewards her bravery by allowing her to ride his tremendous cloak.
And, in the process, ushers her into womanhood.
Underscoring all of this is the movie’s theme song, "Growing Up Isn’t Easy," which includes the following lyrics: "Twenty seems like lightyears away, the girl in you goes, but the freckles stay...wish the time would hurry by, will I ever learn to fly."
If you decide to watch the movie this Halloween here’s a short glossary--basically summarizing everything I’ve said here--that will help you to understand the movie:
Mildred Hubble: Virgin
The Grand Wizard: Sexuality
Cloak: Boner
Flying: Coitus
Casting Tim Curry as a heartthrob may seem bizarre to some people but I think it was actually quite appropriate, considering this alternative reading of plot. Curry, at least to me, is both attractive and terrifying.
In fact, I think he’s attractive because he’s so terrifying. Like, if Tim Curry circa 1975 were to proposition you, you’d think, “ehhhh, I’m not entirely sure that I’m into this dude but yeah, OK, let’s do this.” Anyway, I think that sex, when you look at it as a rite of passage, is both scary and enticing. Just like Tim Curry’s face.
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methinks Tim Curry is pretty hot in this video.
