I Suck at Sonic the Hedgehog

I used to be like that kid from The Wizard when it came to Sonic. In fact, people used to call me "The Wizard" (no one ever called me "The Wizard"). But that was 16 years ago. I currently suck--something that I discovered when I played the game for the first time since the fifth grade. What the hell happened? Seriously.

Swagger

Right off the bat, I'm feeling super fresh because I remember that one of those invincibility boxes is hiding up in this tree. I crack the box open and scream, "KING KONG AIN'T GOT NOTHIN' ON ME!" Naturally, I'm thinking that I'm about to dominate and wondering if Sonic's red sneakers come in my size. In hindsight, this was a mistake. There just isn't any room for cockiness when you're playing Sonic. 

Sonic Hates Me

I've been at this for 2 minutes and only have 39 rings. This is not good. When your game controller is idle for a couple of seconds, Sonic starts tapping his foot, giving you the stink eye, etc. This could happen to anyone who steps away from the game without pausing it. Still, it's hard not to take it personally when you're playing so horribly.

From Rags to Riches to Falling off a Cliff

I didn't actually die here, but there are few things in this world that are more demoralizing than losing all of your rings.

Swagger Redux

It seemed my luck was changing. Sure, I only had 38 rings, but I beat the level, got some bonus points, and Sonic flashed me that Japanese peace sign thing. It's hard not to feel fresh after all of that. 

Death

A mere 4 seconds into "Green Hill Zone: Act 2" I die while robotic fish leap into the air with indifference. 

One Ring to Rule Them All

Here I am. Lord of the ring. Why is it that one ring feels more pathetic than zero? 

Bunny Death

The robots attempting to kill me/Sonic throughout the game are actually adorable woodland creatures, trapped by evil Dr. Robotnik, and placed in mechanical bodies. Once you kill the machine, the animal is released. So, even when I was feeling sort of miserable about how poorly I was playing, I was able to take solace in the fact that I'd freed a few animals from Robotnik's clutches. But then I saved a bunny who--within seconds of leaving his mechanical prison--killed himself. It was like The Shawshank Redemption sans Morgan Freeman's warm, all-knowing voice-over.

Power Sneakers

The sneakers you see inside of this 1984 Macintosh computer monitor are like the "Sonic the Hedgehog" version of crank. A second after cracking this box open, I was running in the sky. Afterward, I was tempted to stop playing the game with the intention of winning/leveling up and just trying to find these sneaker boxes. I'm assuming that these boxes were left by Dr. Robotnik in an attempt to manufacture addiction--like the American government's surreptitious introduction of addictive substances into certain "undesirable" populations. 

Weak Sauce

The key to "Sonic the Hedgehog" is the spin. If you don't know what I'm talking about, then I don't even know what to say to you. As you can see in this picture, my spin was weak, I couldn't complete the loop, I suck, etc.

One Life to Live

So then I get 39 rings. I'm on my way to having more rings than I've ever had. I die. Of course.

Game Over

I survive for 1:18 on my last life. Maybe I should be proud of that. I could've only survived for 1:17, which would've been really embarrassing. 

Meh.

I start a new game, but my heart just isn't into it. I decide to chill on this rock, which turns out to be the highlight of my day.