nostomanic: Scream

Fully engrossed in my addictions to napping and spraying my hair with Sun-In, I didn't learn that this thing called "Scream 4" existed until last weekend.

If only Wes Craven and Kevin Williamson had consulted me on this project before it went into production, I could've warned them that they were creating a movie that I have absolutely no intention of seeing. Why do I refuse to see Scream 4? The reasons are fairly obvious.

I Prefer the Home Alone Culkins.

You can just look at Rory Culkin (who plays some kind of guy with luscious brown hair in Scream 4) and tell that he has no idea what it's like to be in Home Alone. His brothers, Macaulay and Kieran, carry those Home Alone battle scars with them--look into their eyes and you'll notice their hardened, world-weary "I was once in Home Alone and then later in Home Alone 2: Lost in New York" stares. Although Rory is arguably the most attractive of the clan, and I definitely want to spend hours braiding and re-braiding his hair, to be a Culkin and to not have been in Home Alone--or worse, to have only been a year old when the movie was released--is kind of lame.

This low-rent, bastardized version of the Randy character from Screams 1-3 who looks like an actual teenager and not a 30-year-old man portraying a teenager.

So I realize that, when it comes to the super meta Scream franchise, we need a character to harp on "the rules" of the horror genre throughout the movie because we're all morons with no understanding of tropes or the ability to comprehend what we see without someone interpreting it for us. But I don't understand why Randy/Jamie Kennedy isn't that person in this new movie. Now, I know what you're thinking. He died in Scream 2. But when has someone dying ever stopped them from being alive? Plus--and I know I might lose a little credibility by saying this--I really like Jamie Kennedy. Don't be hatin'.

The Real-Life Dissolution of the Courteney Cox-David Arquette Relationship.

Do you remember the first episode of Friends to air after Courteney Cox and David Arquette were married? Courteney Cox had just changed her name to Courteney Cox-Arquette and during the opening credits, every other cast member's last name was hyphenated with "Arquette." I thought that was pretty cute. Alas, the greatest love story of our generation, nay, of all time, has ended and I can't bear to see the two of them on screen together.

In the future, this movie will be an historically inaccurate representation of our era and, as someone with a B.A. in history, I can't stand for that.

A landline? Really? Next you'll be telling me she still sends letters via the US Postal Service instead of sending emails. Or that she sleeps on a bed and not inside of a hyperbaric chamber. Also, I understand that we aren't supposed to try and make sense of anything we see in a horror movie, but it's a well known fact that anyone who calls you on your landline is either (a)going to kill you or (b) a bill collector. This is why YOU NEVER ANSWER YOUR HOUSE PHONE! Add that to your list of rules, weird-kid-who-ISN'T-Jamie Kennedy.

I'm Over This Person

Adam, The O.C. was great (during the first two seasons). We all had our fun, made some memories, etc. But I don't know that this acting thing is for you. You're attractive enough and seem intelligent, and I feel that you're perfectly suited for a career as cute-guy-who-works-in-that-one-store. Or even cute-guy-who-I-see-on-the-bus-from-time-to-time. So, why don't you step aside and leave the acting to Anthony Anderson.

I'm Pretty Sure that Hayden Panettiere's Character is Going to Die and that She Isn't "the Killer."

I don't like being able to predict anything. I want to be genuinely surprised when I see a horror movie and I don't think that there are any surprises left in this franchise. For once, I'd like there to be a Scream sequel where everyone's the killer and no one dies. Or where no one's the killer but everyone dies. Aw snap, I'm giving myself chills just thinking about that.

Lastly, I Just Literally Can't See the Movie.