Best picture ever?

Former U.S. prez Bill Clinton and former U.S. vice prez Al Gore are like the patron saints of Democrats. Remember that time Clinton went to North Korea and got American journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling out of prison by serenading Kim Jong-il with some smooth, jazzy sax playing? Or what about the time that Al Gore told us about global warming and we were all like, "whoa, Al, that's a really inconvenient truth, thanks for sharing your wisdom with us"? Clinton and Gore are also a couple of dreamboats. If there's a picture on the internet more provocative than this, I certainly haven't seen it. After staring at Clinton's thighs for 45 minutes, I understand why Monica Lewinsky couldn't resist him. 


Billy, billy, billy, can't you see? Sometimes your thighs just hypnotize me. And I just love your flashy ways. I guess that's why they broke and you're so paid. 

(photo)

Happy Fourth O' July, 'Mericans!

Drew this picture for youse guys.


Real post coming soon. 

In Which I Rate U.S. Presidents

I've decided to rate a few presidents. They will be judged in three categories: 


Power. Their physical strength, ability to not die, the amount of influence they had, as well as acts of wizardry they may have performed. Power will be measured in Kazaams on a scale of 1-4 (with 1 being weak and 4 being mega powerful). 

Hotness. Last week, I voted for current San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom in the Democratic Primary simply because I think he's hot. Therefore, hotness will be measured in Gavin Newsoms, also on a scale of 1-4 (with 1 being "ugh" and 4 being "bow-chicka-wow-wow.")

Virtue. I tried to be as objective about this one as I could, weighing how each man defended civil liberties and attempted to make America a "more perfect Union" against any extramarital affairs, war mongering, slave holding, and general crookedness. Virtue will be measured in Star Wars.

1.George Washington

In Office: April 30, 1789-March 4, 1797

Info: First Prez, dollar bill guy, (possible) wearer of wooden teeth, cherry tree chopper.

Power: Washington was a Freemason and appointed "Worshipful Master" by his lodge, which gave him the mystical ability to cross the Delaware. 

Hotness: I'm going to be generous.

Virtue: Slave owner but apparently had some reservations about it. I suppose that sort of ambivalence was progressive for the 18th century.

2. Thomas Jefferson

In Office: March 4, 1801-March4, 1809

Info: Inventor of the swivel chair, the Robert De Niro of Presidents (if you get my meaning), wrote the majority of the Declaration of Independence, purchaser of Louisiana. 

Power: In addition to being President, Jefferson held approximately 500 other jobs--he was an architect, inventor, horticulturalist, and archaeologist, just to name a few.

Hotness: Not cute.

Virtue: Contrary to popular belief, Jefferson was kind of an a-hole. He was opposed to women's suffrage and was the first to propose an Indian removal plan.

3. Andrew Jackson

In Office: March 4, 1829-April 15, 1837

Info: $20 bill guy, made my Choctaw/Chickasaw ancestors walk the "Trail of Tears."

Power: Only member of his immediate family not to die from small pox, cholera, or from injuries sustained while lifting a log. 

Hotness: Dude's hair was kind of fresh.

Virtue: Ugh. This guy was le douche. Not only was he pro-slavery but he was also responsible for the ethnic cleansing of several Indian tribes.

4. Abraham Lincoln

In Office: March 4, 1861-April 15, 1865

Info: Freed the slaves (sort of), log cabin dweller, lover of top hats and "beards," "slept" with men, assassinated, erroneously believed to be the 2nd President when he was actually the 16th. 

Power: Suspended habeas corpus (powerful) but failed to survive a gun shot wound (not powerful).

Hotness: I love moles and this guy had a pretty sweet one.

Virtue: So he only freed the slaves in the confederate states, but this guy was cool. As Frederick Douglas famously said, "Abraham Lincoln is super rad."

5. Theodore "Teddy" Roosevelt

In Office: September 14, 1901-March 4, 1909

Info: Adventurer, Rough Rider, glasses wearer.

Power: His slogan was "speak softly and carry a big stick;" was shot and didn't die from the wound; contracted malaria and didn't die.

Hotness: Don't even front, you think this guy is cute.

Virtue: Was a bit roguish but was also awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

6. William Howard Taft

In Office: March 4, 1909-March 4, 1913

Info: The "Fat President."

Power: His father co-founded Yale's Skull and Bones secret society (powerful) but he got stuck in a bathtub (not powerful).

Hotness: I don't discriminate against chubby men but Taft just isn't doing it for me.

Virtue: Founded the "League to Enforce Peace" but was inconsequential as far as presidents go. I don't really know where to place him on the spectrum so I've decided to give him an "Al Roker dressed as Han Solo."

7. Franklin D. Roosevelt

In Office: March 4, 1933-April 12, 1945

Info: Polio guy, married his 5th cousin once removed, hated old deals, loved New Deals, portrayed by Jon Voight in Pearl Harbor.

Power: Got the nation through the Great Depression while wheelchair bound.

Hotness: I'd do him.

Virtue: One of the country's dopest presidents but was responsible for the internment of Japanese Americans during World War II, which was lame (pun kind of intended). 

8. John F. Kennedy

In Office: January 20, 1961-November 22, 1963

Info: Accent-haver, repped the Pope, was a jam doughnut called a Berliner, admirer of Marilyn Monroe's boobs, assassinated by the government (yeah, that's right, the government). 

Power: Like Abraham Lincoln, failed to survive gun shot wounds, but he also had two endocrine diseases (Addison's disease and hypothyroidism) and still managed to become president and be super hot.

Hotness: Commander-in-Cuteness.

Virtue: Proposed civil rights legislation but may have cheated on his adorable wife. He also died before anyone could really assess how great or horrible he was. 

9.  Richard Nixon 

In Office: January 20, 1969-August 9, 1974

Info: Tricky dick, Watergate guy, resigned.

Power: Was elected even though he had a weird nose and after Watergate was pardoned despite being a total crook/creep.

Hotness: Nixon as portrayed by Richard Nixon:

Nixon as portrayed by Frank Langella in Frost/Nixon:

Virtue: Uh...

10. George H.W. Bush

In Office: January 20, 1989-January 20, 1993

Info: Threw up on Japanese Prime Minister, may or may not have said, "not gon' do it" all the time, first president that I have any recollection of.

Power: Was able to get George W. Bush into Yale.

Hotness: I guess he isn't bad looking but he's dorky in a way that makes me feel uncomfortable.

Virtue: I vote Democrat but I was, like, six years old when Bush Sr. was elected and we didn't really study him in high school, so almost everything I know about him has come to me via Saturday Night Live. This being said, I find it difficult to be objective because I love Dana Carvey so much. So I've decided to give Bush Sr. a "Drunk Today Show Ewok."

(if you haven't seen this video, you really need to watch it right now)

11. Bill Clinton

In Office: January 20, 1993-January 20, 2001

Info: Played the sax, did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky, but did think up some novel ways to use a cigar.

Power: Rescued Euna Lee and Laura Ling from the clutches of North Korea's very own Emperor Palpatine, Kim Jong-Il. 

Hotness: The older I get, the more attractive he is to me.

Virtue: Eh, he had a few lapses in judgement--I'm referring to both the infidelity and the inexplicable choices he made when it came to his extramarital sexual partners--but during his administration the nation actually stopped accruing debt, a feat that I think most of us can appreciate right now.

Homework Assignment

Rate Barack Obama and George W. Bush

*Hint* Gavin Newsom's hotness is measured in Barack Obamas and George W's power, hotness, and virtue are all measured in Smurfs. 

***Disclaimer: Some or all of the facts listed here may or may not be false or incorrect, except for the fact that Andrew Jackson's father died after lifting a log. Totally true.***

Gavin Newsom image (via)