nostomanic: Newsies

The #1 movie on the American Film Institute's "Top 100" list is Citizen Kane. And how did Disney's live-action musical Newsies rate? It isn't even on the list, my friends. Well, I'm calling shenanigans on AFI and all 1500 of the film artists, critics, and historians who compile their lists because not only is Newsies a far superior depiction of the late 19th century/early 20th century newspaper industry and "yellow journalism" or whatever, but it's also just unmistakably better than Citizen Kane* in almost every imaginable way. Citizen Kane, ha! More like Citizen Lame!

Citizen Kane is so old! Like, seriously. It isn't even in color. What the hell?

Newsies, on the other hand, was filmed in 1992 and is in color and therefore, automatically, less boring for me to watch.

In Citizen Kane, newspapers abound, but no one calls them "papes." Fact: calling newspapers "newspapers" or even "papers" is so dumb, calling newspapers "papes" is cool (and clearly more time efficient).

In Citizen Kane, artsy or "clever" camera shots and angles are used to mask a lack of singing and dancing, ergo, the movie is tedious to the point of being a piece of crap.

There isn't a single cast member from the 90s Nickelodeon variety show, Roundhouse, in Citizen Kane, whereas Newsies has four.

(Here's another picture for those of you who aren't Newsies scholars/as eagle-eyed as I am/enthusiastic about finding Roundhouse cast members in movies.)

Of course I understand that Roundhouse wasn't around in 1941, but that's no excuse, as far as I'm concerned.

Bill Pullman is sexier than Orson Welles.

Yes, Welles does have a certain Vincent D'Onofrio quality about him but he just doesn't do anything for me. Pullman, though...well, I guess I've always been into men who look like they could be a friend's dad.

Newsies helped me pass my AP U.S. History exam, while Citizen Kane has yet to prove its usefulness.

Not only did I pass, but I got a "4" (which is pretty good). Thanks to the statue that appears at the beginning of the movie, I was able to answer the Horace Greeley multiple-choice question correctly. Boo-yah!

Citizen Kane misrepresents the power, or lack thereof, of pape headlines.

And finally, Christian Bale is a better actor than Orson Welles. Yeah, I said it.

At the very least, Bale is more committed to his craft than Welles. Do you think that Christian Bale knew how to dance before he stepped onto the set of Newsies? No, he didn't. But he broke it down anyway.

In Citizen Kane, Orson Welles ages from the beginning of the movie to the end of it. This is accomplished through the use of makeup. But if Christian Bale were to play a character who started off as a young man and progressively got older over the course of the film, he would literally force his body to age 20 or 30 years.

In summation, Newsies is rad, Citizen Kane sucks, and any of AFI's esteemed film experts who also happen to be members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences can partially redeem themselves in my eyes by giving Christian Bale an Academy Award this Sunday.

*I haven't necessarily or even actually seen Citizen Kane.

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Justice