nostomanic: Dark Crystal

There are a ton of adjectives that I could probably use to describe the experience of watching The Dark Crystal for the first time--harrowing, perplexing, disconcerting, just to name a few. But weird, is the word that I'm really cleaving to as it perfectly encapsulates my little journey into the more psychotic regions of Jim Henson's mind. Allow the following GIF to illustrate.

David Lynch would find this movie odd.

I was thinking of writing out a brief little recapitulation of the plot for anyone who hasn't seen the movie or maybe hasn't watched it since they were a kid whose parents' preferred mode of child abuse was allowing them to view macabre films with creepy, vacant-eyed puppets on the reg. Unfortunately, I still don't know what the hell this movie is about.

But here's what I can tell you:

1. It opens with a naked puppet playing the flute.

Quite possibly the most ambitious beginning in film history.

2. This bird thingy has boobs.

There's something very sexual assualty about this scene, no?

3. Aw, hell nah!

Not cute.

4. I think these two did it.

And by it I mean the intercourse.

5. At the end of the movie Jen, the naked flautist, straddles the titular dark crystal and inserts his "crystal shard" into it.

This, of course, is a metaphor for inserting crystal shards into dark crystals. Kinky.

Final Analysis: I find it hard to believe that The Dark Crystal was intended for children since it is by far the most terrifying movie that I have ever seen--somehow, more terrifying than Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. The movie/experience of watching the movie wasn't horrible--since I do have a deep appreciation for weird, confusing crap, there was something mildly enjoyable about it--but when it comes to Jim Henson's oeuvre, I'll always favor The Muppet Babies. Not even David Bowie's Labyrinth-crotch could shake my devotion to tiny Gonzo.

Experience Rating: 3 out of 5 bottles of Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.