It's the Great Make-Out Sesh, Charlie Brown!

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown puts me in a Halloweenie mood more than any other Halloween TV special or movie. It also gets me super psyched about the rocks I'm going to be handing out to all the prematurely balding neighbor kids who waddle up to my front porch tonight.


These days, I can't seem to watch a cartoon without trying to determine which, if any, of the characters I'd make-out with. While this is inappropriate and creepy in most cases, the Peanuts gang is really just begging to be sexualized and debased in this way. How do I figure? Well, whenever I say the word "peanuts" it sounds like "penis." So there you go, unflappable reasoning. The following is a list of the Peanuts/penis men that I'd make-out with in the order that I'd make-out with them.

1. Linus

Linus is whimsical and pragmatic, he's insightful and innocent. Unlike Schroeder, his aloofness lacks pomposity or pretension and is instead a reflection of how deeply philosophical he is. If the comic strips of Charles M. Schulz were an 80s teen movie, Linus would be John Cusack.

Sure, there's that whole security blanket/thumb sucking thing, but I've always been attracted to eccentric men. 

2. Schroeder

Double-u-tee-eff, Schroeder?! Do you really have to bring your tiny piano to every social function? We get it. You're hella good at music. Your adorable-artsy-boy mystique has been established. We all think you're hot. We all want you. We all realize that you'll never like us as much as we like you. So, drop the schtick and pucker up. It's business time. 

3. Franklin

The lone black kid in a town of caucasians and never a moment of angst outta this one. Ultimately, I think Franklin is far too well-adjusted and mature to indulge in the kind of haphazard face-sucking that I'm after, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to finagle a little make-out sesh, even if that means telling him that I'll meet his parents afterward.

4. Woodstock

I'm pretty sure there's a six-pack underneath all those yellow feathers. Hot.

5. Charlie Brown

While that swarthy swirl of hair on his forehead isn't necessarily a deal breaker, Chuck is just a little too mopey--and not in a sexy Eeyore-way. If I were to make-out with Charlie Brown, it would be out of pity or--more likely--a drunken demonstration of my own self-loathing. 




Happy Halloween, everyone! I'll be spending the remainder of the evening gorging on 100 Grand bars and then I think TBS is showing Steve Martin's terrifying Halloween classic, Cheaper by the Dozen, so I might catch that. But I think you should go to a party, drink a few alcoholic beverages, make-out with someone who looks like Linus/the little red-haired girl, and then eat a burrito.