Tuesday, March 1, 2011

In Which We Deal With Our Zits

Remember the time Doug Funnie got that huge zit, right before Beebe Bluff's big party?
Or the time that Angela Chase got a zit that was actually a metaphor for 90s teen insecurity and angst and flannel shirts and overalls or something?
Or when Zack and Screech started peddling that zit cream that had the unfortunate side effect of turning skin maroon, then Kelly Kapowski unwittingly rubbed the stuff all over her face--even though she only had one tiny, imperceptible blemish on the tip of her nose--so her entire face turned maroon, which maybe wouldn't have been such a horrible thing for her if she weren't (a) totally narcissistic and (b) in the running for homecoming queen; but because she was so transcendently gorgeous and popular, and also because maroon just happened to be one of Bayside High's school colors, she won anyway?
Or what about the time that Amber got that monster zit on her cheek and a week later it was still there, claiming squatter's rights?
Since I went through a bizarre second-puberty about a year and a half ago, where my face would breakout frequently and thoroughly (not one of those Proactiv-celebrity testimonial-non-breakout-breakouts, but legit breakouts), I'm not really sweating one pimple. But I think people, self included, just naturally tend toward Angela Chase-esque globalization when it comes to skin issues. All pimples suck, but what I've learned over the years, is that some pimples are worse than others.

(5) Chin Zit (aka "the meh..."): You might think it's devastating, but if you have a pimple on your chin, I'm probably not going to even notice it. So, don't fret. I used to get these giant, planet-sized bumps on my chin, and never once did that deter a homeless guy from hitting on me. 

(4) Middle of the Forehead Zit (aka "the Bull's Eye," aka "the Bindi," aka "the Third Eye," aka "the Fifth Eye if You're Wearing Glasses"): The car wreck of zits, it's impossible for passersby to not look. This centrally located pimple is so hypnotic, captivating, and charismatic that it could start it's own cult and gain a large, devoted following. Fortunately, you can always cut some bangs to obscure your hypno-zit if you're too embarrassed/want to prevent the pimple from indoctrinating the impressionable masses. But beware, if you cut your own bangs ("fringe" if you're British), you will almost certainly look insane. So think it over and weigh your options. 

(3) Cheek Zit (aka "the Chimple"): The cheeks, to me, are the cutest part of the head. If you're talking to me and you have chubby cheeks, then I'm not listening to anything you're saying, I'm just trying to figure out a way to casually bite your adorable face. This is why it's so tragic to get a zit here. But seriously, in my experience, these suck because they take forever to heal. I had a constellation of pimples on my left cheek last year and I can still sort of see the spots. 

(2) Lip Zit (aka "the Herp"): One of the absolute worst places to get a pimple because (a) it looks like herpes simplex and (b) totally painful. 

(1) Tip of the Nose Zit (aka "the Rudolph" aka "the why me?" aka "the seriously?" aka "whatever"): This zit is so inescapable, so impossible to hide, so in your face and on your face, so cliche, so the worst place to get a zit, that it's actually the best place to get a zit. You don't have to wonder if everyone you see is staring at your honkin' honker pimple because they TOTALLY ARE. So just get over it, man. Make a self-deprecating joke and laugh about it. Tell people it's your parasitic twin and get on with your life. 

But if you are genuinely depressed about your complexion, and I've definitely been there, I hope that you can find some solace in the fact that one of the most awesome people to ever walk the earth--quite possibly the most awesome person to ever walk the earth--had some pretty serious acne as a youngster.

Jerry O' Connell refuses to tell Harold about his delicious pepperoni zits:

The sequel:


Barbara said...

While getting ready for work every morning, my boyfriend and I watch old Saved by the Bell reruns on TBS. That zit cream episode was on yesterday.

The Shanner of Attention said...

hahaha - fantastic.

for your post sequel, i would like you to delve into the world of "backne". it plagued me as a child. i need to laugh about it now.

Ali said...

"Step right up folks. Behold the freak of nature. Not for the faint-hearted. Then in a flash, all of my insecurities flew away. I saw beauty. I saw grandeur. I saw..." (The camera zooms in very close on a zit on Gina's forehead.) "It was twice as big as the one on my cheek! It was purple mountains majesty. Two pimples passing in the night. I guess what I was finding out was that when things change, it doesn't mean the end of the world. As a matter of fact, sometimes it could work out for the best. The Pruitt's left town a few days later. And so did the pimple. And I began to come to grips with the fact that on the uncertain road through adolescence, there were bound to be a few bumps along the way."

- Kevin Arnold

P.S. Chimples blowwwww.

Amber said...

Barbara: Yeah, I feel like I've seen that episode 50 million times. Classic SBTB.

Shanner: Don't even get me started on backne...

Ali: Ah, that was fantastic! Kevin Arnold was such a self-involved drama queen. Leave it to him to take note of how much larger Gina's zit was.

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

Pimples are thankfully really rare for me. It's okay though because I paid for it in a massive over bit and big hair.

When I do get them, though, it's always some variation of the rudolph. I don't know... Maroon face might even be a better fate.


Amiee said...
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Amiee said...

I feel your pain, my chimple and the meh are both hurting right now!
Also I cut my fringe in primary school, did not end well.

Strategy said...
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Megs said...

I hate this second puberty thing. I'm having one right now, and my face has not been this broken out since I was 13 or so.

Also it is causing my mother to treat me like a 13 year old, and that's just depressing.

Seriously, isn't one of the joys of being in your late 20s supposed to be no more zits? I swear I was promised that by someone. Who do I complain to?

Fear Street said...

~A Pimple Haiku~

You hurt me badly
Giant red volcano OUCH
You get off my face!

Um...yeah. Zits suck. *cough*And so do my pimple poetry skills*cough*

Sada said...

It wasn't on your list, but I seem to be developing a Pimply Crawford right now.

Jen said...

I feel like the total LIE about not breaking out in your twenties or thirties is just a way to look forward to adulthood as a pimply 13 year old.

I'll be 30 this year, and am baffled by the amount of zits I still manage to get. It's ridiculous.

Missed Periods said...

When I was little, my mom told me that pimples came from eating oily food, so I tried to chew my food more towards the front of my mouth so the oil wouldn't touch my inner cheeks. Didn't work.

Angie said...

Could be worse, Amber. Check this out:


ShanimalsCrackers.blogspot.com said...

Ha, this post is awesome. Acne can be the result of your genes. Yep. I actually went to a nurse practitioner to get acne meds and she asked me how often I ate chocolate. Needless to say, I didn't go to her ever again.

nikki said...

Ok, I was going to admonish you for forgetting Kevin Arnold's zit on the Wonder Years, but I see someone bet me to it.