Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Stoner/Burnout Love Haikus

Although I have, on occasion, been accused of looking stoned and having a stoney disposition, I don't actually smoke or really even drink and hardly ever get into any scrapes or engage in any hijinks that might be considered amoral or remotely criminal. Mostly, I just sit around, watching Star Trek, eating french fries, and being wholesome. But there is a part of me that yearns to rebel against the innocuity of my nerdy existence. It's the same part of me that's deeply and debilitatingly attracted to stoner, slacker, long-hair, alchies--these men bewitch me with their lassitude and stale-skunky-aromatic charms. A few weeks ago, I listed some of my nerd crushes and today I thought I'd celebrate another oft-maligned subsection of society: The Burnout. And what better way is there to honor a man with the attention span of a goldfish and the get-up-and-go of a koala than a haiku?

The Dude-The Big Lebowski

El Duderino
Let's wear jellies and make love
First, pass me that roach.

Harold-Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle

White Castle burgers
actually aren't tasty
but Harold, you are.

John Bender-The Breakfast Club

Gray streak in your hair
I'd hide your dope in my pants
Bender pumps my nads.

Nick Andopolis-Freaks and Geeks

Lindsay Weir is dumb
Nick, I'll be your Lady A
Jeez, you're really tall

Stoner Buds-Fast Times at Ridgemont High

For the price of one,
two shirtless, long-haired, surfers.
Let me wax your boards.

*Warning: Truthfully, I wouldn't recommend dating a stoner. They're mellow, philosophical, quasi-political and that can be cute but I was twice romantically entangled with fellows of this persuasion and things didn't end prettily. Alchies, on the other hand, are perfectly acceptable--but the happy alchies not the violent ones.

(you probably noticed that no one from Dazed and Confused made the cut, this is because I have a very special post planned for that film in the near future.)


Melanie's Randomness said...

LOL I get accused of looking like I'm rocking a 24 hour buzz. I don't smoke either! lol.

nikki said...

I dated a pothead back when I WAS a pothead. *shakes head* not recommended. (Dating the pothead isn't recommended. I'd totally recommend spending a year of your life as a pothead). You'll have a whole new appreciation of Star Trek and French Fries.

Also, John Cho- SWOON!!!!

Also - That's Eric Stoltz as one of the the Fast Times guys!

Pana said...

mmm, Harold.

walkingonsunshine18 said...

The Lady L song was my favorite! PS You have fabulous posts!!!

Jen said...

Nick Andopolis for the win!


RAY J said...

<3 Freaks and Geeks!

Heather Taylor said...

I don't recommend dating a stoner either. I knew one once who seriously just laid on my bed and asked me five times what my favorite food was, made me watch Who's Line is It Anyway, and tried to talk to me about Buddhism.
I'm fairly well known for my Arrested Development watching/only religion being Nylon Magazine/dressed to the nines/martini and Frank Sinatra worship/type A personality so that boy and I? Uh, no. Not now, or ever. Classic happy alchies, all the way!
Though I do adore Dazed and Confused and look forward to seeing your special post dedicated to it. :)

Amiee said...

Lindsay was crazy, I got to realise my Nick fantasy by having a very tall boyfriend who plays basketball ;)
Can't wait for the Dazed and Confused post!

Jerry said...

Gotta love the Dude. Especially smoking a roach in a tub of Mr. Bubble. Now that's a real man!

Angie said...

Love all your choices. Although I also have a thing for Sal in Pineapple Express.

Richard @ The Bewildered Brit said...

Star Trek and Fries. Unbeatable combination!

Sadako said...

You loved Nick Andopolis more than Desario, too?! I knew you had good taste. Girls who love nostalgia and Nick Andopolis, UNITE!

Kylee said...

I will be on the-- over obsessive look out for your dazed and confused post.

Also missing Saul from Pineapple Express where's the love?! I guess one stoner from the Judd Apatow cult is enough.


No love for Spicoli?

Angie said...

Omg Spicoli! Great one! I also have a special place in my heart for the Half Baked crew.

Amber, there's a little somethin' for ya over at our blog this morning ;)

Amber said...

Nikki and Pana: I honestly thought I was the only one who thought John Cho was the hotness. I love that man.

Walkingonsunshine: Thank you. I really appreciate that!

Heather: Yeah, I think stoner BFs are only good in retrospect. Like they give you all of these awesome stories to tell-that Who's Line is it Anyway thing is pretty freaking hilarious.

Amiee: I went through a "tall guy" phase all because of Nick.

Angie and Kylee: I guess Saul was pretty cute but I just always think Daniel Desario when I see James Franco and I always thought he paled in comparison to Nick Andopolis.

Asblackasobama: Spicoli definitely is the kind of stoner that you do not want to date under any circumstances. He might be cool to hang out with but i don't think there would be a love connection between the two of us.

Sadako: Nick was so adorable. Were there people who liked Daniel more?

kim said...

i love the dude!!! and i don't even like dudes ...

XXX, Kim

Ally said...

That's awesome. I actually don't hate White Castle... must be a New Jersey thing. Ha ha.

Tales Of A Fourth Grade Nothing

Lady Mel said...

I'm on the Gerard Butler bandwagon. Ally, White Castle is probably a Jersey thing. I'm a Jersey girl, so I should know. :)

Megs said...

Thank God I'm not alone in the Harold love.

But also? Brad Pitt in True Romance? Only time I've really believed Brad to be hot.

Yes. I have the stoner attraction too. No, I would never date one ever again. Maybe if my marriage fell apart and I was looking for casual rebound relationship...otherwise, never, ever again.

Pat Tillett said...

Hi there, I'm not exactly sure how I got here, but I like what I see. You had me at the "The Big Lebowski" and "Harold and Kumar" references. Two of my favorites.
Anyway, if you don't mind, I'm going to tag along.


lemeh said...

I want to live in this blog and never leave it....omg ♥